The New Normal

We survived.  

The highly anticipated day has come and gone and we survived.  And now we adjust, to a new normal, to one we never would have thought a possibility up until 18 months ago.  One that involves step-moms, step-brothers and a whole slew of new people.

It's hard.  I'm still processing so much of it.  I don't understand a lot of it.  I'm still grieving what was, what will never be again, and the loss of so much more than just a person and what she stood for.

I think more than ever we turn our focus towards our own little family.  In so many ways, in this season of life, we are all our kids and each other have.  There is a desire to step up for them, to be at all the games, and school functions, to make a big deal of birthdays, to pour our wisdom from the Lord into them, and to love them to pieces.  Our first priority, besides the Lord, is us.  

In the midst of it all, God is good and working out His will.  We were covered in prayer this weekend, and it was felt.  We had wisdom and love covering us and poured into us while at the festivities.  We are so blessed to be surrounded by such a cloud of witnesses! 

We are so blessed to have seen biblical community lived out during this time in our lives.  The body of Christ really has become our family in so many ways.  While we still hope and pray for restoration in our real family, it is such a joy to not feel abandoned or alone during everything.  

So we press on, again...into a new normal and new unknowns.  Trusting He accomplishes all things for His good (for those who trust in Him).  Story of our lives.  At least we're a couple hundred miles away from the craziness!

7

I don't like this number.  Don't like it one bit.  It's that age where top teeth fall out, and the start of weird awkward boy phase begins.

Except it hasn't.

I mean it some ways he's a little weird, in a typical boy way.  All I have to do to make him laugh is talk about bodily functions.  And he's all about super heroes and guns.

But other than that, he's a pretty cool kid.  I like out chats.  It blows my mind how brilliant he can be sometimes (although equally infuriating when he can't get the simple).  He's pretty funny too, and has such a great laugh and smile.  He also has an infectious personality.  For real, people are attracted to my kid.  We'll be somewhere all of 5 minutes and he has at least one new friend.  While in HHI, I watched kids literally flock to him in the pool.

So awkwardness hasn't occurred.  Maybe it will in the year to come, but so far, we're good.

He is still stubborn, and strong willed.  He wants a reason why he has to do everything.  He's naturally skeptical and questions everything.  Which I get, and most of the questions are things that I've questioned, so I answer them.  Others (like directions from mom) he is learning to just obey.

When talking about the bible, or God, he'll go run and grab his bible and flip to the story about what we were discussing.  And he knows right where to go. I LOVE that.

He's super smart, but has trouble applying himself.  Mainly because he has trouble sitting in one seat any longer than 10 minutes, which means him and public school aren't always on the best of terms.  He still is doing better than most of his class, without any discipline.

He can get friends and siblings to do just about anything he wants.  So far he mainly wields this power for good, and to organize games, etc. but there has been occasion where his brother has ben coerced into something not so good.

He still has a sweetness to him that I love.  He randomly comes up and tells me he loves me and hugs me.  The tenderness with which he deals with his sister in incredible.  He'll make a great husband if he treats his wife like he does his sister.

His favorite food is: spaghetti
Favorite show: Star Wars the Clone Wars
Favorite  Color: red
Favorite super hero: Batman and Captain America
Favorite movie: The Avengers
Favorite thing to do: Play Wii
Favorite toy:  Spiderman action figure

If it were up to him he would spend the day either at the pool, playing video games, legos, or playing superhero fights with his brother.  He eats muffins or cereal for breakfast, peanut butter crackers are his favorite lunch and any dinner with pasta is a win in his mind.

He's such a great kid.  We're so blessed to have had 7 years with him!

Still Here

We're still here.  And things are good.  We have three kids, and do a lot with church, and my husband is kind of a big deal at his job, and well...time to blog is not plentiful.

But a lot has happened.  I'm leading a Beth Moore bible study, where 50 women signed up.  That's a big deal.  Josh turned 7.  Jack turned 4.  EvaKate turned sassy.  We celebrated 4 years being in GA, and 8 years being married.  Chris and I both turned another year older.  We've been to TN and Hilton Head and have upcoming trip to STL and Disney.

And school starts in three weeks.  When my sanity and time will return.  And hopefully more time for blogging.

Matt Chandler

So we (mainly I) get a lot of flack for being "obsessed" over Matt Chandler.

While I don't consider myself "obsessed" I do really like him.  With, what I feel like is good reason.

When we first move to Connectisuck...it was rough.  A dry and barren land spiritually speaking.  We were still newly weds trying to figure out what the heck we were doing both in our relationship and as parents.  We had no church, no pastor, no friends, no guidance.  We were alone in many senses, hundreds of miles from any thing that could encourage us our guide us.

My best friend lived in Dallas and had recently begun going to a church called the Village, which she loved.  She told me they podcasted (a very new technology at that point) their sermons and I should check them out.  Knowing if she loved it, I would, and our thirst for sound doctrine was comparable I dived into the new technology desperate to be fed.

It was in 2007 I listened to my first Matt Chandler sermon and not a month has gone by I haven't listened to one since.  After officially giving up our search for a church in CT (went to dozens without hearing any thing close to the word of God taught, proof texting abounded when the text was actually used, not to mention being flat out scared in some.  After our fourth Sunday with me crying on the way home because of how I saw God being portrayed, we gave up) we decided to listen to one of the podcasts in place of church.  While I am not advocating this (I believe it is VERY important to be plugged into a local body of believers), I was so grateful for the technology that allowed us in our desperate situation to be ministered to in that way.  I only wish the technology had existed while we lived in Ukraine!

Chris and I proceeded to hear the gospel preached in a way we never had before.  A funny guy, that drew us in with his talking style and had this incredible art of speaking to seasoned believers and people so lost they couldn't even tell you who Jesus was.

With all our spare time, an archive of sermons and new pursuit of a healthier lifestyle we began listening to sermons while on our walks/runs.  We listened to him preach through Hebrews, Ecclesiastes, hear about the Family Traits of the Village, Heart Matters (some of our favorites), and the Role of men and women (this did a lot for our marriage!).

About that time, through lots of prayer, God's timing and restructuring, we were moving.  One of four places: Pittsburgh, Chicago, Atlanta or Dallas.  It should have been Pittsburgh, since that's where the CT branch was shifting to, we prayed for it to be Dallas (since the Village was conveniently located less than a 1/2 hour away from the branch), but the Lord had us in Atlanta.

Culture shock abounded as we had conversations with complete strangers in the grocery store, and had not only one decent church to choose from, but dozens.  We visited around a bit, and the Lord led us to one.

All the time we were listening to Matt Chandler sermons.  Through which the Holy Spirit was keeping us rooted in gospel centered preaching, convicting us of sin, returning our easily swayed hearts to Christ and clarifying the heart of the gospel.

About that time we started hearing about Acts 29 in Matt Chandler sermons, and from our church's youth pastor who had a similar passion for the gospel, doctrine, theology and was missionally minded.  

While we were thrilled just to be hearing God's word proclaimed again in a corporate setting and being able to sing with believers, we started to notice a decline in the amount of the Word being proclaimed and preached.  We looked around for Acts 29 churches in the area, of which there were none.  Thankfully we didn't have to want for long since God had laid a passion on our youth pastors heart to plant and Acts 29 church.

So we dove head long into church planting, Chris leading the worship for over a year.  I won't lie, it's had it's very difficult times, but being able to hear the Word of God taught every week, and Christ's work of progressive sanctification and revealing our sinful attitudes in the process has made it so very worth it.

All the time, we still kept listening to Chandler (now through Luke, Colossians, Habakuk, Transitions, A Healthy Church, Village Identity, a beautiful, well timed Advent series, and now Galatians).

Last night, on Chris's birthday we had the opportunity to see him speak live (and to worship with some of our favorite worship leaders, Shane and Shane!).  Such a blessing.  He's even more engaging in person.

It was a full circle moment for us.  And as always, the Holy Spirit just enables his speaking style and simple eloquence of the complex to penetrate our hearts and convict us.  We both left convicted, broken and yet encouraged.

It's been a long year.  And we both have walked through more doubts and questions in the Lord, and his timing and purpose than we care to admit.

I have no doubt that the Lord ordained one of the hardest weekends we were to encounter in this process of grieving and figuring out a new normal to also be the weekend we heard this message.  We went straight from hearing the heart of the gospel to having to live it out in a very real and hard way.

He is faithful, He is SO faithful, and good.  I hate that I ever doubt that.

For the first almost two decades of my walk I was without biblically rooted teaching.  Between Matt Chandler and Beth Moore, I discovered what that was and hungered for more.  Some people have real life mentors that impact them with the word, I had "celebrity" mentors that through videos, books and podcasts led me to the heart of Christ.

All that to say, while I don't consider myself "obsessed" with Matt Chandler, I am obsessed over what the Holy Spirit is doing in him and through him.  He has an incredible testimony, and an incredible way of simplifying complex truths that is completely anointed.  While he may be controversial on areas the bible is controversial on (homosexuality, abortion, slavery, etc.), I don't find him as divisive as a lot of other pastors.  I think he is a modern day C.S. Lewis, a hero of the faith, and someone I greatly admire (and want to be bff's with his wife, because I think she's awesome too).  The Lord has used the words He has given Matt Chandler to profoundly impact my life, my walk with the Lord, my marriage, my children, and my relationships.  I am so grateful for the work of the Lord in his life, and his willingness to obey God and surrender his heart and platform to the Lord's.

Trust

I really should be cleaning, or reading over the questions for our missional community group this evening. Or any of the other things on my list of to-do's.

But I've got thoughts in my head, and I want to write. I've really enjoyed being able to write more recently. I miss it. Maybe that's the dorky party of me that's attracted to staying in school forever, I loved writing papers. I had very few that really forced me to think though. I could usually just throw some stuff out and get a good grade. I love the teachers that pushed and required me to tap into resources I didn't know I had within myself.

I still long for that. I want people in my life that will push me further and not allow me to cruise through life. I also want to be that kind on influence in other peoples lives. I find it interesting that it's rare to find people who desire to be a teacher like that, or people who are willing to submit to teaching like that. Sad that so few people want MORE, of themselves and of their faith.

I'm blessed to have the opportunity to pour into a few peoples lives. Some incredible girls who I adore and love like they were my own daughters (or sisters since I'm not near old enough!), but the most important way I am doing this right now is in motherhood.

Especially with Josh, since he's older. Bless his heart, that child could not be more my personality if he tried. He has such a sweet and caring heart, but he also has the not so fun tendency of thinking he knows everything and that he's always right. Having not been corrected on these attitudes early on (at least not successfully) I had to go through the very unfun process of trying to correct them as an adult, which I think proved much more painful and difficult than it would have been at a younger age.

So I'm trying to dissuade him from these habits which have very much been a part of his personality since day 1.

The problem(s) is there is no manual for this stuff. And I'm still learning it! And he's a boy, and I don't understand boys. I mean I try, but really...I don't.

So even though I don't get boys, and I'm not versed in the best way to communicate to an almost 7 year old of their kind...I do think I get how to disciple younger girls fairly well. I usually just shoot straight with them in conversation, encourage them to things I know they are capable of and talk out potential consequences of their actions with them. All things I can do with Josh.

And after months of feeling like I was banging my head against a wall with nagging, I feel like we might have gotten somewhere yesterday. We had a chat. I told him that I was a lot like him and that I had to unlearn some of the not good behaviors and it was really hard and hurt. I told him I didn't want him to have to learn like that and that I wanted to help him learn how to be a strong, kind, leader who loved Jesus and others, if he wanted to. He said he did. I asked if he trusted me (he did), if he thought I was smart (he did), and if he though I wanted what was best for him (he did).

That said I asked him to trust me when I was teaching him and gave him consequences that they were for his good and in the efforts of trying to make him into the kind of man he wants to be. I asked him to trust me to parent his brother and sister and not feel like he had to do it for me. I asked him to trust that I was smart about knowing the truth and a lie and when I knew he could do better and pushing him towards that.

Then I followed it up by reminding him that I'm still figuring it out. That he is my first kid and I've never been a mom before him. That at times I'm going to yell too much, and not have enough patience, that I'm going to forget to teach him some things while focusing on others too much. I told him we all need more of Jesus in our hearts, even (especially!) mom. I also told him that if he could gently remind me when I'm doing some of those things (mainly yelling) that would help mom realize she's wrong and apologize.

It went well (it helped that I through cookies into the mix), yesterday was a better day. The thing is, I feel like we need to have this conversation (or some version of it) every. single. day. Because he forgets. And so do I.

I've learned (through my own experience, and lots of watching others) that if you cannot have respect and submission for the authority of others (parents, teachers, government, pastors, elders, etc) you can bet you're having issues with respecting/submitting to God's authority in your life.

Not to say there are not exceptions when submission should not be happening, but there should at the very least be respect for the authority that they were given (by God!), and the toll of the weight of that authority.

I feel like everyday God has to have a version of mine and Josh's chat with me. Katie, do you trust me? Do you think I am wise and all-knowing? Do you believe that I want what is best for you and to make you more like my son? Than TRUST me to do what is best for you. even in the frustrating, even in the mundane, and most certainly in the hard!

I read this quote by Tim Keller this morning which has been messing with me "Jesus suffered, not that we might not suffer, but that when we suffer, we could become like him."

That's the point of it all, becoming more like Him. IF we TRUST him.

Mission

I've been thinking a lot about mission and purpose recently.

Part of that is trying to figure out my own, and part of it is seeing how quickly and easily it can all become so skewed.

When I was in college I wanted to change the world for Christ. Go on mission trips, be in ministry, live boldly for God and his calling in everything I did.

When life called us to something a bit different than, at least I had expected, I felt that slip. All of a sudden I found myself playing the corporate wife to a very successful, on the rise financier, living in the suburbs in the south.

It's really hard to keep perspective in the suburbs. While my focus had once been social justice, outreach and missions, getting my hand dirty with the gospel and being noticeably different, I found myself very much fitting in.

Not that there is anything wrong with fitting in, I think in general God has given my husband and I that gift so we have a better ability to reach the lost, but blending in and not being set apart, I felt like was an issue.

I dress the same, act the same, live my life the same. I've started contemplating being room mom and on PTA, team mom for the baseball team, etc, etc. The generalized suburban housewife was what I was becoming. Not that any of that is inherently bad, but the purpose behind it is what was concerning.

See I had lost the goal of my mission. I figured for at least this period in life I couldn't be jetting off to other countries (and to a certain extent when you are pregnant or nursing, it does make it quite difficult). We weren't as connected with different organizations and outreach opportunities down here yet. Plus trying to manage that and 3 kids that you have all the time unless you are paying someone else to watch them proved defeating at the least. I basically considered myself temporarily useless for the cause. Or more importantly, in the way I had decided I wanted to live it out.

We as stay at home moms, I feel like, are extra sensitive to needing a "mission". Hopefully I'm not the only one who struggles with day after day remembering that raising your children is one of the biggest investments you'll ever make. Remembering that wiping that nose, or bum is somehow advancing the kingdom. Sometimes I'm just desperate to do something where I can see that I still have value beyond being a chef, chauffeur, or a maid. So we become room mom, have the best decorated house on the block, HOA president, best lawn, gourmet hostess, team mom, even throw ourself into every activity the church offers. Anything where we are able to use our talents and abilities and feel useful, appreciated and see results.

And while all of those things are not bad, they just aren't the goal, and won't ever completely fulfill us in the way the true mission can. I can fulfill the goal by being room mom, I just have to make sure my goal is rooted in the mission, not out of our inherent need for a mission finding an outlet.

The goal, The mission, is to be constantly living out the gospel and being an ambassador for Christ. I don't have to be overseas to do this. In fact, I'm probably NOT supposed to be, or else God would have us living there. The place He most wants me doing that is in my back yard, and my sons schools, in the grocery store I frequent, and to the other moms on the baseball team. Right. Where. I. Am. In what I do, every day.

When my eldest decides to be ugly to his brother for the hundredth time that day, it's having the time and patience to sit down and explain to him why he's doing that (sin) and reminding him he has freedom in Christ, and he's called to more. When the room mom calls last minute and asks me to make cupcakes for the teachers birthday (even though sugaring first graders up on her birthday seems like the opposite of a gift), it's serving her by taking one more thing off her plate and showing her I'm someone she can rely on and trust. When headed out to parent teacher conferences, bringing a fun drink and snack to help the teacher make it through the day and show her I care. After building a friendship with the other moms on the baseball team, not just giving empty responses to their struggles, but loving them and giving them Christ like wisdom and inviting them to church or sharing the gospel.

I think for the most part to women, these sort of things come some what naturally. We were created to be caring and nurturing, to foster relationships. We do this, for the most part, without thinking. But again, it's not just the action, but the intention we are concerned about. While I love my friends, I don't want to hang out just to have surface level conversation. I want to be encouraged in Christ, to be built up in His name when I'm struggling, to be reminded we are all sinful fools trying to figure out life.

Any relationship or responsibility not rooted in the gospel and it's mission will just leave us empty or wanting more.

It's not easy. I know I'm struggling. But I'd rather struggle in fulfillment and awareness than struggle feeling lost and empty.

"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus made me His own. Brothers (sisters!), I do not consider that I have already made it my own. But one things I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you."

Philippians 3:12-16

Worn out

Ok, so admittedly her 1 year update wasn't that great. I thought about re-writing it, but realized that wouldn't be real.

All of our kids are at difficult phases right now and we are a bit worn out from parenting in the trenches. Our easy kid seemed to over night turn into the one who is into everything and leaves a wake of disaster in her path.

That said, I think a lot of it is the 4 teeth she has coming in and some aggression from that. I felt like I was selling her a bit short in her 1 year post. Although exhausting, she is still sweet and snuggly, spunky and fun.

I did want to say that the past year with her has been such a gift.

We were talking about how hard the year has been and Chris pointed out that it's probably a blessing and relief that we are in the trenches of parenting right now to distract us from the chaos of change and loss.

I love that EvaKate's name means giver of life. It was our prayer for her that she would have the gift to bring life out of others with her personality, and it's such a gift that she has already lived up to her namesake. She was light in darkness, and her sweetness and snuggliness brought us life during a dark time.

She is still bringing life out of us, just in a more hurried sort of way :)

One years old!

It's here. My last baby is no longer a baby. It's made it harder since she's decided to overnight turn into a toddler. Impossible to hold, fit throwing, into everything sums her up right now. Not quite as much fun as my sweet snuggly baby.

Admittedly though, this is one of my least favorite phases. I feel like all you do during this time is say no and correct. Plus their vocabulary is so limited, you can't really communicate with them and explain. It's all about keeping them moving and entertained, and staying on sleep schedule. And you pretty much loose your social life since taking them out in public is a painful experience on all involved. She has 4 top teeth coming through so I'm secretly hoping there's just some pent up aggression from that...but I'm not hanging my hopes on it.

We had her birthday party this past weekend and it was fun. I went way more overboard for a birthday party than is normal, but it was my first daughters first birthday, so I did it and did it big. And hopefully got it out of my system, because as cute as it may have been, it's not worth it. She would have been just as content to sit in my lap and read and play for 2 hours. Meanwhile I'm spending countless hours running around making all kinds of paper crafts and snapping at everyone in my rush. Hopefully I'll remember to tone it down next time.

Now for the rundown:

• 20 pounds 2 ounces (girl has chunked up, no more 10% for her!) we were up to the 55%! Although all of the kids have always chunked up quite a bit before walking and then slimmed down significantly, so we're expecting her to drop in percentile again. Doc isn't worried, just said she's petite.
• 28 inches long, 11% in height. Did I mention she's petite? Gonna be a shorty like her mama
• 64% head. Still smaller than her brothers. We're just a big domed family.
• Pulling up on everything, chairs, couches, the toilet, my pants leg...she'll take assisted steps but not standing on her own or unassisted steps yet. Hopefully soon!
• She's crawling super fast, and wants to do it all the time, which is very inconvenient when you are trying to hold her in a place where she can't crawl around. Like the mall, or a restroom, or a restaurant, or a doctors office...pretty much anywhere other than home.
• She's into everything. Opening drawers and cabinets, pulling out their contents, pulling all the books off their shelves...it's baby proofing time.
• She jabbers all the time. Says dada and daddy, up, yes, a few others which we think are words but may be us reading into them
• She signs more and done while eating. Her appetite has decreased but her thirst has increased. Girls loves her some water!
• She's getting pickier on foods, and will flat out refuse some.
• She still loves baths, and when I put her in the shower with me she will crawl directly under it and let it run over her head. She's going to be our water bug.
• We got her a play kitchen for her birthday and she loves it. Especially when her brothers are home and "cook" for her.
• She's started hitting, especially when told no. She also is throwing fits along with the hitting when told no.

Even though she's been a bit of a pistol lately, she is still very sweet. She gets so excited to play with us and he brothers, and she has a ton of energy. She loves shoes and to play with clothes, so I'm still hoping I got the perfect girl mix of someone who is fun and can play, but also someone who can be girly as well. We will see. It's fun to see more of her personality coming out, even if what is showing proves to be strong willed. We've already gotten one of those through the toddler stage and survived. May be extra exhausting, but she's worth it!

Seasons

Change is coming at our house. Nothing major. We're not moving, we're hoping no one else is dying, school is in session, we're going to the same church, kids are involved in the same things and mostly (as a kid can be in late January) healthy. And yet...

It feels as though spring might by springing.

Not in the literal sense. I've been along time fan of Nichole Nordeman, and she has a song called Every Season that talks about the seasons we go through in life and as believers. I first heard the song when I was a junior in high school and it has stayed with me since. A reminder that no matter what we are walking through it is but temporary and something else is on it's way.

After almost a year of what has felt like winter, it feels as though the sun is starting to burst forth it's light and tips of green are springing from the frost bitten dirt. Instead of burying ourselves in protective coats we're throwing on flip flops and flinging open the windows.

The Lord is making himself known and felt in our home again. Not that he ceased to while we were in our winter season, but it felt a bit more as grasping at straws. Even though I know and trust we were in His hand and will the whole time, it felt as though we were surviving on bread crumbs, spiritual nuggets and insights that would occasionally pass through the haze into our hearts.

Now it feels as though we're in sort of a spiritual awakening again. Every promise a new revelation and reminder, each realization of neglected sin grieved over, acts of service bringing joy, and the Word constantly being delighted and amazed over.

I'm grateful for the Lord making His presence KNOWN and FELT once more, and for cleaning house in what's been neglected while we grieved. Not that we don't still have hard times and days, but instead of questioning the Lord's promises and intentions we're resting in them amidst confusion and trusting in the hope we have.

Spring has Sprung.