I say "vacation" because even though it's supposed to be one, every time we go to STL we always end up, sick (one or all of us, this time only Chris was spared), dealing with major family drama, not getting to do everything we wanted and coming home feeling like we need a vacation from our vacation.
This trip was no exception.
We are exhausted and trying to hit the ground running as usual. And also trying to lay down some rules for when we go back next time.
I think for me one of the most frustrating things about this trip was I let myself be manipulated and guilt tripped into doing things I didn't even want to do. I need to stand firm in what I want and what I want to make a priority no matter what any one else says or does. I have no one to blame for the regret other than myself.
This was especially hard since my two very best friends were in town and I only got a couple hours with each of them.
Plus it rained pretty much the ENTIRE time we were there. Canceling our plans to get pictures done.
That said...we did get some good family time. I got to see both my grandparents, and Chris got to see his grandparents (moms side) it was fun to watch all of them with EvaKate and make sure we had plenty of pictures. We also got to do a couple fun activities with Chris's side, which includes 6 kids 6 and under. It's crazy, but fun. We always joke we are a walking birth control add when we go out together.
I think for us one of the biggest blessings we got, somewhat unexpectedly was more time to grieve. Being separated from so many of the memories and spots sometimes makes it a little harder to grieve in quite the same way we would if we were home. I don't think either of us went up there expecting to get more of that or even realizing that we still have a lot more to go, it just kind of hit us.
Like on Sunday, we went to the church I grew up in, we were married in, and had Nancy's service in. We ended up on one of the front rows and after standing there for a few minutes it hit me the last time I had been there was staring at a casket. And then the tears came. About that time one of the songs played at her funeral came on as well. And then there was a flood, and sobs. But I had my husband on one side of me and my sister in law on the other, and we all just got to stand there for a moment, arms wrapped around one another, crying. United on this same crazy journey. We also had multiple people come up to us and tell us they were praying for our family this season. Such a blessing to know you are loved hundreds of miles away!
On Thanksgiving we all went out to the cemetery. I think most everyone else had been before, but this was our first time back since the funeral. Again, standing in the exact same spot where just months before we saw a casket being lowered just overwhelmed us with emotion. But it was good. It was nice to just have a moment to stand there and remember what was, and what has been lost and miss it, want it back, and then to trust Him and His plan. The boys said bye to GaGa as we left.
In some strange way I think grieving more freed us up a bit to be more open to the new woman. I know that phrasing sounds weird, but well...I think it's the best I can do. To know everyone is in this hard place of still hurting and yet needing to move forward and we are all doing it in different ways. Someone new doesn't mean the old is not missed or longed for. It's a hard and awkward journey we have to travel as a family. I pray that the Lord is going to do a great thing in the midst of it.
So that was our trip home. Some rules for next time: Go when there isn't a holiday. See a Cardinals game. Stay somewhere else. Do what we want to do, no matter what! Pour into those who pour into us. Eat more vegetables. Take our kids to the City Museum and Arch. Eat toasted ravioli and Ted Drewe's.
Now I'm off to fold the mounds of laundry resulting from the insanity.
