5 months

I'm 10 days late again... although I have a really great excuse this time: vacation.

Plus I really don't want to think about the fact that she's 5 months. Because that means she's 1 month from being half way done with being a baby. And I'm not ready for that.

I know I've gushed about how amazing she is (and probably somewhat annoyingly to some of you, I promise I had one very tough baby already!), but seriously I can't get over it.

She's is breathtakingly beautiful, happy, friendly, snuggly, sweet, a great sleeper and eater, and yet shows a fun and feisty side. I cannot wait to see the woman she grows into (although if the process would slow down I would be quite content with that).

There isn't a huge change to me from this month and last that's new, just improving on the other stuff.

• She rolls over all the time and can hold herself up longer
• She laughs out loud
• She grabs EVERYTHING, her favorite toy being my hair
• Once she gets something, it goes straight to her mouth
• We're teething
• She eats like a champ (solids still just once a day but she wants more)
• She's started doing this smile that is really funny where she crinkles up her eyes

She also does this really cute thing when she's nursing; when I'm switching sides she sounds like she's going to hyperventilate with a little fussing thrown in if I take too long. She also smushes up her nose while she's doing this. Girl likes her food. It's cute.

Someone asked me in the grocery store today if I had any special tricks to getting a girl after two boys, my only reply was: a lot of prayer!

We prayed so hard for this girl. Not just her conception, but her. She is a walking answer to prayer and the grace of God and I am reminded of that daily. She is such a blessing and a joy!

Doctor Drama

I have a pediatrician here I love, she's great. Her first response isn't to immediately push drugs, she's great with all of my children and the practice is amazing when she is unavailable.

And then I decided I didn't want to vaccinate my children. And in a really nice way, I was kicked out.

I have a whole rant I could do on that, but we'll just skip on over that.

So. I have 3 kids who need a doctor who accepts the idea of non-vaccination (I'm not even looking for agreement), is great with all 3 of my kids and doesn't try to ram drugs down my throat every time I turn around.

We gave the first recommendation a try today.

Jack has had peeing issues....pretty much forever. He's been pee potty trained for about a year now so the fact that every time he has to go is "do or die" time is stressful, frustrating and after a year, concerning. So between that and a few other symptoms we thought we would see if there was anything to be concerned about.

Long story short, there's not. And it's a long story because I had 3 kids in a doctors office for an hour and a half. THREE KIDS. AN HOUR AND A HALF. Doctors offices are like mommy hell. The kids are on guard, if not cranky from already being sick, it's tight quarters with either a lack of entertainment or germ filled entertainment, they are usually being poked and prodded, and you have to try to hold at least one down and communicate with the doctor while keeping two others happy. AKA achieving the impossible.

Between the amount of time I was there and the doctors inability to once recognize or touch my child (who was the patient) not to mention the lack of any helpful advice or direction I'd say it was a fail.

Why are normal, nice, non drug pushing doctors so difficult to find?

I'm tired of feeling frustrated and defeated every time I have to deal with the medical industry.

7 years

Sunday was Chris and I's 7 year anniversary. My how time flies. I officially feel old.

We got to celebrate Saturday evening with a lovely night out and wonderful restaurant.

Some people give each other gifts, we go to James Beard award winning restaurants (Canoe). Because that's how we roll. And we really like good food.

So thanks to amazing babysitters we headed out for several hours just getting to focus on one another and good food.

It was nice to take our time, chat and reflect. And did I mention the food?

I won't lie, it's been a rough year. Some years of marriage should count for extra for all you have to endure and persevere through. This has definitely been one of those.

Lots of change dealing with loss and new beginnings.

Despite the craziness of our circumstances, and at times our dispositions we have survived another year. Each year is an achievement, this one extra sweet.

We are far from perfect beings both of us still working through a ridiculous amount of sin and imperfections. Some issues are completely in the past, some we are improving on, and others will be lifelong battles the Lord uses to keep us relying on Him individually and His reminder that He is our only source of perfect comfort, protection and love that no human being can fulfill.

As newlyweds I must admit I thought older marrieds quite jaded and swore we would never let our love fade like that. Now a few years and several children in I realize they didn't necessarily let love die but it took a different form, mostly a more realistic form.

You can't always be holding hands and making out (just ask my 6 year old how gross that is), and sometimes it's a good day if you have conversation that is more than just dealing with the business of life (did you reschedule the dentist? Are we going to sign up for that sport, don't forget the deadline is approaching, so and so had that issue again do you think we should take them to the doctor? What day was practice? etc.).

It's hard to be romantic and still pursue one another in this phase of life. I think it's hard to keep the spark going until you climb out of this exhausting and physically demanding stage and transition into one with a little bit more flexibility. The balance is in keeping up the efforts until you get to that next point and not becoming content in doing life on your own or in passing. We're fighting for that. And it is a fight.

So we are CELEBRATING this year and making it through the hurdles. Even though it's been hard it's made us as a couple stronger and the our relationship that much deeper.

And very excited about the prospect of returning to the same restaurant to celebrate a year from now. It was good enough, and beautiful enough to make a tradition of. And we could use some stability right now : )

Lessons

A few things parenthood has taught me so far:

• I am capable of being fully functional on 6 hours of sleep for weeks on end. I hit a wall at about 6 weeks
• Not even parenthood can change my night owl tendencies
• Hearing my children pray and talk about Jesus reminds me that if I have succeeded at nothing else in life I have taught them about their Savior.
• Starving yourself until 3pm on a daily basis while you are busy making sure everyone else is fed does not equal weight loss. Darn.
• Kids are contained and quieter in the car and babies usually fall asleep there. When you need sanity, drive. With the music blasted and windows down if necessary.
• Other kids dirty diapers are way worse than your own kids
• Anything that is light colored will get stained, white is reserved for an evening out AWAY from the kids
• Rocking isn't for calming only the baby down
• If you want your older children to help you with the laundry, be sure to sort your things out first....unless you want comments on all your unmentionables
• One kiss, hug, grin or "I love you mommy" wipes away a multitude of mischief
• Grocery shopping days totally count as a workout. Between lifting kids in and out of the car and the cart plus walking in the stores, bathroom trips in the stores (more lifting and walking) trips back to the back for something you forgot and finally loading it in the car and then unloading it when you get home equals at least one hour of cardio
• Just because I don't understand or agree with the way someone has chosen to parent doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong. Sometimes in parenthood you just gotta do what you gotta do to survive.
• House cleaning counts as exercise too
• Sickness, storms and ouchies are all a chance for additional snuggles. Don't let these opportunities pass
• Don't set yourself up for failure or disappointment. There is no way you are going to make it to those 4 stores without someone having a meltdown, and the kids never sleep past 8:30 on Saturday morning so why hope for it?
• Puke doesn't bother me as much as I thought it did.
• It goes by WAY too fast
• Hide diapers and wipes EVERYWHERE. You will thank yourself when you run out of them at 10:30pm at night or you open your diaper bag to find your husband used the last one without telling you, because these things DO happen! But you won't have to worry when you look in the closet, or the glove compartment and save yourself a trip or argument.
• I'm a better mom when AT LEAST once a month I get some girl time and husband time both without children
• At some point in the day I will have had either pee, poop, puke or snot on me or cleaned it up. It's just is easier if I expect it.
• My husband isn't me, and I should not expect him to be. He is excellent at his job and I am excellent at mine. He doesn't have to remember every little thing the kids need when leaving the house, or that we are out of something or think about dinner because I do my job. And I don't have to worry that our bills will be taken care of and the garbage taken out and yard mowed because he does his.
• Forget the Boy Scouts someone should have coined the "Be Prepared" motto for motherhood. You will never regret having snacks, bottled water, an extra change of clothes and/or other necessities in the car.
• It is the most exhausting, selfless, all encompassing, relentless, repetitive job I have ever done and yet it's also the more important job I will ever do. I have no desire to give it up and am glad that during their most important years I get to take in every moment of the crazy insane joy it brings.

And the first will be last

Many of you are familiar with the verse in Matthew that says:

"But many who are first will be last, and the last first."

Matthew 19:30, ESV

This summer has dawned the awareness of competition in the boys and everything has become about it. Who can get in the car fastest, eat first, pick up quickest (I like this one!), etc. Josh has an obvious advantage in age, height, intelligence, well everything that being 3 years older offers you. Sensing a bit of discouragement from Jack in his constant defeat I read them this parable and verse in Matthew hoping to show them that winning and being first doesn't rank the same on God's scale.

They squirmed and messed with each other and half paid attention to my profound thoughts and lesson and soon enough they were dismissed.

Thinking we would be back to review the lesson in short order we went about our day.

Sure enough the next day I hear storming down the stairs and debating over who was going to win. Jack surprisingly won and was declaring his rare victory to which Josh replied "it's ok Jack I'm going to be first in heaven."

RockStar Daddy

My husband is amazing. Seriously.

Not perfect, don't hear me say that. He has his flaws, and he's a boy (meaning I can't expect him to read my mind, or think like I do and that's why he is good at what he does and I'm good at what I do...we don't think a like).

But great. A great leader, hard worker, humble beyond belief, incredible father, and most importantly in this case...brilliant.

This summer our boys manners (particularly Josh's) have taken a down hill turn for the worse. We hit a wall when he responded to one of our friends by talking back. Oh no he didn't.

So the discipline on talk back and lack of manners got a crack down, with not great results.

While having issues at the dinner table again last night my husband came up with a brilliant solution. Instead of disciplining the bad behavior we would focus on rewarding the good. Every time there was a yes ma'am or yes sir they got a mark. We started off small so they would get the idea, 10 marks got a treat. They learned fast. Now I can barely get something out of my mouth before they respond yes ma'am. Now we're working up to a toy from Target.

His idea was if they were focused on responding in the right way there would be less time for them to think about talking back or responding in an inappropriate way. I can think of so many ways to apply that theory, even in my own life.

Thankful for such a great guy in my life, and for his helping to restore my sanity!

Mundane

Via this website

"Mealtime is a gathering. The people you love the most come to the same place at the same time. Conversations happen; memories are made. There is laughter and tears. A strong family bond begins to form—a bond that grows stronger by doing it again tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that.

The mundane has purpose. If it weren’t for the ordinary duties of food preparation and kitchen cleanup, than this moment, this mealtime, this bond, wouldn’t exist."

With all we have going on I'm not always the best at doing arts and crafts or reading stories. Most of the time it's all I can do to keep everyone fed and mostly happy and try to keep up on the laundry. Let's not even talk about the house. But dinnertime...I think I do dinnertime really well. We eat healthy, I try to expose our kids to new food, we learn table manners (or at least attempt to) we pray, and we talk.

I do dinner. Sometimes it's the small things we do that we need to be reminded really aren't so small.

3 years

Well Jacker is now 3 years old. Crazy. Over the next year any remaining bits of babyishness will slip away leaving me only with a little man of a 4 years old.

Chris and I were talking about the other day how I sometimes don't feel like I know as much about Jack as I did Josh at this point. I don't think it's a lack of my attentiveness as it is more of him being the younger brother. He loves everything big brother does when big brother is around, but when he's by himself his interests seem to change a bit (as well as his personality!). Having a middle child and learning about how younger siblings acts is going to be a learning process for us. We are two oldest children, both the first grandkids on either side and children of 3/4 oldest children. So we don't know that much about little brothers and sisters point of views in families. Time to read up!

That said, when Josh is around it's all about legos and Star Wars and whatever else is going through Josh's crazy imagination at that point. Jack happily follows along. When he is by himself he will quietly bury himself in a fort of pillows with a few of his Hot Wheel cars or Iron Man and sit for an hour perfectly content. He watches whatever Josh wants to when he's around, but if Jack is choosing or by himself it's more Cars or Toy Story 3 oriented. When Josh is around Jack is more talkative (if not downright loud) and crazy, more bold in interacting with strangers, but when he is by himself he's more shy and quiet and sometimes won't even go up to his friends by himself. Like I said, sometimes it's hard to distinguish which is Jack's personality and which is Josh's influence over him.

We've always said it's 3 that's the difficult age not 2, and Jack is living up to that. Jack has always required much less discipline than Josh, however he's starting to keep his own in necessary discipline though. Josh was very defiant towards discipline and would tell you it didn't hurt after he got a spanking. Jack will cry for 10 minutes if you just tell him he is going to get a spanking. He is most often getting in trouble for throwing his cup or food on the floor, and not listening. He is still generally very well behaved, especially when he is by himself.

We are completely potty trained other than at night, however he doesn't always recognize the urge to go early on so all of a sudden he's whining and jumping up and down and if we don't go potty right that minute the world will end. At least that's how he sees it. Very interesting when you are at the back of Target with two other children and he just went 15 minutes ago. We're actually keeping an eye on it since he's been pee potty trained for about 9 months and it seems strange he's not recognizing the urges earlier on yet. He also still has his heart murmur so we look to be headed back to the cardiologist at 4.

At his check up he was 50% across the board weighing in at just over 31 pounds and right at 3 feet tall.

His language skills for his age are amazing. It always cracks us up some of the words he busts out. The other day he told us something was humongous, and asked me how many a million was. Some of my favorite things he says are:

• "I need to go potty really badly"
• "I got an ouchie yesternight"
• "mommy, I lurve you"
• "Firstly we need to..."
• "Can I have a bah-ana?"

It seems odd since he is the more quiet one but he has a ridiculous sense of humor. He knows just the right thing to say at the right time and will repeat jokes he's heard on the radio all the time. He is regularly keeping us laughing and often gets himself out of trouble by using his humor, and cuteness.

He loves peanut butter and anything jelly, honey or banana. He will often choose that over Chick-Fil-A for lunch. He won't eat the red part of peaches because he thinks it tastes bad. He will eat vegetables wonderfully as long as I feed them to him (unless it's cut up cucumber carrots or pepper). He doesn't like cold desserts very much so popsicles and ice cream are usually wasted on him. His favorite treats are cookies and suckers. He likes cupcakes but just eats the frosting. He freaks out if he doesn't get orange juice for breakfast and often asks for it at dinner as well. One of his favorite places to eat is Panera and Chipotle.

He loves trains and cars and gets ridiculously excited when we pass a train (there's a track near our house). He loves to go to the park but is often more interested in dirt and bugs than actually playing. If he is playing it's usually on the slides. He loves going to Chick-Fil-A to play on the playground. He loves Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Little Einstein's on TV and his favorite movies are Cars and Toy Story and Little Rascals. He walks around singing "I've got two pickles, I've got two pickles, I've got two pickles hey hey hey hey."

At his birthday party he was beside himself about getting his own present he got to open and play with. Even though Josh hadn't wanted to share his birthday toys Jack unwaveringly shared his with his brother. He is very generous and considerate and thoughtful. He is very sweet and affectionate as well. Sometimes almost too much : ) He will grab EvaKate's hand and just sit there kissing it for five minutes over and over. He loves to give hugs and snuggles and is very physically touch oriented as how he receives love.

I think that sums up a lot of Jack. He is sweet and caring and crazy and funny. So lucky to have such an amazing three year old boy! Just like I tell him all the time, he's my favorite three year old boy in the whole wide world!

4 months

Ok, admittedly more like 4 1/2 since I'm a bit behind.

However my daughter is not. I'm not sure if it's the difference between boy and girls, or just a realization for how quickly it all goes but it seems like EvaKate is doing things way sooner than she should be!

She is trying to sit up. She doesn't have much balance, but if we lay her back on the boppy she will pull herself up to sitting. The girls has crazy ab muscles. Even the doctor commented on how strong she was.

Most everything else isn't too terribly off pace (except maybe her love for real food) but I just want it all to slow down. I'm not ready to have a squirmy wormy that wants to explore, I still need some more sweet snuggles! Thankfully she's still letting me get in a fair amount of those in. Here are some quick notes of what we are doing:

• She loves to have her legs straight up in the air most of the time, I think in attempts to get her toes
• we started her on solids right at 4 months (so we didn't have to go back on acid reflux medicine) and she loves it! Like eats a 4oz package and wants more loves it. Crazy!
• Anything within a 1 foot radius of her will be grabbed in attempts to get it in her mouth. This includes the boys toys, their hands, my hair, blankets, etc
• I'm pretty sure she's teething
• she blows raspberries back to you after you blow them at her
• when you talk to her she tries to talk back
• she's finally getting ticklish spots
• she had her first time in a swing, and as long as you don't push very hard seems to enjoy it

She was 50% in weight (13.6 pounds) heights (24 1/2 inches) and head measurements. Right on track, no matter what all the random people in the stores who clearly haven't been around babies in 20 years say.

There are not words for how much joy she brings into our house. And pink, and we all love it. We were at Target the other day and Josh picked up an outfit and said "awww, mom this is so adorable!" Both the boys are quite proud of their sister and all of her accomplishments. When Jack sees someone he hasn't seen in awhile he tells them "we got a new baby sister." Even if she's not that new anymore it's sweet he wants to show her off. And let's not even get started on daddy. He is quite proud of his baby girl.

She was being a stinker last night and not wanting to go to sleep after I had just nursed her. She was laying in my lap staring up at me with a look of such adoration trying as hard as she could to talk intermittently with soft smiles. I wanted to freeze that moment in my mind. I know before I know it doors will be slamming and there may even be an "I hate you" dropped (because what teenage girl hasn't said that to their mom?). I hope that though we may go through rough patches we can get back to a place of mutual admiration and be close friends. For now though I'm still very much enjoying a drama free house and her thinking the world of me!

Honesty

My kids are crazy, and adorable and I love them.

As we speak they are all laying in the floor with blankets and animals that Josh got for everyone. Josh declared it a snuggle party, and I was more than happy to join in for a while.

Josh was being such a great big brother making sure everyone was tucked in, telling everyone he loved them. I looked over and told him he was being such a sweet big brother.

He looks at me and says" you know why I'm doing it mom? So I can play Wii."

Honesty. You don't get much else from my kids (unless of course you're asking for the truth and then you get stories).

Josh just asked me to come handle EvaKate who has started her velociraptor squeal. Thrilled to do just that.

3 months and end of kindergarten

This post will be a two-fer.

EvaKate was 3 months about 10 days ago...I'm a little behind : ) wrapping up the baseball season and the school year has been a bit hectic. Plus I'm trying not to focus on it too much. 3 months to me marks the end of the newborn phase, which in a lot of ways is great, it means more interaction and personality. In others ways though it's hard. She's already so curious to see everything and seldom wants to just sit and snuggle as much. It just seemed to go by so quick! I'm looking forward to summer when I hopefully to get to just hang out with her a lot more.

She's so alert, and she knows her family. She smiles almost immediately when the boys or daddy starts talking to her. She's quite friendly as well, obliging most strangers with a smile. She is quite well behaved, she allowed us to go out for our first date night without her and she did fabulously. She doesn't hardly ever cry anymore, more just fusses when she's getting hungry or tired.

She has started to discover her hands and feet (although we've known about our thumb for quite some time...she's a thumb sucker!) and finds those quite interesting. She loves to talk. As soon as she sees someone she knows and they start talking to her, she usually responds back. In fact Jack just got up and came down and I can hear them having a little conversation right now.

She's pretty much perfect right now, ridiculously cute and fun. She has been such a wonderful and much adored addition to our family!

Switching to the second subject:

This is Josh's last week of kindergarten. It's been amazing to see the transformation that has occurred in the past year. He's a great reader and can read just about anything in front of him. The bummer news on this though is that spelling things out no longer works around him. He is a great writer as well and writes some hilarious stories.

It's fun to hear the teachers talk about your childs personality. He usually gets quite a few compliments from them, which is a bit surprising considering he's quite energetic and can talk like nobody's business. One of them told me he's a guys guy. I guess he's Mr. Tough Guy and whatever he's doing usually the others want to join in on. His other teacher told me how smart and sweet he was. I know most guys don't want to be known as sweet, but Josh really is, and I hope he can continue to balance being a guys guy and the sweetness which makes him so lovable. He genuinely cares about his family and isn't afraid to say so and talk about it at school. He adores his sister and is one of the greatest big brothers I've ever seen with her, so doting and caring. He wants to do good and thinks of others.

It's been a fun year to watch him grow in intelligence, awareness, self-discipline and independence. I love watching what a little man he's becoming! Pretty proud of his so far as well! Can't wait to see what 1st grade has in store for us!

6

Yesterday was Josh's birthday. Cannot believe that kid is six already!

While it's kind of a bummer for us both when mother's day and his birthday sink up, it was a little fun since it was the first time it had happened since he was born.

We didn't get to do a whole lot between my parents being in town and church (EvaKate got dedicated as well), but he gets to have a week of fun birthday things and then he'll have a couple friends go play miniature golf with him on Saturday.

It's been amazing to me to watch the difference this year in kindergarden has made. He has no babyishness to him left, he's a grown up kid now!

He's so smart...sometimes too much for his own good : ) If he misses answers, or gets in trouble it's usually because he thought he already knew how to do something and didn't bother listening or reading the directions. He definitely thinks he knows best and will regularly tell me, "but mom, I KNOW!"

He's reading and spelling like a champ, is at one of the highest reading levels that you can be in kindergarden. He's great at math and one of the easiest way to stop the question of "how long until we get there" is to make him count the seconds out of how many minutes we will get there (so 10 minutes is counting to 60 ten times). We'll be driving a long and he'll randomly ask me math questions like "mom, what is 3+3+3+4?" or "what's 40+60?" to which I make him answer and he almost always gets it right.

He's hilarious, and has the greatest laugh. Even if he's telling a joke that totally isn't funny, (like "knock knock, who's there?, orange, orange who?, orange you glad I didn't say tomato) his delivery makes us laugh, usually because he is laughing and his laugh is so contagious.

He's tough and brave. He can wrestle with his brother and dad and the boys on the baseball team throwing in some good hits and elbows. He's gotten hit with the ball a couple times and doesn't cry just bucks up and keeps playing.

Most kids avoid spiders and bugs but Josh actually searches them out and kills them for us (in the house, outside he'll only kill spiders).

Mainly because he's also compassionate. He doesn't mindlessly kill bugs. And he doesn't throw punches in baseball unless the other kids are on him and hurting him. He's great with his brother and sister, always looking out for them and trying to take care of them. He does that at church as well, always tries to help the younger kids. He remembers going downtown at Christmastime and helping the homeless and regularly asks if we can go back again to help the people.

He's sweet. He will still just randomly come over and give me a hug and tell me he loves me, or snuggle with me. He will sit there for half an hour just talking to his sister and trying to get her to smile at him. He loves to just snuggle on the couch with dad and watch baseball.

He is full of energy and excitement and is nonstop until he goes to bed.

He is such an incredible boy, and we are so lucky that God entrusted him to us!

difficulty of motherhood: venting

So yesterday pretty much sucked.

It was just a really hard day.

Sometimes being a mom is just tough, and it's not necessarily that you have a day where everyone's crying or screaming, but sometimes (at least I do) you just feel like you are in this rut of working so hard but that no one notices or cares.

Nobody seems to care you spent an additional half hour at the store with two kids searching for a star wars cupcake topper, or that you spent the little "me" time you get after the kids are in bed frosting cupcakes for a school birthday party. Or that the laundry gets done and put away, that there is a meal on the table almost every night and a lunch to take to school, or even that the baby isn't screaming because she is fed and happy.

Being a mom really is the most sacrificial unselfish thing I have ever had to do, and I can't think of anything else I will do that could top it.

Sometimes I laugh to myself when I hear people talk about their jobs. Just about anything you do at your job I do it, with three kids. Difficult phone calls? I lock myself in the bathroom or closet just to be able to have a business call, or ask the phone company why they've decided to start charging us an additional $10 a month. On your feet all day? Please, unless you're on them 14 hours then we can talk. Didn't have time for a lunch break? Me either, I'm lucky if I can get a granola bar in me before 2pm, and if i am disciplined enough to eat it usually is in front of Mickey Mouse, or while feeding a baby. Not so much of a break. Overflowing inbox? Try returning emails one handed with a kid in your lap.

I am the party planner, cater, chauffeur, administrative assistant, maid, dry cleaners, decorator and handyman all with three kids.

And is hard as it is, I still love what I do.

Yesterday was my grandma's birthday, she died almost exactly a year ago. In the past year I have lost two of my biggest supports and cheerleaders for this exhausting, unrelenting, thankless job that just happens to be one of the most important things I will do in my life.

My grandma had three boys, and was a big encouragement in the difficulties of life with boys. She encouraged me in general in my choice to stay home and serve my family. She was a great listener.

My mother in law always used to send me sweet notes building me up at just the right time. And she prayed like nobody's business for me. When I had to make difficult decisions to make, she praised me for making the right ones. She was a great example of being selfless with her family.

Both of these ladies meant so much to me and helped being steadfast as a mom be a little bit easier. I miss being cheered on and encouraged, and having people that could listen and relate on the hard days and could remind me that I will survive and will make it through, and even cry over how much I missed this.

I've had several people make comments to me recently about how I seem to have it all together, or am so calm and collected. I laugh to myself when they say this, because I am a hot mess. I feel like I can't do it all and am always failing at something. If there is any resemblance of being "with it" it's by the grace of God and nothing of me.

I know I don't always feel this way towards motherhood, but the last couple of months have been hard, and yesterday and today the toll of having lost two such important women in my life is resonating extra deep.

Ironically they were also the two who always sent me a Mother's Day card. This Mother's day is Josh's birthday and EvaKate's dedication so we will be celebrating those.

There is a book that has been a big encouragement to me recently. it's called the Invisible Woman by Nicole Johnson. I read it several years ago and it's analogy has stuck with me. It's a very short easy read and is about a mom who feels invisible. Confiding in a friend who is about to travel to France she breaks down. On the friends return she brings her a book about the beautiful cathedrals. She underlines in the book how it says the builders of these beautiful building cathedrals are unknown. Many of them spent their entire lives working on these buildings, not even getting to see them finished creating something they knew would be great and stand the test of time.

What I am building will stand the test of time. If I work hard and well people will admire the results for decades to come, remarking over the efforts of someone they very well may never meet. And even if no one else sees the beauty of what I have done, God does and it's for Him that I'm building.

Now if I can just remember that at 10:30 pm when I'm frosting cupcakes and making lunches.

Girliness

I realize my baby girl is just over 2 months old. And we haven't cooked together, gone to a fancy restaurant, had tea parties or painted our toes together yet, and yet having a girl is everything I dreamed it would be. A part of me just feels more fulfilled...I'm not quite sure how to explain it.

I just get her. I know she's her own person and will have her own likes and dislikes and desires, but I know she wants to feel beautiful and special. I know she'll love twirling skirts and giggling. It really makes life easier. I won't have to guess if I'm telling her the right things and encouraging her in the right ways, she's a girl, and I get what drives girls. With the boys I can try and speculate, but I still feel like I'm guessing and completely clueless.

That said, my friend sent me this song. I love it. I think it speaks so much to the heart of women. I want to take some of the lyrics and make a cute print of them to hang on my bathroom wall as a reminder for me, and her bedroom wall.

As I was listening to it today I had her in my lap and was singing it to her, and I started to get it. When I look at her all I see is beauty. Nothing out of place, wrong or not quite right. Perfection. And that is what Jesus sees in me. Very hard for me to wrap my mind around it because all I see are faults, but He sees none of that, just beauty and perfection in what He created.

I hope that when she's 13 and 16 and 18 and after she has had a baby I can play this song for her and she can dwell in her beauty and be comfortable in her beauty and know that when her mama and Jesus look at her that is what we see despite all the things the world tells her to see. We see perfection in what we (mainly He) created.

Here's the video too. It's equally as awesome and tear inspiring.

Easter

Easter weekend. All right. Busy.

We have a ridiculous amount of things to do and get caught up on after the craziness of the last 2 months so we're playing catch up. And between baseball two nights a week, small group, worship practice and picking out songs and practicing for worship, we're a bit squeezed for family time let alone work time. So we played catch up on Saturday.

We missed Nancy a lot. Chris' quote form the weekend "I've decided it really sucks that my mom is dead." And that about sums it up.

Interesting after loosing two very dear women in my life the last year I've realized something most people don't about grief. It's not the right after that's hard. it's the 3-4 weeks after that it really hits and holidays. I know in the future I'm going to try to check in on people who have experienced a loss around those times, or drop by with some cupcakes or a meal for some encouragement.

The kids looked ridiculously handsome/adorable on Easter. Josh sang a song with his kids class and he got to sang a solo (he had also picked out the song), he totally rocked it! So proud of him! He didn't get scared at all and in fact everyone was laughing at his cuteness because he was acting like Mr. Cool Guy the whole time.

Both the boys got haircuts on Saturday, Jack got all of his cut off and he looked super handsome showing it off for everyone on Sunday.

EvaKate was as cute as can be in her first Easter dress, and we all wore pink in honor of her addition to the family. I'm glad to know we can spice things up in the future and not have all blue and yellow to look forward to!

The boys did an Easter egg hunt and dyed eggs in the afternoon. I wasn't even a huge candy person, and I remember at some point my aunt started putting money in the eggs. That was awesome. So I took $10 and broke it into $6 ones and $4 worth of quarters. The boys were most excited about their eggs with money, plus it will allow us to do a little Dave Ramsey training with saving, giving and spending. Plus I probably would have spent that on junk that got thrown away anyways. At least we'll get a lesson out of it this way and some will be saved and given to God before the rest goes to junk that I'll eventually throw away : )

The boys enjoyed the day and understand what it is and why we celebrate. In fact having Chris's mom gone almost gives them a deeper understanding of death and coming back to life now. It sure seems to take a lot of work though to make the day special and communicate all those things. We've spent the day today just recovering! Maybe someday they will appreciate all the work I put in making holidays specials, creating traditions and filling their tummies with good food on that day. Or maybe not : ) Jesus knows!

Hard

Today is a hard day. Actually it has been a hard week.

Arnold (Chris's dad) came down for the weekend, and I think that was our first full dose of reality. For the past 3 years most of the time we have spent with his parents has been here in GA, so it was very strange to have him here without her. We went some of the same places and did some of the same things as we did the last time with her. We both kept looking up expecting to see her some where.

Chris' birthday was this week, and it's hard not to think about your birthday without remembering the one who gave birth to you. She used to call him early in the morning on his birthday. It felt weird not having the phone call where we all chat that evening as well.

In general though it seems to be more of the every day little things that make it hard. Hearing the song played at her funeral on the radio, looking at mothers day cards, hearing Adventures in Odyssey come on the radio, the boys getting excited at a package in the mail (it wasn't for them and they were bummed, she used to send them stuff all the time...even when she couldn't go to the store anymore she would order stuff online for them), talking with a mom who home-schooled... it's all the little things that manages to make life seem dull and leave me crying in the middle of Target parking lot.

We just miss her.

I find it interesting how you don't realize just how big the impact someone has on your life until they are no longer in it. Even someone like your mom or mother in law.

Easter will be hard as well. We've celebrated it with them for the last several years, and Nancy and I would always dye eggs with the boys. I thought we would just paint eggs this year (since it's less mess and I didn't have the back up pair of hands) but Josh was on the verge of tears he was so upset we weren't doing the eggs in "the water".

It will also be strange to wake up by an alarm instead of a text that says "He is Risen," to which the expected reply was "He is Risen Indeed!"

So today on Good Friday the presence of death seems very real and painful and makes us that much more mindful of what Christ's death. Looking forward to the hope that we have in Sunday morning and that even though we grieve, we grieve as those who have hope in the resurrection and the knowledge that some day we will get to see her again.

Not sure how people get through this without Jesus.

2 months

Well Little Miss is 2 months old as of Friday.

Crazy how fast it's gone already. Especially with everything going on with Chris' mom, I feel like we've finally been able to really enjoy her in the last week or so. Which makes it extra hard that it's already slipping by. I want to hit pause.

I've decided that little girls are deliciousness bottled up. I cannot get enough of her. I find myself just sitting there staring at her cuteness. She's much more aware of voices and people than the boys were at this age. Her cries already have quite a bit of emotion in them as well. She's developed what Chris has dubbed the velociraptor cry which is kind of like a squeal and a cry combined. She's been cooing for awhile, but it's really only when you talk to her, it's like she's trying to talk back.

Having a baby girl is everything I dreamed it would be cuteness, sweetness and girliness.

She adores her big brothers, and often her smiles are doled out at their crazy antics to illicit just that. She doesn't grin very often but for the most part has a sweet smile that shows what looks to be dimples. She shows it off most often when someone is adoring her and telling her how pretty she is.

So far we are average in height (22 1/2 in) weight (just over 10 pounds) and our head measurements. First baby with an average head. Her favorite spot is on her changing table right by the lamp. She'll even scoot herself back to where her head is almost hanging off the edge trying to stare up into the light. She is fascinated with all lights, especially when paired with mirrors. She could stay in the bathroom all day long. She's a great eater and sleeper. We've been doing a minimum of 6 hours for the last week and a half and the last 5 have been 8 hour nights. She's sleeping in her bed. She looks gorgeous in anything she has on but red and pink seem to be especially stunning on her. She lets mommy dress her up however she wants even putting a bow on practically any time we leave the house. She only gets annoyed at them when she accidentally pulls them down over her eyes and then she does the velociraptor scream/cry until it is promptly removed. Thankfully she has two older brothers at her beck and call.

So that's the baby girl update.

Boys are doing great with all that has transpired in the last couple of months. It's been amazing how well they've rolled with the punches. After baseball wraps up we are hoping to get some good family time and let them be boys and praise them for their months of awesomeness.

We are so blessed to have such a great family!

I had big plans of writing a blog for each month of the first year of EvaKate's life talking about where she is and what she is doing.

Obviously that didn't happen for the first month.

Our lives have been flipped upside down in the last 6 weeks.

In the last six weeks we have had a baby, found out Chris's mom had advanced breast cancer and was admitted to the hospital, found out Chris's mom had passed away and attended her funeral on top of finding out we had termites.

It's been rough.

Hopefully one day I will get around to, or have time to talk about our precious baby girl.

But for now we are grieving. The loss of a great woman, and a great mom. I have an incredible husband and a great deal of that is because of the work his mother did. When Chris and I first met I was in a difficult place, full of transitions and challenges. She was such a blessing to me during that time and we formed a close friendship. She was one of the best grandma's (GaGa) I've ever seen.

I think that's one of the hardest parts. When I think about the kids growing up without her in their lives I break down. Those boys loved their GaGa. And she loved them. She was a very accessible grandma, one to never say no (unless mom and dad required it) and always willing to get in the floor and play or do something crazy. The only time I saw her tell the boys she couldn't do something was either at our request, or 6 weeks before she passed when she literally couldn't get off the couch to play with them. Even then she mustered every bit of strength she had to hold that light saver and play with them.

Praise the Lord EvaKate got to meet her, I'm so grateful we have a picture of them together. But it makes me so sad to know that they won't get to really know each other. I think they would have found so much joy in one anothers presence.

The boys are learning how to grieve as well. Josh can lay out the biblical timeline of when he'll get to see her again and where, but he misses her. He asked if he prayed and asked God to tell GaGa something if He would tell her for him. We were explaining to Jack (again) how GaGa was in heaven with Jesus, but he just looked up sadly and us and said "but that's really, really far." When we saw the body he said that was a different GaGa and he wanted the other one. We are trying to let them walk through their own grief process and support them through it. I feel like it's asking too much of them, but we can't change what is.

I no longer have a mother in law, my husband doesn't have a mom and my kids only have one grandma.

We're still processing, grieving and recovering from an exhausting trip.

There aren't even words for the loss and the hole that is left without her. I'm not sure if I'll write any more about it because it just takes so much to even process, and hurts to think about. Thankfully God does not bring death and loss without also providing new life. We are grateful for the new life we see coming in a couple of situations in our lives, but most thankful for that of sweet Eva.

He gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, blessed be the name!

Continued Craziness

Well just when you think life can't get any crazier it does.

Shortly after I wrote the previous post we hopped a flight to STL with a week and a half year old baby.

Long story short, Chris's mom has stage 4 breast cancer that is throughout her abdomen and on her lungs. She went into the hospital and had a blocked kidney and part of her lung was collapsed. From there she underwent a series of procedures one of which resulted her being a breathing tube and having difficulty getting off of it. She now has a tracheotomy that she is breathing through and started her first round of the heaviest dose of chemo they can give her about a week ago.

We talked to Chris's dad Saturday morning and after hearing how she was doing that day decided we shouldn't mess around and were leaving our house by 6pm that evening for the airport.

We have been so blessed by the prayers and grace that covered us.

I was pretty nervous traveling with such a young baby, and mainly nursing as it was still very painful and awkward. Throughout the trip I nursed on take off and landing of the airplane, several parking lots and the ICU waiting room. I think if we survived that we can get through just about anything with nursing. She also put together two nights of 7 hours worth of sleep while we were there, which was such a blessing since we were emotionally, physically and spiritually worn out. She was a trooper and did wonderfully.

The boys both did great as well with all the insanity. They especially handled seeing their grandma like that well. She's not able to talk and so she writes messages. Instead of talking back to her, Josh started writing back and forth with her. It was precious.

By the time we left she was stabilized, and since has been moved out of the ICU. There is still a long road to fight, but she is a fighter and if anyone can make it, she can. Your prayers for healing, continued strength and perseverance for her would be greatly appreciated. Prayer for Arnold and the rest of the family would be wonderful as well.

We've been back home a week and are almost fully recovered and trying to figure out our new normal. I think we're getting close.

So far I've been grocery shopping (with all 3!), to Target, and to the mall all by myself. The biggest accomplishments though have been getting Josh ready and to baseball (with the other 2), getting all 3 and myself ready for church and there on time, and surviving my first evening of Chris having practice and feeding everyone as well as getting them to bed all by myself.

I think we may survive : )

Now if we could just get a bit more sleep...

First Week Madness

In a perfect world I would have been able to capture my thoughts within a day or two of giving birth to our sweet new baby girl, however as is typical of our lives things have been a bit crazy.

Here are the basic stats:

EvaKate Liana Kelly was born at 11:46 pm, she weighed 7 lbs 4 oz and was 19 inches long

She is beautiful, and perfect and none of us can get enough of her. The boys wake up each morning and the first thing they ask is to see their baby sister.

Her birth was a bit stressful, but overall went incredibly well. Chris calls our midwife a miracle worker, and she really is. With any other doctor we would have had a c-section.

EvaKate is such a good baby. She only cries if she's trying to go to the bathroom or hungry. She's put together 5 hour stretches of sleep for the last 4 nights and is eating wonderfully. We all just stare at her a lot in amazement.

As for the rest of our lives, Josh went into the doctor for an ear infection the day after we had her. A couple days later he started coughing quite a bit, then it turned into all day where he could barely talk between coughs. That night he started saying he couldn't breathe and got a fever, so per orders of our peds answering service into the ER him and Chris went. After a fairly useless trip (because any place not specializing in children generally is) they returned home about 2 am and tried to get some sleep.

We went into the pediatricians office the next morning (EvaKate already had an appointment) with much better results. Josh had an in office breathing treatment and oral steroids as well as prescriptions for both. A virus brought on a severe bronchial infection. Joy. Virus. So we've been trying to keep Josh away from the baby which is as hard on us as it is him. Jack also has some form of it that is mainly acting as cold like symptoms for now. We're praying it stops with him so we don't have a sick newborn on our hands!

Amidst that we have also had some very difficult news about Chris's mom which I may be updating more about later. Please keep her in your prayers.

Basically the first week of baby girls life has been a crazy one.

Chris went back to work yesterday and Josh went back to school today, so today will be our first day of being back on a typical schedule. I have time to write this, so we are doing good so far : )

Praying we get back to a level of normalcy soon as I think for all of us (particularly Chris and I in our first born nature) it will help us handle the craziness in weeks to come.