Girliness

I realize my baby girl is just over 2 months old. And we haven't cooked together, gone to a fancy restaurant, had tea parties or painted our toes together yet, and yet having a girl is everything I dreamed it would be. A part of me just feels more fulfilled...I'm not quite sure how to explain it.

I just get her. I know she's her own person and will have her own likes and dislikes and desires, but I know she wants to feel beautiful and special. I know she'll love twirling skirts and giggling. It really makes life easier. I won't have to guess if I'm telling her the right things and encouraging her in the right ways, she's a girl, and I get what drives girls. With the boys I can try and speculate, but I still feel like I'm guessing and completely clueless.

That said, my friend sent me this song. I love it. I think it speaks so much to the heart of women. I want to take some of the lyrics and make a cute print of them to hang on my bathroom wall as a reminder for me, and her bedroom wall.

As I was listening to it today I had her in my lap and was singing it to her, and I started to get it. When I look at her all I see is beauty. Nothing out of place, wrong or not quite right. Perfection. And that is what Jesus sees in me. Very hard for me to wrap my mind around it because all I see are faults, but He sees none of that, just beauty and perfection in what He created.

I hope that when she's 13 and 16 and 18 and after she has had a baby I can play this song for her and she can dwell in her beauty and be comfortable in her beauty and know that when her mama and Jesus look at her that is what we see despite all the things the world tells her to see. We see perfection in what we (mainly He) created.

Here's the video too. It's equally as awesome and tear inspiring.

Easter

Easter weekend. All right. Busy.

We have a ridiculous amount of things to do and get caught up on after the craziness of the last 2 months so we're playing catch up. And between baseball two nights a week, small group, worship practice and picking out songs and practicing for worship, we're a bit squeezed for family time let alone work time. So we played catch up on Saturday.

We missed Nancy a lot. Chris' quote form the weekend "I've decided it really sucks that my mom is dead." And that about sums it up.

Interesting after loosing two very dear women in my life the last year I've realized something most people don't about grief. It's not the right after that's hard. it's the 3-4 weeks after that it really hits and holidays. I know in the future I'm going to try to check in on people who have experienced a loss around those times, or drop by with some cupcakes or a meal for some encouragement.

The kids looked ridiculously handsome/adorable on Easter. Josh sang a song with his kids class and he got to sang a solo (he had also picked out the song), he totally rocked it! So proud of him! He didn't get scared at all and in fact everyone was laughing at his cuteness because he was acting like Mr. Cool Guy the whole time.

Both the boys got haircuts on Saturday, Jack got all of his cut off and he looked super handsome showing it off for everyone on Sunday.

EvaKate was as cute as can be in her first Easter dress, and we all wore pink in honor of her addition to the family. I'm glad to know we can spice things up in the future and not have all blue and yellow to look forward to!

The boys did an Easter egg hunt and dyed eggs in the afternoon. I wasn't even a huge candy person, and I remember at some point my aunt started putting money in the eggs. That was awesome. So I took $10 and broke it into $6 ones and $4 worth of quarters. The boys were most excited about their eggs with money, plus it will allow us to do a little Dave Ramsey training with saving, giving and spending. Plus I probably would have spent that on junk that got thrown away anyways. At least we'll get a lesson out of it this way and some will be saved and given to God before the rest goes to junk that I'll eventually throw away : )

The boys enjoyed the day and understand what it is and why we celebrate. In fact having Chris's mom gone almost gives them a deeper understanding of death and coming back to life now. It sure seems to take a lot of work though to make the day special and communicate all those things. We've spent the day today just recovering! Maybe someday they will appreciate all the work I put in making holidays specials, creating traditions and filling their tummies with good food on that day. Or maybe not : ) Jesus knows!

Hard

Today is a hard day. Actually it has been a hard week.

Arnold (Chris's dad) came down for the weekend, and I think that was our first full dose of reality. For the past 3 years most of the time we have spent with his parents has been here in GA, so it was very strange to have him here without her. We went some of the same places and did some of the same things as we did the last time with her. We both kept looking up expecting to see her some where.

Chris' birthday was this week, and it's hard not to think about your birthday without remembering the one who gave birth to you. She used to call him early in the morning on his birthday. It felt weird not having the phone call where we all chat that evening as well.

In general though it seems to be more of the every day little things that make it hard. Hearing the song played at her funeral on the radio, looking at mothers day cards, hearing Adventures in Odyssey come on the radio, the boys getting excited at a package in the mail (it wasn't for them and they were bummed, she used to send them stuff all the time...even when she couldn't go to the store anymore she would order stuff online for them), talking with a mom who home-schooled... it's all the little things that manages to make life seem dull and leave me crying in the middle of Target parking lot.

We just miss her.

I find it interesting how you don't realize just how big the impact someone has on your life until they are no longer in it. Even someone like your mom or mother in law.

Easter will be hard as well. We've celebrated it with them for the last several years, and Nancy and I would always dye eggs with the boys. I thought we would just paint eggs this year (since it's less mess and I didn't have the back up pair of hands) but Josh was on the verge of tears he was so upset we weren't doing the eggs in "the water".

It will also be strange to wake up by an alarm instead of a text that says "He is Risen," to which the expected reply was "He is Risen Indeed!"

So today on Good Friday the presence of death seems very real and painful and makes us that much more mindful of what Christ's death. Looking forward to the hope that we have in Sunday morning and that even though we grieve, we grieve as those who have hope in the resurrection and the knowledge that some day we will get to see her again.

Not sure how people get through this without Jesus.

2 months

Well Little Miss is 2 months old as of Friday.

Crazy how fast it's gone already. Especially with everything going on with Chris' mom, I feel like we've finally been able to really enjoy her in the last week or so. Which makes it extra hard that it's already slipping by. I want to hit pause.

I've decided that little girls are deliciousness bottled up. I cannot get enough of her. I find myself just sitting there staring at her cuteness. She's much more aware of voices and people than the boys were at this age. Her cries already have quite a bit of emotion in them as well. She's developed what Chris has dubbed the velociraptor cry which is kind of like a squeal and a cry combined. She's been cooing for awhile, but it's really only when you talk to her, it's like she's trying to talk back.

Having a baby girl is everything I dreamed it would be cuteness, sweetness and girliness.

She adores her big brothers, and often her smiles are doled out at their crazy antics to illicit just that. She doesn't grin very often but for the most part has a sweet smile that shows what looks to be dimples. She shows it off most often when someone is adoring her and telling her how pretty she is.

So far we are average in height (22 1/2 in) weight (just over 10 pounds) and our head measurements. First baby with an average head. Her favorite spot is on her changing table right by the lamp. She'll even scoot herself back to where her head is almost hanging off the edge trying to stare up into the light. She is fascinated with all lights, especially when paired with mirrors. She could stay in the bathroom all day long. She's a great eater and sleeper. We've been doing a minimum of 6 hours for the last week and a half and the last 5 have been 8 hour nights. She's sleeping in her bed. She looks gorgeous in anything she has on but red and pink seem to be especially stunning on her. She lets mommy dress her up however she wants even putting a bow on practically any time we leave the house. She only gets annoyed at them when she accidentally pulls them down over her eyes and then she does the velociraptor scream/cry until it is promptly removed. Thankfully she has two older brothers at her beck and call.

So that's the baby girl update.

Boys are doing great with all that has transpired in the last couple of months. It's been amazing how well they've rolled with the punches. After baseball wraps up we are hoping to get some good family time and let them be boys and praise them for their months of awesomeness.

We are so blessed to have such a great family!

I had big plans of writing a blog for each month of the first year of EvaKate's life talking about where she is and what she is doing.

Obviously that didn't happen for the first month.

Our lives have been flipped upside down in the last 6 weeks.

In the last six weeks we have had a baby, found out Chris's mom had advanced breast cancer and was admitted to the hospital, found out Chris's mom had passed away and attended her funeral on top of finding out we had termites.

It's been rough.

Hopefully one day I will get around to, or have time to talk about our precious baby girl.

But for now we are grieving. The loss of a great woman, and a great mom. I have an incredible husband and a great deal of that is because of the work his mother did. When Chris and I first met I was in a difficult place, full of transitions and challenges. She was such a blessing to me during that time and we formed a close friendship. She was one of the best grandma's (GaGa) I've ever seen.

I think that's one of the hardest parts. When I think about the kids growing up without her in their lives I break down. Those boys loved their GaGa. And she loved them. She was a very accessible grandma, one to never say no (unless mom and dad required it) and always willing to get in the floor and play or do something crazy. The only time I saw her tell the boys she couldn't do something was either at our request, or 6 weeks before she passed when she literally couldn't get off the couch to play with them. Even then she mustered every bit of strength she had to hold that light saver and play with them.

Praise the Lord EvaKate got to meet her, I'm so grateful we have a picture of them together. But it makes me so sad to know that they won't get to really know each other. I think they would have found so much joy in one anothers presence.

The boys are learning how to grieve as well. Josh can lay out the biblical timeline of when he'll get to see her again and where, but he misses her. He asked if he prayed and asked God to tell GaGa something if He would tell her for him. We were explaining to Jack (again) how GaGa was in heaven with Jesus, but he just looked up sadly and us and said "but that's really, really far." When we saw the body he said that was a different GaGa and he wanted the other one. We are trying to let them walk through their own grief process and support them through it. I feel like it's asking too much of them, but we can't change what is.

I no longer have a mother in law, my husband doesn't have a mom and my kids only have one grandma.

We're still processing, grieving and recovering from an exhausting trip.

There aren't even words for the loss and the hole that is left without her. I'm not sure if I'll write any more about it because it just takes so much to even process, and hurts to think about. Thankfully God does not bring death and loss without also providing new life. We are grateful for the new life we see coming in a couple of situations in our lives, but most thankful for that of sweet Eva.

He gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, blessed be the name!