11 months (and a week +)

It's been a bit of a tumultuous month with baby girl. Not to mention it's been raining practically non stop here so I've been unable to do her 11 month pictures which has further disrupted my rhythm in writing this. Oh well.

I feel a little bit like I have a toddler over night. She's very explorative (I won't go so far as to say she's into everything, because compared to the boys her curiosity is mild), has little interest in being held unless she's tired and jabbers all the time. Those combined makes dinners out, being around groups of people with our children, and in general going places or having more than a few people over difficult. Doable, but not exactly enjoyable. Just everyday life with a toddler.

• Crawling. Like all over the house, can't leaver her unattended unless it's in a closed off room that's been baby proofed type of crawling.
• Pulling herself up. She's still particular about this one and will only do it on certain height objects she feels very stable on.
• Double ear infection that was causing eye drainage and took two rounds of antibiotics to kick. Not fun, for her or me.
• Stopped nursing. I felt like I drug it out as long as possible and we were both just over it. She didn't seem to miss it a bit.
• Eats everything we eat
• Is chunking up. When at the doctors they weighed her and she was up 3 pounds from her 9 month visit!
• This has been an ongoing thing but something I'm just now remembering to note on, the girl loves her some accessories. She is always checking out and feeling others and hers shoes, rings, necklaces, earrings etc. It's one of the first thing she notices and goes for.
• She talks ALL the time. If the boys are talking a lot at dinner she'll raise her voice to be heard and noticed.
• She kicks her feet really hard when she's excited. The harder she kicks, the more excited she is. She reacts this way to favored foods as well.
• She's started to show an interest in TV. We did a pizza and movie family night and watched Dolphin Tale (so good BTW!) and she kept kicking her feet and yelling at the screen and laughing. It was so cute.
• One of her favorite parts of the day is when he brothers get home from school. She is so excited to see them and loves to be on the ground playing with them.
• She hugs me. She'll put her arms around my neck and squeeze.
• Gives lots of kisses on cue, sometimes without being prompted. Very lovable.
• Her favorite toys are hot wheels cars and her little push car. She also likes her talking tea set and purse
• She is very intuitive with clothing. I won't have put anything on her yet and get ready to put on a pair of pants and she lifts her leg up for it. Even if I go to put a shirt on first she'll hold her arm out, and with cardigans and jackets she hold her arm straight out in anticipation. The boys never did anything like that until closer to two years. I swear she already knows her clothing items and how to get dressed.
• If I ask her which pair of shoes and hold out one of each, she chooses. And usually the one I would pick
• Laughs when others laugh
• Crinkles her nose when she laughs

I'm not really loving the lack of snuggles more independence has brought me, but I know that phase will come back. It makes it easier that I get to see her fun personality coming out!

Right you are

Great quote form Jack this morning:

Mom: Jack, don't step there, you're sister made a big mess. (look under his chair) I guess someone else made a big mess too, why did you do that? You're not a baby like you sister?

Jack: Mom, I'm just a boy.

Tis the Season

To be jolly.

Except we're not.

In all honesty, the last week has really sucked and been hard. The absence of Nancy right now is palpable.

This time last year was the beginning of the end. And we knew. She called to tell us that she wasn't going to be able to come down for Christmas as she was feeling too bad. And while it wasn't beyond my mother in law to say something like that to make sure she was really wanted, she never would have missed such a memory filled time with her grandchildren. Ever. Unless something was really wrong. And it was. We knew.

So we're questioning (should we have gone up to STL for Christmas even though I was 8 months pregnant, should we have confronted her sooner, should we have stayed in STL longer when we went up after EvaKate was born.....), and doubting, missing and praying.

Tomorrow is her birthday. We'll be having german chocolate cake for Christmas as it was always around this time of year. It was her favorite, I always made it for her. New Years is their anniversary. She never doubted moving up their wedding date so they could be married sooner, even if it was on an odd day.

It's just going to be our little family this year. No one's coming to visit. Not for lack of invites, just...different priorities.

But we're trying to put on our game face. It's time to impress upon the kids the reason why we celebrate, and it's EvaKate's first Christmas. I HATE that so many of her firsts are intertwined with sorrow.

We're also waiting on what could potentially be more bad news for another immediate family member. I think if I hear the word cancer one more time in the next year I'm going to vomit.

So even though when we look around right now all we see is pain, and suffering and sadness, it makes it that much bigger of a deal that Christ CHOSE to walk into this. Not only did He choose it, but He did so with a rescue plan. So that even though all we see is broken we have the hope that it won't always be. We have hope. Come, Jesus!

10 months

10 months. 2 from being 1. Every time I start to get upset about how fast it's going by and wanting to slow it down, I just have to hang out with her and then I'm good. It's so much fun to see her little personality coming out! And as squirmy as she is, it's also a really fun age. Here are some of the highlights:

• She's crawling. Still not with the most grace, but she'll get up on all fours and interchanging between that position and army crawling she gets where she wants
• She's making noises that sounds more and more like words. Like Jack, Josh, more and mama. She's got dada and daddy down. She jabbers all the time.
• She is still eating us out of house and home. She loves food. It's so funny to watch her get so excited about it, and then after each bite watch her wave her arms around and smile.
• She loves to point, and also stick her hands up in the air with both index fingers up like she's saying "I'm number 1!"
• If you ask her for a kiss, she'll give you kisses. Mind you it's open mouth, but they're super sweet (and slobbery)!
• She chews on anything she can get
• She loves baths and can now sit in the bathtub on her own. She's even ok with the water going over her head and on her face.

She's just so interactive! Christmas is going to be a blast with her and she's already itching to get to all the presents!

Lost tooth

So I think with all the craziness of travels I didn't update that Josh lost his first tooth. Literally.

The week before Thanksgiving he was at school and I guess he was sliding down a slide and (his story coming into play now) at the bottom some kid punched him in the mouth and then kicked him in the leg. When the kid punched him his tooth came out, and his mouth was bleeding. With all the blood Josh and the teacher forgot to look for his first lost tooth.

I think it's a bit more likely that Josh slid into the kid and some sort of accidental hitting took place, but who knows, he is a 6 year old boy who plays like one and his lip was swollen and slightly cut.

When I got called (since when you go to the clinic your mom gets called) and they told me his tooth was lost, I won't lie I wanted to cry a bit. This is my firstborns first lost tooth and you're telling me you lost it? Well let's go find it!!! And really, if I would have had EK and Jack tired and in the car, we probably would have been out on the playground searching through mulch. Because it's a big freaking deal people! For him and for me.

Thankfully not pushing Santa gives me a pass with the tooth fairy. My kids too smart and assumed I was she. While I neither confirmed or denied his theory, I didn't really have to. But I love that he has those deduction skills. So even though he didn't have a tooth to put in it he got out the tooth pillow (with a little pocket in it and everything) my grandma had made for him years ago (I hope that I plan that well before my death, what a gift to those mourning your loss, so many sweet reminders!) and put it by his pillow. He woke up in the morning with a $5 bill. First lost tooth bonus. Plus it was kind of a traumatic event. It will only be $1 going forward, maybe $.50 if Jack start overlapping him.

He's been having some really good weeks at school too. Seems like he has finally hit his stride. In December. Better late than never!

He also had (in my mind) a very big first this week. He was finally allowed to watch the first Harry Potter. He loves it, and I love that he loves it. He keeps asking me a ton of questions trying to figure out all the mysteries. I love his thirst for understanding. I also love getting to explain to him all the parallels to how Harry is like Jesus and Voldemort is like Satan. What a gift that every story echoes that of our Savior and gives us so many opportunities to give examples of and see different interpretations of what His love for us looks like!

To make up for my oldests streak of awesomeness, Jack has been being a pill. There's always one kid (if not two) that are in a phase it seems like. Jack has just been being super whiny and slow (the kid takes forever to do anything that involves movement) and unwilling to try to do most things by himself. I think he's going through a growth spurt and being his first year of preschool constantly fighting something off which would explain most of it, but I'm kind of ready for it to be over.

EvaKate is doing great, getting more teeth in, but I will be updating more on her next week as she turns (gulp) 10 months. They just grow up too darn fast!

"Vacation"

We just got back from our "vacation" to STL for Thanksgiving.

I say "vacation" because even though it's supposed to be one, every time we go to STL we always end up, sick (one or all of us, this time only Chris was spared), dealing with major family drama, not getting to do everything we wanted and coming home feeling like we need a vacation from our vacation.

This trip was no exception.

We are exhausted and trying to hit the ground running as usual. And also trying to lay down some rules for when we go back next time.

I think for me one of the most frustrating things about this trip was I let myself be manipulated and guilt tripped into doing things I didn't even want to do. I need to stand firm in what I want and what I want to make a priority no matter what any one else says or does. I have no one to blame for the regret other than myself.

This was especially hard since my two very best friends were in town and I only got a couple hours with each of them.

Plus it rained pretty much the ENTIRE time we were there. Canceling our plans to get pictures done.

That said...we did get some good family time. I got to see both my grandparents, and Chris got to see his grandparents (moms side) it was fun to watch all of them with EvaKate and make sure we had plenty of pictures. We also got to do a couple fun activities with Chris's side, which includes 6 kids 6 and under. It's crazy, but fun. We always joke we are a walking birth control add when we go out together.

I think for us one of the biggest blessings we got, somewhat unexpectedly was more time to grieve. Being separated from so many of the memories and spots sometimes makes it a little harder to grieve in quite the same way we would if we were home. I don't think either of us went up there expecting to get more of that or even realizing that we still have a lot more to go, it just kind of hit us.

Like on Sunday, we went to the church I grew up in, we were married in, and had Nancy's service in. We ended up on one of the front rows and after standing there for a few minutes it hit me the last time I had been there was staring at a casket. And then the tears came. About that time one of the songs played at her funeral came on as well. And then there was a flood, and sobs. But I had my husband on one side of me and my sister in law on the other, and we all just got to stand there for a moment, arms wrapped around one another, crying. United on this same crazy journey. We also had multiple people come up to us and tell us they were praying for our family this season. Such a blessing to know you are loved hundreds of miles away!

On Thanksgiving we all went out to the cemetery. I think most everyone else had been before, but this was our first time back since the funeral. Again, standing in the exact same spot where just months before we saw a casket being lowered just overwhelmed us with emotion. But it was good. It was nice to just have a moment to stand there and remember what was, and what has been lost and miss it, want it back, and then to trust Him and His plan. The boys said bye to GaGa as we left.

In some strange way I think grieving more freed us up a bit to be more open to the new woman. I know that phrasing sounds weird, but well...I think it's the best I can do. To know everyone is in this hard place of still hurting and yet needing to move forward and we are all doing it in different ways. Someone new doesn't mean the old is not missed or longed for. It's a hard and awkward journey we have to travel as a family. I pray that the Lord is going to do a great thing in the midst of it.

So that was our trip home. Some rules for next time: Go when there isn't a holiday. See a Cardinals game. Stay somewhere else. Do what we want to do, no matter what! Pour into those who pour into us. Eat more vegetables. Take our kids to the City Museum and Arch. Eat toasted ravioli and Ted Drewe's.

Now I'm off to fold the mounds of laundry resulting from the insanity.

9 months

Wow. In the last month the girl has decided to get busy! She's growing so much and acting like her own little person now. Which is super fun to watch.

This months she is:

• Refusing baby purees and preferring all table food. And even if she's just eating, if she sees us eating she yells at us until we give her some
• Cheerios are consuming my life, and hers
• She's a messy eater now. I thought that was just a boy thing :(
• She army crawls when she wants something, but is pretty chill about crawling. As am I!
• She claps
• She waves hi and bye
• She says Daddy and dada, and will reach for him. This action was previously reserved just for me, but now he gets preferred treatment as well
• She'll stand up holding something for a bit.
• Holding her is like trying to hold a monkey, she is everywhere.
• Loves to grab EVERYTHING, and then place it directly in her mouth
• Jabbers all the time now and says little words that sound like mama and bubba (brother)
• Squeals with delight when seeing her brothers come home from school or in the morning
• Loves PB&J
• She throw little fits or gets an attitude when told no or not getting her way
• Is the size of a 6 month old, 10th percentile in weight and 25 percentile in height
• Weighs 15 pounds and 9 ounces

Tough Stuff

It was a hard weekend for our family.

In a lot of ways I feel we are entering a new season where everything is unknown. We usually experience this about every 3 years just in the form of moving. Now we are living in the same spot but everything around us seems to be changing.

I think I would rather move.

This was Chris's last Sunday leading worship at the church plant we've been involved with. It was a decision that was a long time in the making and one that will honestly let us all breathe a sigh of relief for awhile.

While I'll miss seeing him get to play, and at times I know he'll miss it as well we have just been so overwhelmed in the last year. When the gig first started we had two preschool age kids and a fully functioning complete family. Obviously all of that has changed in the last year.

Josh is in school which is a very different schedule than the more laid back easy going preschool life. I have limited time with him and it's filled with homework and reading, or rushing out to baseball practice, games or small group.

We also added a child and lost Chris's mom, both of which have had major impacts in their own way.

And not to brag, but that husband of mine...he's kind of a big deal, closing deals and chatting with VP's. He has a lot of responsibility at work and puts in 50-60 hours each week. And he rocks it out. The big bosses adore him and want him to play golf with them. But that's a lot of work, and pressure and a lot for his brain to keep up with.

Then to try to pick out songs, practice, talk to and meet with all the people interested in playing, get the songs to the tech people and spend half of his Sundays at church (as well as show up at small group and help coach baseball)...it was just too much. There was no way he could keep up. And I was trying to manage everything at home and pick up the slack while he was trying to keep up. Which left both of us exhausted and drained and with little to no time for each other, and that only works for so long.

So that door is closed with quite a bit of peace and answer to long prayed prayers that went along with it.

Chris's dad also came down this weekend. With a new "friend". I still don't even really have words other than to just say it was hard. Mainly because every bit of it was a reminder of what no longer is. Our family won't ever be the same. And we miss her horribly.

I have no idea what is in store for the typically dependable side of the family. I know there are a lot more conversations and prayer that's taking place both between Chris and I and in general.

I know God has a plan for us. I repeat that to myself a lot. I KNOW GOD HAS A PLAN FOR US. I know He is loving and merciful and good and is doing a great work. But right now I feel like we are running off the memory and the promise of that then the current state of feeling. And we're all weary and ready to see His face and a glimpse of his plan.

Growing

So I know I only usually update every months for EvaKate, but the last couple weeks have been filled with so many firsts.

It seems like in the last week + she has become her own little person. Our two front teeth have officially cut through, we are crawling, and we say dada to our daddy, and something that sounds like bubba to our brothers.

She also just looks bigger, like she overnight shot up a couple of inches.

Not to mention her personality is bursting forth. She laughs, oh how she laughs! She has a wonderful laugh that she uses quite liberally on all of her favorite people. She loves to play games, especially peek a boo, or daddies silly version of it. She tries to grab the spoon from me when I am feeding her, and yells at me to feed her, especially MY food. The girl is so ready for big girl food. She laughs at me when I tell her no.

This girl of ours is a constant reminder of God's mercy and blessing in our lives and she has bewitched us all with her soft sweetness.

8 months

I feel like we have had a lot of firsts this month! So here is the rundown:

• Her personality is really coming out. She laughs a lot, and she laughs when you tell her no...like she knows exactly what she's doing
• She waves hi and bye
• Not only does she wave but she does it just with us telling her to "say hi" no motions included. By verbal command.
• She says "dada" to him. Not regularly or all the time, you can tell she's still figuring it out, but she says it.
• She only says "mama" now when she cries.
• She had her first major sickness (just a bad cold) which resulted in her first
• Double ear infection, which she handled like a champ
• Has started eating actual solids. Puffs, cheerios, cooked peas. The girl is ready for more serious food. She is constantly trying to grab mine out of my mouth!
• She loves swinging at the park and laughs when she is pushed higher
• She's started having separation anxiety at church. If you give her food she usually calms down. Eventually. It's one of the only times I've seen her cry that hard.
• She adores her brothers and squeals with delight at them and rolls over to play with them.
• She still loves to just roll around the floor.
• Her favorite toy is a rattle
• She loves her daddy. It's been really sweet to watch them the last month as they've gotten really close. She gets so excited when he comes home.

I think that's the gist of it. This is such a fun age. She's very interactive and happy. It is getting a bit harder to go out with her since she always wants to be moving, or eating, which makes it quite hard for me to eat. But it's a small setback compared to how much fun she is the rest of the time! Love that baby girl so much!!!

Boys

Here is a glimpse of where the boys are at since they are less frequently updated on.

Josh: He is getting ready to play in his second baseball tournament of where his team is ranked first. He's been playing great, getting outs, catching the ball, covering the bases, backing people up, and he hit at least a single off coach pitch every single time he's up to bat.

School is still hit and miss. While he's really smart, he gets bored easily and tries to skate by when he can instead of doing his best. He will have a great week and then turn around and have a really bad week behavior wise. We can't seem to figure out what makes the difference other than he likes things very structured and it throws him off when that is out of whack. We are just trying to stay consistent.

He is very witty, which in general is a good thing, but when it comes to snippy come backs to his mom, dad or brother...not so good. When he's not using it in a derogatory way he is hilarious.

The kid is friends with EVERYONE. Everywhere we go he always knows someone or is friend with someone before we leave. I love his outgoing and friendly nature.

He is so sweet and gentle with his sister. He is always telling her how pretty she is, saying hi to her and playing with her when she gets up from naps and when he gets home. He is very patient and loving with her. I pray that someday he will treat his wife in some of the same ways.

Jack: It's been interesting to watch him change in the last month or so since starting preschool. While he still has more shy tendencies, he is getting bolder and bolder. Especially when I'm not around. He has lots of friends at school and even has almost gotten in to trouble at school.

He is very active right now, often literally running laps inside the house or jumping off the furniture doing "back flips". He is very ready to play baseball like his big brother but not quite old enough. However he loves to hang out with the big baseball boys and will often stand by the dugout and chat with his brother or sit by him during snack.

Jack is sweet and kind and funny. Both the boys inherited their fathers sense of humor. Jack is very aware of other peoples feelings and wants to try to help whenever possible. He is super sweet to his sister as well. He calls her EvaKatie buggie.

Their favorite thing to do right now is to go to our favorite park and take the walking trail. From there they love to go in the forest and find sticks to be guns, light savers, or swords....depending on if they are army guys, Jedi's, or kings of Narnia. I love their imaginations and how they are already natural warriors, wanting to protect and defeat the bad guys.

They are crazy, busy, messy, destructive and wild. But I love those boys. And I love that they will either outgrow those things or those attributes are what will make them great men of God. So I'm trying to enjoy seeing fingerprints all over my white doors and enjoy the reminder of their presence instead of getting frustrated I have something else to clean.

"E" Day

While Jack is a preschool superstar with two green weeks in a row, our more outgoing, talkative and squirmy oldest has a bit more difficulty having good days. Especially putting together a run of them.

This week Josh had 4 "E" days! E stands for excellent. This is a really big deal for him. We wanted to make sure he knew how big a deal this was and to go above and beyond in praising him. So the boys got to have a weekend of fun.

Saturday Josh had a game in the morning, in the afternoon we headed over to Suwanee Days where they got fair food and lots of inflatable fun. Then we took them out to Panera (one of their favorites) and they got chocolate chip cookies. Sunday we took them to see their first ever 3D movie, The Lion King along with popcorn, coke and m&m's. Josh also got to rent a video game for Wii for the weekend.

Hopefully it inspires him to be extra diligent about his behavior. And if not, at least our bank account will get a break next weekend :)

7 months

Seven Months as of Thursday. I was in an accident last week so we are still trying to get back on schedule after that day of fun and now adding almost daily chiropractor visits to the schedule, so we're a bit behind again.

No doctor check ups so I'm not sure about height and weight, although I know she seems long and tiny to me. I'm also very pleased that she is FINALLY fitting into all the cute shoes we bought her before she was born. We bought her size 1 shoes, because it's practically impossible to find size 0 shoes, and the boys always had bigger feet. Well at 7 months (and thankfully when the weather is cooling down a bit) all her cute boots and flats are fitting. The girl is just petite all around. Her 3-6 month pants are a bit big on her.

Although she is in such a fun age (all be it the squirmy it's like holding a monkey phase) with her jabbering and interacting, and I cannot wait to see more of her personality come out part of me wants to keep her a tiny baby forever.

She is just so sweet. She smiles at everyone and is always happy. Even though she likes to move she will still lay her head on me and snuggle up, often times even falling asleep on me. I wish I could freeze the look she give me as well. She just looks up at me with those beautiful dark eyes with such adoration. She seems to think I'm it. Even though she adores her daddy and loves hanging with him, if I walk away she's looking around for me.

I know someday we will hit a difficult phase. Chris thinks I'm being dramatic, but I know it's just part of mother-daughter relationships. I know I'll have a door slammed on me at some point and our relationship will be strained. I'm trying to freeze the sweet look of adoration she gives me in my head for that moment. Remembering that even then when she's proclaiming her dislike for me, she needs me, and even if she won't say it, in some way she still adores me and needs me to be her mom. Someone to guide her and protect her and love her despite the yelling and moodiness.

On to the milestones.

• We have two teeth that should be busting out at any point. Come on teeth!
• We jabber. And squeal with excitement. Particularly at her three favorite boys (brothers and dad)
• She has now said "mama" and "dada" in solicited form instead of a string of jabbering. Very close to calling for us.
• She's started to get very ticklish
• We do a slight army crawl when we get desperate
• She really likes food, and is constantly trying to grab mine whenever I am holding her
• She's learned to drink from a sippy, but just the big kid kind she sees brother drinking from
• The closest she gets to throwing a fit occurs when she is put into her car seat. She just kind of whines for a minute. I think this is mainly because we practically live in the car. I kind of resent it as well.
• The girl loves cords. She loves to roll to them. Speaker cords, lamp cords, Wii cords...anything she can get to.

I think that's the gist of the new stuff. Snuggly and sweet EvaKate.

School Drama

He survived the week. Not only did he survive, he did great.

I'm learning to not put expectations or assumptions on my children. I totally thought Jack was going to have a rough week and it was going to be a traumatic transition for him. I couldn't have been more wrong. He was SO ready.

He had a green week all three days. While some families may think "yeah, of course, what else is there?" We haven't gotten to see too many of those with our oldest (whose kinesthetic learning tendencies and very strong verbal skills aren't always recognized as that by the school system), and we think those green stickers are a pretty big deal.

This has however made for some interesting dynamics between the boys. Jack always asks Josh what he got when he gets in the car, and enjoys telling Josh he got a green day and "it's not that hard, you just have to try your best." Needless to say my oldest does not take very well to having his little brother out do him, let alone telling him it's "easy."

While Jack has been doing wonderfully it's been a really hard week for me. I keep going back and forth between being upset I'm one step closer to an empty house and feeling overwhelmed wondering how the heck I'm going to survive until they are out of the house.

As much as I had hoped having Jack in preschool would make me have a ton of time, so far it's done the opposite. I have to drop Josh off at 8, come home and get Jack and myself ready, drop him off at 9:20, feed EvaKate, run any errands, or go to bible study or exercise, get myself and EvaKate fed again, pick Jack up at 1:20 come home and try to let my sleep deprived daughter get about 40 minutes of sleep before throwing her in the car to go pick up my oldest. So far my daughter is not getting enough sleep and I feel like I have less time. We'll see how the next week or so progresses, but we may have to make some changes.

We've also been really struggling with what to do about Josh. The kid is a talker. Shocking I know. He also is very smart and very active, all of which combined together doesn't thrive so well in the public school system.

Getting "E" days are a rarity, and more often we are getting notes sent home about how he's talking, reading books during social studies, not sitting still, etc. Often he'll even get in trouble for talking at lunch. Seriously? As a mom I need to support the school and it's rules and for the most part I understand them. But it's really hard when I don't feel like what Josh did was bad or wrong but simply them enforcing crowd control. There are no easy options. Homeschool isn't a perfect fix by any means and honestly is not an area where I'm very gifted in. Chris knows the downsides to homeschooling and I know the downsides to public school. And we don't even see the point in paying thousands upon thousands of dollars for our kid to go to a private school and have the same issues.

We've literally tried every disciplinary and reward tactic we know, we've talked to professionals (I love having a childhood counselor as a friend!) and taken their advice, all without much luck. The common theme: consistency and perseverance. But that is really hard, and defeating. We are doing the best we know how and trying to balance encouragement and praise in with the discipline. I feel inadequate and am having my first experience of really having to fully trust Christ with my children and their hearts. I can't make Josh obey, or want to obey. He has to want to and the Holy Spirit will have to help him.

Parenthood sure increases your prayer life!

Day In Review

He survived. I survived. My daughter is too quiet.

He did wonderfully. His teacher said he was great and she is really looking forward to having him in class.

Of course he did. He is the epitome of kindness.

We called daddy to tell him how we did. Jack said "I tried my best". He did too, he even told us he told the teacher yes ma'am.

I'm pretty sure my kid just aged a year in one day.

My heart feels worn down by all the letting go I'm having to do that I'm not ready for.

First day of Preschool

My baby boy just headed out the door for preschool. My shy, reserved (unless his brother is around) little man just walked straight into preschool like such a big boy. What a champ.

I'm so proud of him, I know it's such a big step for him, doing something on his own.

Me on the other hand, I'm a bit of a mess.

I thought after the first one leaving for school it would get easier. However each one that leaves is a reminder of how much closer I am to having an empty house and how quickly parenthood and these precious years are slipping by.

Homeschooling seems like a really good option today.

Hope he has a better day than I am!

6 months

Well not only have we been a bit pre-occupied with funerals and traveling arrangements, I've been delaying writing this. I just don't want to have to think about the fact that her first year is already halfway over. It goes by way too fast. Thankfully she's started doing some ridiculously cute things to make it a little easier. So here is where she's at:

• She is just under 26 inches and is 53% in height
• Only 41% in her head circumference. Still shocking to me after the boys averaging 90% each visit
• 14 pounds and 3 oz, putting her in the 15% of weight. Apparently her activeness and my healthy eating attempts is not lending itself to cute baby rolls.
• She will say "mama" and "dada" not necessarily to us, just babbling. But she says it none the less. And we affirm it like crazy!
• She can get anything she wants. Between rolling everywhere and being able to turn herself in circles she's pretty much fully mobile. Thankfully she's pretty chill so doesn't go after every little thing on the floor. Never the less the legos are about to be banned to the boys bedroom.
• She can sit up. Not very steady and will still forget what she's doing and just leans back, but with a boppy she's good. She gets bored with it though because her aforementioned mobility is much more rewarding than sitting.
• One of my favorite things she does is wrap her arms around me when I pick her up and kind of bury her face into my hair and neck. It's her version of snuggling I think.
• Nursing is interesting these days because she wants to check out everything that is going on. And she forgets the food is not portable, despite her attempts at making it so.
• She loves food and will eat the equivalent of two baby food jars at each feeding and she's eating solids twice a day. That 4 jars of baby food in one day. Good thing I can make that stuff myself. And our grocery store runs really good specials on it. ($.41 per jar of organic baby food! I can't make it for that!)
• She refuses anything green unless it's mixed with fruit. No matter how hungry she is.
• She's so easy going and has slid right into the hectic school schedule. She'll even let me get her up and put her in the car in the morning without feeding her until we get back home! She also naps just about whenever.
• She grabs everything. If I'm holding her at dinner I have to hold her an arms length away or else she knows to grab the placemat the pull the food and drink towards her. She also will grab my earrings and hair but somehow seems to know to be gentle with both.
• She grins when daddy comes home.
• She "talks" to you when you're talking to her.
• She adores her brothers and laughs for them
• She loves baths and kick like crazy usually covering me and the rest of the bathroom
• Some nights she tries to stay awake a little longer just to get some time with mommy and daddy just by herself (which we are typically thrilled to indulge). Even if I just lay her in her crib wide awake though she'll just fall asleep on her own, not a peep.
• She got shots today, (I know, I changed my mind, mainly because our doc is so incredible, it's hard work being a parent and making tough decision. No ones got it all right or figured out.) the boys both would always look at me with the "why did you do this to me" look and then scream at me. She barely cried, and it wasn't screaming. Not much of a look either. She's SO good.

So that's where we're at. I'm sure at some point in her life it will be evident to me that she is a sinful imperfect being just like all of us. However right now she still just seems so perfect. I would be thrilled to do nothing more in a day than just play and snuggle with her. I'm excited about getting some more of that when Jack starts school soon. It's hard to get much of that time with the boys around. She's the most easy going so she's usually the one who gets the least attention. Those crazy boys!

I was remembering the other day what we went through getting pregnant with her and how much she was prayed for and over in my belly. She is such a gift and blessing and I am so grateful for my little princess!

Tough Stuff

My poor daughter. So much of the first year of her life and her milestones are intertwined with bad news, death and mourning.

EvaKate is 6 months old today. And the post for that will have to wait until another day.

Today is a hard day. We've gotten news that Chris's grandpa (Arnold's dad) has been sent home given a couple days to live at best.

There has just been way too much death.

Josh got sent home with a project where he has to include 5-7 items that create strong memories for him. Between this and cleaning out a closet I have had several reminders of the loss our families have encountered in the last year and a half.

A picture of my grandpa looking all dapper in his pink tie at our wedding, a card for Josh's 1st birthday from Nancy calling him her "Joshy Buddy Rascal", a container of English bath soaps my grandma always had in her bathrooms that she had given me...it's just all been a lot.

One of the hardest parts was having Josh pick out things that induce strong memories (mainly pictures) and him including one of Nancy's funeral. I hate that my kid strongly remembers death and loss at age 6. How do you help a 6 year old process grief when you are still so new to it yourself?

Our family could use some prayer. We could use a bit of an emotional break, and some joy. More than anything though we need the Lord's presence and the peace, comfort and wisdom only He can bestow.

Mama

Well it's official, EvaKate said her first word today! And after two boys who both said dada first, I am very proud to announce that my daughters first word was mama.

Mind you she usually only does it when she's fussing, and I'm not sure she connects that it's me she's calling just yet (although she does seem to associate it with me) she has said it, repeatedly. Throughout the day. So. it. counts.

I took a meal (putting it lightly, having been a first time mom and enjoying cooking I usually bring more like a meal, a couple lunches, breakfast and snack...it's one of the ways I serve) to a friend today who is doing mommyhood for the first time. That and a post I saw about what you would tell your pregnant self had me thinking a bit...what advice would I give?

Where to begin would be the better question. At 21 I barely knew myself let alone how to be responsible for another human being. I was the first of my friends by at least 3 years to have kids as well. No one, and I mean no one on my radar had children in the past 20 years, or ever. Even then the internet was not like what it is now where I would have had some sort of online information source on how to do it all.

I remember one of my best friends moms (who is one of the wisest women I know and adore, and wish I could be mentored by except for that whole other state business) telling me life would never be the same. I remember getting in the car after hearing that and telling Chris I didn't think that was true and I didn't want parenthood to totally change us and who we are. Someone should have smacked that proud naive girl upside the head.

All that said, I think I would have told myself that it will be the hardest most selfless thing you will ever do. But it is so worth it. Sometimes you won't think so, you'll feel like you're failing and you can't do it. You can't. Not without God. And some days will be survived by his grace alone. And it does take a village, at least one supporting you in the most difficult job ever. Find a village, and plug in. You need people, who have been there, who are there, who can tell you you'll make it, and so will your child, someone who you can escape with for a few hours. Before you know it the days of exhaustion will diminish and you'll see then end in sight. And then you will want it all back. Drink it in. Take lots of mental pictures. Snuggle every chance you get. Say yes more than you say no, or wait a minute. Because motherhood is the hardest most selfless thing you will ever have to do. You love something with all of your being, pour all of your thoughts, focus and energy into growing something and then you have to let it go. Did I mention you needed God?

That's what I would say. And why I'm extra sentimental about that sweet gummy mouth being able to say "mama" today and even more excited that I'm the one she's talking to.

First Grade

Well this past week has been our last week of summer.

As typical it's bittersweet. I'll be honest...I am so. ready. for him to go back to school. The talkback, bickering and attitude has been at an all time high. If I didn't know any better I'd say I was living with a teenager!

That said, I know as soon as he goes back I'm going to miss him. Especially once baseball starts, it seems like we get a lot less time together as a family.

We've done a bunch of fun stuff this week (on top of school supply and clothes shopping) getting ready for the return to school. We've been to the library twice, had a play date in the sprinkler with his best friend, a play date at the pool and lunch with other friends, a lunch date with daddy and some fun treats. This weekend we're hoping to make it to Chuck E. Cheese and take the boys to a movie (since the forecast has rain in it, bummer- we were hoping to go to a water park).

On top of all of that we've been brushing up on our knowledge from last year. We went over the kindergarten and first grade Dolch site words, of which he gets 90% right on the first time. Which I think is awesome. The ones he usually stumbles on are could, know, and who. All very tricky. Dumb English language. We've been working on our writing and reading as well.

Sadly it took us the end of summer to get to the library but the boys love picking out the new books. First we hit the army section, then the animals (usually sharks, wolves and other predator books are the priority), then the educational beginner reader books and then the random fun ones. It's funny they know right where to go first.

Jack doesn't start until after Labor Day, and while he's disappointed to not be getting a new back pack yet or know who his teacher is, I'm looking forward to getting some extra hang out time with him and I before he goes back. It's amazing how different he is without Josh around. And he hasn't gotten much time with just me since EvaKate came so I'm looking forward to getting to dote on him some like I did Josh this week.

We met his teacher this past week and she was nice. She has a 6 year old boy so she gets boys and it's always helpful when they can talk the "lingo". You know, bombs, guns, superheros and the like. I think what made us so excited about his new class is when we were checking his class list we bumped into his kindergarten teacher (who was great!) and she said if she could have picked classes for the kids, she would have chosen this teacher for Josh. That was enough for me to hear. Especially since she's more of an expert on my sons learning style after spending a year with him around his peers than I am.

It will be an interesting school year. We'll have two boys in school, we will be more familiar with the schedule routine and expectations, and Lord willing we won't be having any major deaths and for sure no births! I'm looking forward to being able to be more involved in the classes, and a bit more time when they get home to be more focused on homework and quality time. We'll see though, there is always the unexpected! Excited to get things started!