The New Normal

We survived.  

The highly anticipated day has come and gone and we survived.  And now we adjust, to a new normal, to one we never would have thought a possibility up until 18 months ago.  One that involves step-moms, step-brothers and a whole slew of new people.

It's hard.  I'm still processing so much of it.  I don't understand a lot of it.  I'm still grieving what was, what will never be again, and the loss of so much more than just a person and what she stood for.

I think more than ever we turn our focus towards our own little family.  In so many ways, in this season of life, we are all our kids and each other have.  There is a desire to step up for them, to be at all the games, and school functions, to make a big deal of birthdays, to pour our wisdom from the Lord into them, and to love them to pieces.  Our first priority, besides the Lord, is us.  

In the midst of it all, God is good and working out His will.  We were covered in prayer this weekend, and it was felt.  We had wisdom and love covering us and poured into us while at the festivities.  We are so blessed to be surrounded by such a cloud of witnesses! 

We are so blessed to have seen biblical community lived out during this time in our lives.  The body of Christ really has become our family in so many ways.  While we still hope and pray for restoration in our real family, it is such a joy to not feel abandoned or alone during everything.  

So we press on, again...into a new normal and new unknowns.  Trusting He accomplishes all things for His good (for those who trust in Him).  Story of our lives.  At least we're a couple hundred miles away from the craziness!

7

I don't like this number.  Don't like it one bit.  It's that age where top teeth fall out, and the start of weird awkward boy phase begins.

Except it hasn't.

I mean it some ways he's a little weird, in a typical boy way.  All I have to do to make him laugh is talk about bodily functions.  And he's all about super heroes and guns.

But other than that, he's a pretty cool kid.  I like out chats.  It blows my mind how brilliant he can be sometimes (although equally infuriating when he can't get the simple).  He's pretty funny too, and has such a great laugh and smile.  He also has an infectious personality.  For real, people are attracted to my kid.  We'll be somewhere all of 5 minutes and he has at least one new friend.  While in HHI, I watched kids literally flock to him in the pool.

So awkwardness hasn't occurred.  Maybe it will in the year to come, but so far, we're good.

He is still stubborn, and strong willed.  He wants a reason why he has to do everything.  He's naturally skeptical and questions everything.  Which I get, and most of the questions are things that I've questioned, so I answer them.  Others (like directions from mom) he is learning to just obey.

When talking about the bible, or God, he'll go run and grab his bible and flip to the story about what we were discussing.  And he knows right where to go. I LOVE that.

He's super smart, but has trouble applying himself.  Mainly because he has trouble sitting in one seat any longer than 10 minutes, which means him and public school aren't always on the best of terms.  He still is doing better than most of his class, without any discipline.

He can get friends and siblings to do just about anything he wants.  So far he mainly wields this power for good, and to organize games, etc. but there has been occasion where his brother has ben coerced into something not so good.

He still has a sweetness to him that I love.  He randomly comes up and tells me he loves me and hugs me.  The tenderness with which he deals with his sister in incredible.  He'll make a great husband if he treats his wife like he does his sister.

His favorite food is: spaghetti
Favorite show: Star Wars the Clone Wars
Favorite  Color: red
Favorite super hero: Batman and Captain America
Favorite movie: The Avengers
Favorite thing to do: Play Wii
Favorite toy:  Spiderman action figure

If it were up to him he would spend the day either at the pool, playing video games, legos, or playing superhero fights with his brother.  He eats muffins or cereal for breakfast, peanut butter crackers are his favorite lunch and any dinner with pasta is a win in his mind.

He's such a great kid.  We're so blessed to have had 7 years with him!

Still Here

We're still here.  And things are good.  We have three kids, and do a lot with church, and my husband is kind of a big deal at his job, and well...time to blog is not plentiful.

But a lot has happened.  I'm leading a Beth Moore bible study, where 50 women signed up.  That's a big deal.  Josh turned 7.  Jack turned 4.  EvaKate turned sassy.  We celebrated 4 years being in GA, and 8 years being married.  Chris and I both turned another year older.  We've been to TN and Hilton Head and have upcoming trip to STL and Disney.

And school starts in three weeks.  When my sanity and time will return.  And hopefully more time for blogging.

Matt Chandler

So we (mainly I) get a lot of flack for being "obsessed" over Matt Chandler.

While I don't consider myself "obsessed" I do really like him.  With, what I feel like is good reason.

When we first move to Connectisuck...it was rough.  A dry and barren land spiritually speaking.  We were still newly weds trying to figure out what the heck we were doing both in our relationship and as parents.  We had no church, no pastor, no friends, no guidance.  We were alone in many senses, hundreds of miles from any thing that could encourage us our guide us.

My best friend lived in Dallas and had recently begun going to a church called the Village, which she loved.  She told me they podcasted (a very new technology at that point) their sermons and I should check them out.  Knowing if she loved it, I would, and our thirst for sound doctrine was comparable I dived into the new technology desperate to be fed.

It was in 2007 I listened to my first Matt Chandler sermon and not a month has gone by I haven't listened to one since.  After officially giving up our search for a church in CT (went to dozens without hearing any thing close to the word of God taught, proof texting abounded when the text was actually used, not to mention being flat out scared in some.  After our fourth Sunday with me crying on the way home because of how I saw God being portrayed, we gave up) we decided to listen to one of the podcasts in place of church.  While I am not advocating this (I believe it is VERY important to be plugged into a local body of believers), I was so grateful for the technology that allowed us in our desperate situation to be ministered to in that way.  I only wish the technology had existed while we lived in Ukraine!

Chris and I proceeded to hear the gospel preached in a way we never had before.  A funny guy, that drew us in with his talking style and had this incredible art of speaking to seasoned believers and people so lost they couldn't even tell you who Jesus was.

With all our spare time, an archive of sermons and new pursuit of a healthier lifestyle we began listening to sermons while on our walks/runs.  We listened to him preach through Hebrews, Ecclesiastes, hear about the Family Traits of the Village, Heart Matters (some of our favorites), and the Role of men and women (this did a lot for our marriage!).

About that time, through lots of prayer, God's timing and restructuring, we were moving.  One of four places: Pittsburgh, Chicago, Atlanta or Dallas.  It should have been Pittsburgh, since that's where the CT branch was shifting to, we prayed for it to be Dallas (since the Village was conveniently located less than a 1/2 hour away from the branch), but the Lord had us in Atlanta.

Culture shock abounded as we had conversations with complete strangers in the grocery store, and had not only one decent church to choose from, but dozens.  We visited around a bit, and the Lord led us to one.

All the time we were listening to Matt Chandler sermons.  Through which the Holy Spirit was keeping us rooted in gospel centered preaching, convicting us of sin, returning our easily swayed hearts to Christ and clarifying the heart of the gospel.

About that time we started hearing about Acts 29 in Matt Chandler sermons, and from our church's youth pastor who had a similar passion for the gospel, doctrine, theology and was missionally minded.  

While we were thrilled just to be hearing God's word proclaimed again in a corporate setting and being able to sing with believers, we started to notice a decline in the amount of the Word being proclaimed and preached.  We looked around for Acts 29 churches in the area, of which there were none.  Thankfully we didn't have to want for long since God had laid a passion on our youth pastors heart to plant and Acts 29 church.

So we dove head long into church planting, Chris leading the worship for over a year.  I won't lie, it's had it's very difficult times, but being able to hear the Word of God taught every week, and Christ's work of progressive sanctification and revealing our sinful attitudes in the process has made it so very worth it.

All the time, we still kept listening to Chandler (now through Luke, Colossians, Habakuk, Transitions, A Healthy Church, Village Identity, a beautiful, well timed Advent series, and now Galatians).

Last night, on Chris's birthday we had the opportunity to see him speak live (and to worship with some of our favorite worship leaders, Shane and Shane!).  Such a blessing.  He's even more engaging in person.

It was a full circle moment for us.  And as always, the Holy Spirit just enables his speaking style and simple eloquence of the complex to penetrate our hearts and convict us.  We both left convicted, broken and yet encouraged.

It's been a long year.  And we both have walked through more doubts and questions in the Lord, and his timing and purpose than we care to admit.

I have no doubt that the Lord ordained one of the hardest weekends we were to encounter in this process of grieving and figuring out a new normal to also be the weekend we heard this message.  We went straight from hearing the heart of the gospel to having to live it out in a very real and hard way.

He is faithful, He is SO faithful, and good.  I hate that I ever doubt that.

For the first almost two decades of my walk I was without biblically rooted teaching.  Between Matt Chandler and Beth Moore, I discovered what that was and hungered for more.  Some people have real life mentors that impact them with the word, I had "celebrity" mentors that through videos, books and podcasts led me to the heart of Christ.

All that to say, while I don't consider myself "obsessed" with Matt Chandler, I am obsessed over what the Holy Spirit is doing in him and through him.  He has an incredible testimony, and an incredible way of simplifying complex truths that is completely anointed.  While he may be controversial on areas the bible is controversial on (homosexuality, abortion, slavery, etc.), I don't find him as divisive as a lot of other pastors.  I think he is a modern day C.S. Lewis, a hero of the faith, and someone I greatly admire (and want to be bff's with his wife, because I think she's awesome too).  The Lord has used the words He has given Matt Chandler to profoundly impact my life, my walk with the Lord, my marriage, my children, and my relationships.  I am so grateful for the work of the Lord in his life, and his willingness to obey God and surrender his heart and platform to the Lord's.

Trust

I really should be cleaning, or reading over the questions for our missional community group this evening. Or any of the other things on my list of to-do's.

But I've got thoughts in my head, and I want to write. I've really enjoyed being able to write more recently. I miss it. Maybe that's the dorky party of me that's attracted to staying in school forever, I loved writing papers. I had very few that really forced me to think though. I could usually just throw some stuff out and get a good grade. I love the teachers that pushed and required me to tap into resources I didn't know I had within myself.

I still long for that. I want people in my life that will push me further and not allow me to cruise through life. I also want to be that kind on influence in other peoples lives. I find it interesting that it's rare to find people who desire to be a teacher like that, or people who are willing to submit to teaching like that. Sad that so few people want MORE, of themselves and of their faith.

I'm blessed to have the opportunity to pour into a few peoples lives. Some incredible girls who I adore and love like they were my own daughters (or sisters since I'm not near old enough!), but the most important way I am doing this right now is in motherhood.

Especially with Josh, since he's older. Bless his heart, that child could not be more my personality if he tried. He has such a sweet and caring heart, but he also has the not so fun tendency of thinking he knows everything and that he's always right. Having not been corrected on these attitudes early on (at least not successfully) I had to go through the very unfun process of trying to correct them as an adult, which I think proved much more painful and difficult than it would have been at a younger age.

So I'm trying to dissuade him from these habits which have very much been a part of his personality since day 1.

The problem(s) is there is no manual for this stuff. And I'm still learning it! And he's a boy, and I don't understand boys. I mean I try, but really...I don't.

So even though I don't get boys, and I'm not versed in the best way to communicate to an almost 7 year old of their kind...I do think I get how to disciple younger girls fairly well. I usually just shoot straight with them in conversation, encourage them to things I know they are capable of and talk out potential consequences of their actions with them. All things I can do with Josh.

And after months of feeling like I was banging my head against a wall with nagging, I feel like we might have gotten somewhere yesterday. We had a chat. I told him that I was a lot like him and that I had to unlearn some of the not good behaviors and it was really hard and hurt. I told him I didn't want him to have to learn like that and that I wanted to help him learn how to be a strong, kind, leader who loved Jesus and others, if he wanted to. He said he did. I asked if he trusted me (he did), if he thought I was smart (he did), and if he though I wanted what was best for him (he did).

That said I asked him to trust me when I was teaching him and gave him consequences that they were for his good and in the efforts of trying to make him into the kind of man he wants to be. I asked him to trust me to parent his brother and sister and not feel like he had to do it for me. I asked him to trust that I was smart about knowing the truth and a lie and when I knew he could do better and pushing him towards that.

Then I followed it up by reminding him that I'm still figuring it out. That he is my first kid and I've never been a mom before him. That at times I'm going to yell too much, and not have enough patience, that I'm going to forget to teach him some things while focusing on others too much. I told him we all need more of Jesus in our hearts, even (especially!) mom. I also told him that if he could gently remind me when I'm doing some of those things (mainly yelling) that would help mom realize she's wrong and apologize.

It went well (it helped that I through cookies into the mix), yesterday was a better day. The thing is, I feel like we need to have this conversation (or some version of it) every. single. day. Because he forgets. And so do I.

I've learned (through my own experience, and lots of watching others) that if you cannot have respect and submission for the authority of others (parents, teachers, government, pastors, elders, etc) you can bet you're having issues with respecting/submitting to God's authority in your life.

Not to say there are not exceptions when submission should not be happening, but there should at the very least be respect for the authority that they were given (by God!), and the toll of the weight of that authority.

I feel like everyday God has to have a version of mine and Josh's chat with me. Katie, do you trust me? Do you think I am wise and all-knowing? Do you believe that I want what is best for you and to make you more like my son? Than TRUST me to do what is best for you. even in the frustrating, even in the mundane, and most certainly in the hard!

I read this quote by Tim Keller this morning which has been messing with me "Jesus suffered, not that we might not suffer, but that when we suffer, we could become like him."

That's the point of it all, becoming more like Him. IF we TRUST him.

Mission

I've been thinking a lot about mission and purpose recently.

Part of that is trying to figure out my own, and part of it is seeing how quickly and easily it can all become so skewed.

When I was in college I wanted to change the world for Christ. Go on mission trips, be in ministry, live boldly for God and his calling in everything I did.

When life called us to something a bit different than, at least I had expected, I felt that slip. All of a sudden I found myself playing the corporate wife to a very successful, on the rise financier, living in the suburbs in the south.

It's really hard to keep perspective in the suburbs. While my focus had once been social justice, outreach and missions, getting my hand dirty with the gospel and being noticeably different, I found myself very much fitting in.

Not that there is anything wrong with fitting in, I think in general God has given my husband and I that gift so we have a better ability to reach the lost, but blending in and not being set apart, I felt like was an issue.

I dress the same, act the same, live my life the same. I've started contemplating being room mom and on PTA, team mom for the baseball team, etc, etc. The generalized suburban housewife was what I was becoming. Not that any of that is inherently bad, but the purpose behind it is what was concerning.

See I had lost the goal of my mission. I figured for at least this period in life I couldn't be jetting off to other countries (and to a certain extent when you are pregnant or nursing, it does make it quite difficult). We weren't as connected with different organizations and outreach opportunities down here yet. Plus trying to manage that and 3 kids that you have all the time unless you are paying someone else to watch them proved defeating at the least. I basically considered myself temporarily useless for the cause. Or more importantly, in the way I had decided I wanted to live it out.

We as stay at home moms, I feel like, are extra sensitive to needing a "mission". Hopefully I'm not the only one who struggles with day after day remembering that raising your children is one of the biggest investments you'll ever make. Remembering that wiping that nose, or bum is somehow advancing the kingdom. Sometimes I'm just desperate to do something where I can see that I still have value beyond being a chef, chauffeur, or a maid. So we become room mom, have the best decorated house on the block, HOA president, best lawn, gourmet hostess, team mom, even throw ourself into every activity the church offers. Anything where we are able to use our talents and abilities and feel useful, appreciated and see results.

And while all of those things are not bad, they just aren't the goal, and won't ever completely fulfill us in the way the true mission can. I can fulfill the goal by being room mom, I just have to make sure my goal is rooted in the mission, not out of our inherent need for a mission finding an outlet.

The goal, The mission, is to be constantly living out the gospel and being an ambassador for Christ. I don't have to be overseas to do this. In fact, I'm probably NOT supposed to be, or else God would have us living there. The place He most wants me doing that is in my back yard, and my sons schools, in the grocery store I frequent, and to the other moms on the baseball team. Right. Where. I. Am. In what I do, every day.

When my eldest decides to be ugly to his brother for the hundredth time that day, it's having the time and patience to sit down and explain to him why he's doing that (sin) and reminding him he has freedom in Christ, and he's called to more. When the room mom calls last minute and asks me to make cupcakes for the teachers birthday (even though sugaring first graders up on her birthday seems like the opposite of a gift), it's serving her by taking one more thing off her plate and showing her I'm someone she can rely on and trust. When headed out to parent teacher conferences, bringing a fun drink and snack to help the teacher make it through the day and show her I care. After building a friendship with the other moms on the baseball team, not just giving empty responses to their struggles, but loving them and giving them Christ like wisdom and inviting them to church or sharing the gospel.

I think for the most part to women, these sort of things come some what naturally. We were created to be caring and nurturing, to foster relationships. We do this, for the most part, without thinking. But again, it's not just the action, but the intention we are concerned about. While I love my friends, I don't want to hang out just to have surface level conversation. I want to be encouraged in Christ, to be built up in His name when I'm struggling, to be reminded we are all sinful fools trying to figure out life.

Any relationship or responsibility not rooted in the gospel and it's mission will just leave us empty or wanting more.

It's not easy. I know I'm struggling. But I'd rather struggle in fulfillment and awareness than struggle feeling lost and empty.

"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus made me His own. Brothers (sisters!), I do not consider that I have already made it my own. But one things I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you."

Philippians 3:12-16

Worn out

Ok, so admittedly her 1 year update wasn't that great. I thought about re-writing it, but realized that wouldn't be real.

All of our kids are at difficult phases right now and we are a bit worn out from parenting in the trenches. Our easy kid seemed to over night turn into the one who is into everything and leaves a wake of disaster in her path.

That said, I think a lot of it is the 4 teeth she has coming in and some aggression from that. I felt like I was selling her a bit short in her 1 year post. Although exhausting, she is still sweet and snuggly, spunky and fun.

I did want to say that the past year with her has been such a gift.

We were talking about how hard the year has been and Chris pointed out that it's probably a blessing and relief that we are in the trenches of parenting right now to distract us from the chaos of change and loss.

I love that EvaKate's name means giver of life. It was our prayer for her that she would have the gift to bring life out of others with her personality, and it's such a gift that she has already lived up to her namesake. She was light in darkness, and her sweetness and snuggliness brought us life during a dark time.

She is still bringing life out of us, just in a more hurried sort of way :)

One years old!

It's here. My last baby is no longer a baby. It's made it harder since she's decided to overnight turn into a toddler. Impossible to hold, fit throwing, into everything sums her up right now. Not quite as much fun as my sweet snuggly baby.

Admittedly though, this is one of my least favorite phases. I feel like all you do during this time is say no and correct. Plus their vocabulary is so limited, you can't really communicate with them and explain. It's all about keeping them moving and entertained, and staying on sleep schedule. And you pretty much loose your social life since taking them out in public is a painful experience on all involved. She has 4 top teeth coming through so I'm secretly hoping there's just some pent up aggression from that...but I'm not hanging my hopes on it.

We had her birthday party this past weekend and it was fun. I went way more overboard for a birthday party than is normal, but it was my first daughters first birthday, so I did it and did it big. And hopefully got it out of my system, because as cute as it may have been, it's not worth it. She would have been just as content to sit in my lap and read and play for 2 hours. Meanwhile I'm spending countless hours running around making all kinds of paper crafts and snapping at everyone in my rush. Hopefully I'll remember to tone it down next time.

Now for the rundown:

• 20 pounds 2 ounces (girl has chunked up, no more 10% for her!) we were up to the 55%! Although all of the kids have always chunked up quite a bit before walking and then slimmed down significantly, so we're expecting her to drop in percentile again. Doc isn't worried, just said she's petite.
• 28 inches long, 11% in height. Did I mention she's petite? Gonna be a shorty like her mama
• 64% head. Still smaller than her brothers. We're just a big domed family.
• Pulling up on everything, chairs, couches, the toilet, my pants leg...she'll take assisted steps but not standing on her own or unassisted steps yet. Hopefully soon!
• She's crawling super fast, and wants to do it all the time, which is very inconvenient when you are trying to hold her in a place where she can't crawl around. Like the mall, or a restroom, or a restaurant, or a doctors office...pretty much anywhere other than home.
• She's into everything. Opening drawers and cabinets, pulling out their contents, pulling all the books off their shelves...it's baby proofing time.
• She jabbers all the time. Says dada and daddy, up, yes, a few others which we think are words but may be us reading into them
• She signs more and done while eating. Her appetite has decreased but her thirst has increased. Girls loves her some water!
• She's getting pickier on foods, and will flat out refuse some.
• She still loves baths, and when I put her in the shower with me she will crawl directly under it and let it run over her head. She's going to be our water bug.
• We got her a play kitchen for her birthday and she loves it. Especially when her brothers are home and "cook" for her.
• She's started hitting, especially when told no. She also is throwing fits along with the hitting when told no.

Even though she's been a bit of a pistol lately, she is still very sweet. She gets so excited to play with us and he brothers, and she has a ton of energy. She loves shoes and to play with clothes, so I'm still hoping I got the perfect girl mix of someone who is fun and can play, but also someone who can be girly as well. We will see. It's fun to see more of her personality coming out, even if what is showing proves to be strong willed. We've already gotten one of those through the toddler stage and survived. May be extra exhausting, but she's worth it!

Seasons

Change is coming at our house. Nothing major. We're not moving, we're hoping no one else is dying, school is in session, we're going to the same church, kids are involved in the same things and mostly (as a kid can be in late January) healthy. And yet...

It feels as though spring might by springing.

Not in the literal sense. I've been along time fan of Nichole Nordeman, and she has a song called Every Season that talks about the seasons we go through in life and as believers. I first heard the song when I was a junior in high school and it has stayed with me since. A reminder that no matter what we are walking through it is but temporary and something else is on it's way.

After almost a year of what has felt like winter, it feels as though the sun is starting to burst forth it's light and tips of green are springing from the frost bitten dirt. Instead of burying ourselves in protective coats we're throwing on flip flops and flinging open the windows.

The Lord is making himself known and felt in our home again. Not that he ceased to while we were in our winter season, but it felt a bit more as grasping at straws. Even though I know and trust we were in His hand and will the whole time, it felt as though we were surviving on bread crumbs, spiritual nuggets and insights that would occasionally pass through the haze into our hearts.

Now it feels as though we're in sort of a spiritual awakening again. Every promise a new revelation and reminder, each realization of neglected sin grieved over, acts of service bringing joy, and the Word constantly being delighted and amazed over.

I'm grateful for the Lord making His presence KNOWN and FELT once more, and for cleaning house in what's been neglected while we grieved. Not that we don't still have hard times and days, but instead of questioning the Lord's promises and intentions we're resting in them amidst confusion and trusting in the hope we have.

Spring has Sprung.

11 months (and a week +)

It's been a bit of a tumultuous month with baby girl. Not to mention it's been raining practically non stop here so I've been unable to do her 11 month pictures which has further disrupted my rhythm in writing this. Oh well.

I feel a little bit like I have a toddler over night. She's very explorative (I won't go so far as to say she's into everything, because compared to the boys her curiosity is mild), has little interest in being held unless she's tired and jabbers all the time. Those combined makes dinners out, being around groups of people with our children, and in general going places or having more than a few people over difficult. Doable, but not exactly enjoyable. Just everyday life with a toddler.

• Crawling. Like all over the house, can't leaver her unattended unless it's in a closed off room that's been baby proofed type of crawling.
• Pulling herself up. She's still particular about this one and will only do it on certain height objects she feels very stable on.
• Double ear infection that was causing eye drainage and took two rounds of antibiotics to kick. Not fun, for her or me.
• Stopped nursing. I felt like I drug it out as long as possible and we were both just over it. She didn't seem to miss it a bit.
• Eats everything we eat
• Is chunking up. When at the doctors they weighed her and she was up 3 pounds from her 9 month visit!
• This has been an ongoing thing but something I'm just now remembering to note on, the girl loves her some accessories. She is always checking out and feeling others and hers shoes, rings, necklaces, earrings etc. It's one of the first thing she notices and goes for.
• She talks ALL the time. If the boys are talking a lot at dinner she'll raise her voice to be heard and noticed.
• She kicks her feet really hard when she's excited. The harder she kicks, the more excited she is. She reacts this way to favored foods as well.
• She's started to show an interest in TV. We did a pizza and movie family night and watched Dolphin Tale (so good BTW!) and she kept kicking her feet and yelling at the screen and laughing. It was so cute.
• One of her favorite parts of the day is when he brothers get home from school. She is so excited to see them and loves to be on the ground playing with them.
• She hugs me. She'll put her arms around my neck and squeeze.
• Gives lots of kisses on cue, sometimes without being prompted. Very lovable.
• Her favorite toys are hot wheels cars and her little push car. She also likes her talking tea set and purse
• She is very intuitive with clothing. I won't have put anything on her yet and get ready to put on a pair of pants and she lifts her leg up for it. Even if I go to put a shirt on first she'll hold her arm out, and with cardigans and jackets she hold her arm straight out in anticipation. The boys never did anything like that until closer to two years. I swear she already knows her clothing items and how to get dressed.
• If I ask her which pair of shoes and hold out one of each, she chooses. And usually the one I would pick
• Laughs when others laugh
• Crinkles her nose when she laughs

I'm not really loving the lack of snuggles more independence has brought me, but I know that phase will come back. It makes it easier that I get to see her fun personality coming out!

Right you are

Great quote form Jack this morning:

Mom: Jack, don't step there, you're sister made a big mess. (look under his chair) I guess someone else made a big mess too, why did you do that? You're not a baby like you sister?

Jack: Mom, I'm just a boy.

Tis the Season

To be jolly.

Except we're not.

In all honesty, the last week has really sucked and been hard. The absence of Nancy right now is palpable.

This time last year was the beginning of the end. And we knew. She called to tell us that she wasn't going to be able to come down for Christmas as she was feeling too bad. And while it wasn't beyond my mother in law to say something like that to make sure she was really wanted, she never would have missed such a memory filled time with her grandchildren. Ever. Unless something was really wrong. And it was. We knew.

So we're questioning (should we have gone up to STL for Christmas even though I was 8 months pregnant, should we have confronted her sooner, should we have stayed in STL longer when we went up after EvaKate was born.....), and doubting, missing and praying.

Tomorrow is her birthday. We'll be having german chocolate cake for Christmas as it was always around this time of year. It was her favorite, I always made it for her. New Years is their anniversary. She never doubted moving up their wedding date so they could be married sooner, even if it was on an odd day.

It's just going to be our little family this year. No one's coming to visit. Not for lack of invites, just...different priorities.

But we're trying to put on our game face. It's time to impress upon the kids the reason why we celebrate, and it's EvaKate's first Christmas. I HATE that so many of her firsts are intertwined with sorrow.

We're also waiting on what could potentially be more bad news for another immediate family member. I think if I hear the word cancer one more time in the next year I'm going to vomit.

So even though when we look around right now all we see is pain, and suffering and sadness, it makes it that much bigger of a deal that Christ CHOSE to walk into this. Not only did He choose it, but He did so with a rescue plan. So that even though all we see is broken we have the hope that it won't always be. We have hope. Come, Jesus!

10 months

10 months. 2 from being 1. Every time I start to get upset about how fast it's going by and wanting to slow it down, I just have to hang out with her and then I'm good. It's so much fun to see her little personality coming out! And as squirmy as she is, it's also a really fun age. Here are some of the highlights:

• She's crawling. Still not with the most grace, but she'll get up on all fours and interchanging between that position and army crawling she gets where she wants
• She's making noises that sounds more and more like words. Like Jack, Josh, more and mama. She's got dada and daddy down. She jabbers all the time.
• She is still eating us out of house and home. She loves food. It's so funny to watch her get so excited about it, and then after each bite watch her wave her arms around and smile.
• She loves to point, and also stick her hands up in the air with both index fingers up like she's saying "I'm number 1!"
• If you ask her for a kiss, she'll give you kisses. Mind you it's open mouth, but they're super sweet (and slobbery)!
• She chews on anything she can get
• She loves baths and can now sit in the bathtub on her own. She's even ok with the water going over her head and on her face.

She's just so interactive! Christmas is going to be a blast with her and she's already itching to get to all the presents!

Lost tooth

So I think with all the craziness of travels I didn't update that Josh lost his first tooth. Literally.

The week before Thanksgiving he was at school and I guess he was sliding down a slide and (his story coming into play now) at the bottom some kid punched him in the mouth and then kicked him in the leg. When the kid punched him his tooth came out, and his mouth was bleeding. With all the blood Josh and the teacher forgot to look for his first lost tooth.

I think it's a bit more likely that Josh slid into the kid and some sort of accidental hitting took place, but who knows, he is a 6 year old boy who plays like one and his lip was swollen and slightly cut.

When I got called (since when you go to the clinic your mom gets called) and they told me his tooth was lost, I won't lie I wanted to cry a bit. This is my firstborns first lost tooth and you're telling me you lost it? Well let's go find it!!! And really, if I would have had EK and Jack tired and in the car, we probably would have been out on the playground searching through mulch. Because it's a big freaking deal people! For him and for me.

Thankfully not pushing Santa gives me a pass with the tooth fairy. My kids too smart and assumed I was she. While I neither confirmed or denied his theory, I didn't really have to. But I love that he has those deduction skills. So even though he didn't have a tooth to put in it he got out the tooth pillow (with a little pocket in it and everything) my grandma had made for him years ago (I hope that I plan that well before my death, what a gift to those mourning your loss, so many sweet reminders!) and put it by his pillow. He woke up in the morning with a $5 bill. First lost tooth bonus. Plus it was kind of a traumatic event. It will only be $1 going forward, maybe $.50 if Jack start overlapping him.

He's been having some really good weeks at school too. Seems like he has finally hit his stride. In December. Better late than never!

He also had (in my mind) a very big first this week. He was finally allowed to watch the first Harry Potter. He loves it, and I love that he loves it. He keeps asking me a ton of questions trying to figure out all the mysteries. I love his thirst for understanding. I also love getting to explain to him all the parallels to how Harry is like Jesus and Voldemort is like Satan. What a gift that every story echoes that of our Savior and gives us so many opportunities to give examples of and see different interpretations of what His love for us looks like!

To make up for my oldests streak of awesomeness, Jack has been being a pill. There's always one kid (if not two) that are in a phase it seems like. Jack has just been being super whiny and slow (the kid takes forever to do anything that involves movement) and unwilling to try to do most things by himself. I think he's going through a growth spurt and being his first year of preschool constantly fighting something off which would explain most of it, but I'm kind of ready for it to be over.

EvaKate is doing great, getting more teeth in, but I will be updating more on her next week as she turns (gulp) 10 months. They just grow up too darn fast!

"Vacation"

We just got back from our "vacation" to STL for Thanksgiving.

I say "vacation" because even though it's supposed to be one, every time we go to STL we always end up, sick (one or all of us, this time only Chris was spared), dealing with major family drama, not getting to do everything we wanted and coming home feeling like we need a vacation from our vacation.

This trip was no exception.

We are exhausted and trying to hit the ground running as usual. And also trying to lay down some rules for when we go back next time.

I think for me one of the most frustrating things about this trip was I let myself be manipulated and guilt tripped into doing things I didn't even want to do. I need to stand firm in what I want and what I want to make a priority no matter what any one else says or does. I have no one to blame for the regret other than myself.

This was especially hard since my two very best friends were in town and I only got a couple hours with each of them.

Plus it rained pretty much the ENTIRE time we were there. Canceling our plans to get pictures done.

That said...we did get some good family time. I got to see both my grandparents, and Chris got to see his grandparents (moms side) it was fun to watch all of them with EvaKate and make sure we had plenty of pictures. We also got to do a couple fun activities with Chris's side, which includes 6 kids 6 and under. It's crazy, but fun. We always joke we are a walking birth control add when we go out together.

I think for us one of the biggest blessings we got, somewhat unexpectedly was more time to grieve. Being separated from so many of the memories and spots sometimes makes it a little harder to grieve in quite the same way we would if we were home. I don't think either of us went up there expecting to get more of that or even realizing that we still have a lot more to go, it just kind of hit us.

Like on Sunday, we went to the church I grew up in, we were married in, and had Nancy's service in. We ended up on one of the front rows and after standing there for a few minutes it hit me the last time I had been there was staring at a casket. And then the tears came. About that time one of the songs played at her funeral came on as well. And then there was a flood, and sobs. But I had my husband on one side of me and my sister in law on the other, and we all just got to stand there for a moment, arms wrapped around one another, crying. United on this same crazy journey. We also had multiple people come up to us and tell us they were praying for our family this season. Such a blessing to know you are loved hundreds of miles away!

On Thanksgiving we all went out to the cemetery. I think most everyone else had been before, but this was our first time back since the funeral. Again, standing in the exact same spot where just months before we saw a casket being lowered just overwhelmed us with emotion. But it was good. It was nice to just have a moment to stand there and remember what was, and what has been lost and miss it, want it back, and then to trust Him and His plan. The boys said bye to GaGa as we left.

In some strange way I think grieving more freed us up a bit to be more open to the new woman. I know that phrasing sounds weird, but well...I think it's the best I can do. To know everyone is in this hard place of still hurting and yet needing to move forward and we are all doing it in different ways. Someone new doesn't mean the old is not missed or longed for. It's a hard and awkward journey we have to travel as a family. I pray that the Lord is going to do a great thing in the midst of it.

So that was our trip home. Some rules for next time: Go when there isn't a holiday. See a Cardinals game. Stay somewhere else. Do what we want to do, no matter what! Pour into those who pour into us. Eat more vegetables. Take our kids to the City Museum and Arch. Eat toasted ravioli and Ted Drewe's.

Now I'm off to fold the mounds of laundry resulting from the insanity.

9 months

Wow. In the last month the girl has decided to get busy! She's growing so much and acting like her own little person now. Which is super fun to watch.

This months she is:

• Refusing baby purees and preferring all table food. And even if she's just eating, if she sees us eating she yells at us until we give her some
• Cheerios are consuming my life, and hers
• She's a messy eater now. I thought that was just a boy thing :(
• She army crawls when she wants something, but is pretty chill about crawling. As am I!
• She claps
• She waves hi and bye
• She says Daddy and dada, and will reach for him. This action was previously reserved just for me, but now he gets preferred treatment as well
• She'll stand up holding something for a bit.
• Holding her is like trying to hold a monkey, she is everywhere.
• Loves to grab EVERYTHING, and then place it directly in her mouth
• Jabbers all the time now and says little words that sound like mama and bubba (brother)
• Squeals with delight when seeing her brothers come home from school or in the morning
• Loves PB&J
• She throw little fits or gets an attitude when told no or not getting her way
• Is the size of a 6 month old, 10th percentile in weight and 25 percentile in height
• Weighs 15 pounds and 9 ounces

Tough Stuff

It was a hard weekend for our family.

In a lot of ways I feel we are entering a new season where everything is unknown. We usually experience this about every 3 years just in the form of moving. Now we are living in the same spot but everything around us seems to be changing.

I think I would rather move.

This was Chris's last Sunday leading worship at the church plant we've been involved with. It was a decision that was a long time in the making and one that will honestly let us all breathe a sigh of relief for awhile.

While I'll miss seeing him get to play, and at times I know he'll miss it as well we have just been so overwhelmed in the last year. When the gig first started we had two preschool age kids and a fully functioning complete family. Obviously all of that has changed in the last year.

Josh is in school which is a very different schedule than the more laid back easy going preschool life. I have limited time with him and it's filled with homework and reading, or rushing out to baseball practice, games or small group.

We also added a child and lost Chris's mom, both of which have had major impacts in their own way.

And not to brag, but that husband of mine...he's kind of a big deal, closing deals and chatting with VP's. He has a lot of responsibility at work and puts in 50-60 hours each week. And he rocks it out. The big bosses adore him and want him to play golf with them. But that's a lot of work, and pressure and a lot for his brain to keep up with.

Then to try to pick out songs, practice, talk to and meet with all the people interested in playing, get the songs to the tech people and spend half of his Sundays at church (as well as show up at small group and help coach baseball)...it was just too much. There was no way he could keep up. And I was trying to manage everything at home and pick up the slack while he was trying to keep up. Which left both of us exhausted and drained and with little to no time for each other, and that only works for so long.

So that door is closed with quite a bit of peace and answer to long prayed prayers that went along with it.

Chris's dad also came down this weekend. With a new "friend". I still don't even really have words other than to just say it was hard. Mainly because every bit of it was a reminder of what no longer is. Our family won't ever be the same. And we miss her horribly.

I have no idea what is in store for the typically dependable side of the family. I know there are a lot more conversations and prayer that's taking place both between Chris and I and in general.

I know God has a plan for us. I repeat that to myself a lot. I KNOW GOD HAS A PLAN FOR US. I know He is loving and merciful and good and is doing a great work. But right now I feel like we are running off the memory and the promise of that then the current state of feeling. And we're all weary and ready to see His face and a glimpse of his plan.

Growing

So I know I only usually update every months for EvaKate, but the last couple weeks have been filled with so many firsts.

It seems like in the last week + she has become her own little person. Our two front teeth have officially cut through, we are crawling, and we say dada to our daddy, and something that sounds like bubba to our brothers.

She also just looks bigger, like she overnight shot up a couple of inches.

Not to mention her personality is bursting forth. She laughs, oh how she laughs! She has a wonderful laugh that she uses quite liberally on all of her favorite people. She loves to play games, especially peek a boo, or daddies silly version of it. She tries to grab the spoon from me when I am feeding her, and yells at me to feed her, especially MY food. The girl is so ready for big girl food. She laughs at me when I tell her no.

This girl of ours is a constant reminder of God's mercy and blessing in our lives and she has bewitched us all with her soft sweetness.

8 months

I feel like we have had a lot of firsts this month! So here is the rundown:

• Her personality is really coming out. She laughs a lot, and she laughs when you tell her no...like she knows exactly what she's doing
• She waves hi and bye
• Not only does she wave but she does it just with us telling her to "say hi" no motions included. By verbal command.
• She says "dada" to him. Not regularly or all the time, you can tell she's still figuring it out, but she says it.
• She only says "mama" now when she cries.
• She had her first major sickness (just a bad cold) which resulted in her first
• Double ear infection, which she handled like a champ
• Has started eating actual solids. Puffs, cheerios, cooked peas. The girl is ready for more serious food. She is constantly trying to grab mine out of my mouth!
• She loves swinging at the park and laughs when she is pushed higher
• She's started having separation anxiety at church. If you give her food she usually calms down. Eventually. It's one of the only times I've seen her cry that hard.
• She adores her brothers and squeals with delight at them and rolls over to play with them.
• She still loves to just roll around the floor.
• Her favorite toy is a rattle
• She loves her daddy. It's been really sweet to watch them the last month as they've gotten really close. She gets so excited when he comes home.

I think that's the gist of it. This is such a fun age. She's very interactive and happy. It is getting a bit harder to go out with her since she always wants to be moving, or eating, which makes it quite hard for me to eat. But it's a small setback compared to how much fun she is the rest of the time! Love that baby girl so much!!!

Boys

Here is a glimpse of where the boys are at since they are less frequently updated on.

Josh: He is getting ready to play in his second baseball tournament of where his team is ranked first. He's been playing great, getting outs, catching the ball, covering the bases, backing people up, and he hit at least a single off coach pitch every single time he's up to bat.

School is still hit and miss. While he's really smart, he gets bored easily and tries to skate by when he can instead of doing his best. He will have a great week and then turn around and have a really bad week behavior wise. We can't seem to figure out what makes the difference other than he likes things very structured and it throws him off when that is out of whack. We are just trying to stay consistent.

He is very witty, which in general is a good thing, but when it comes to snippy come backs to his mom, dad or brother...not so good. When he's not using it in a derogatory way he is hilarious.

The kid is friends with EVERYONE. Everywhere we go he always knows someone or is friend with someone before we leave. I love his outgoing and friendly nature.

He is so sweet and gentle with his sister. He is always telling her how pretty she is, saying hi to her and playing with her when she gets up from naps and when he gets home. He is very patient and loving with her. I pray that someday he will treat his wife in some of the same ways.

Jack: It's been interesting to watch him change in the last month or so since starting preschool. While he still has more shy tendencies, he is getting bolder and bolder. Especially when I'm not around. He has lots of friends at school and even has almost gotten in to trouble at school.

He is very active right now, often literally running laps inside the house or jumping off the furniture doing "back flips". He is very ready to play baseball like his big brother but not quite old enough. However he loves to hang out with the big baseball boys and will often stand by the dugout and chat with his brother or sit by him during snack.

Jack is sweet and kind and funny. Both the boys inherited their fathers sense of humor. Jack is very aware of other peoples feelings and wants to try to help whenever possible. He is super sweet to his sister as well. He calls her EvaKatie buggie.

Their favorite thing to do right now is to go to our favorite park and take the walking trail. From there they love to go in the forest and find sticks to be guns, light savers, or swords....depending on if they are army guys, Jedi's, or kings of Narnia. I love their imaginations and how they are already natural warriors, wanting to protect and defeat the bad guys.

They are crazy, busy, messy, destructive and wild. But I love those boys. And I love that they will either outgrow those things or those attributes are what will make them great men of God. So I'm trying to enjoy seeing fingerprints all over my white doors and enjoy the reminder of their presence instead of getting frustrated I have something else to clean.