Mission

I've been thinking a lot about mission and purpose recently.

Part of that is trying to figure out my own, and part of it is seeing how quickly and easily it can all become so skewed.

When I was in college I wanted to change the world for Christ. Go on mission trips, be in ministry, live boldly for God and his calling in everything I did.

When life called us to something a bit different than, at least I had expected, I felt that slip. All of a sudden I found myself playing the corporate wife to a very successful, on the rise financier, living in the suburbs in the south.

It's really hard to keep perspective in the suburbs. While my focus had once been social justice, outreach and missions, getting my hand dirty with the gospel and being noticeably different, I found myself very much fitting in.

Not that there is anything wrong with fitting in, I think in general God has given my husband and I that gift so we have a better ability to reach the lost, but blending in and not being set apart, I felt like was an issue.

I dress the same, act the same, live my life the same. I've started contemplating being room mom and on PTA, team mom for the baseball team, etc, etc. The generalized suburban housewife was what I was becoming. Not that any of that is inherently bad, but the purpose behind it is what was concerning.

See I had lost the goal of my mission. I figured for at least this period in life I couldn't be jetting off to other countries (and to a certain extent when you are pregnant or nursing, it does make it quite difficult). We weren't as connected with different organizations and outreach opportunities down here yet. Plus trying to manage that and 3 kids that you have all the time unless you are paying someone else to watch them proved defeating at the least. I basically considered myself temporarily useless for the cause. Or more importantly, in the way I had decided I wanted to live it out.

We as stay at home moms, I feel like, are extra sensitive to needing a "mission". Hopefully I'm not the only one who struggles with day after day remembering that raising your children is one of the biggest investments you'll ever make. Remembering that wiping that nose, or bum is somehow advancing the kingdom. Sometimes I'm just desperate to do something where I can see that I still have value beyond being a chef, chauffeur, or a maid. So we become room mom, have the best decorated house on the block, HOA president, best lawn, gourmet hostess, team mom, even throw ourself into every activity the church offers. Anything where we are able to use our talents and abilities and feel useful, appreciated and see results.

And while all of those things are not bad, they just aren't the goal, and won't ever completely fulfill us in the way the true mission can. I can fulfill the goal by being room mom, I just have to make sure my goal is rooted in the mission, not out of our inherent need for a mission finding an outlet.

The goal, The mission, is to be constantly living out the gospel and being an ambassador for Christ. I don't have to be overseas to do this. In fact, I'm probably NOT supposed to be, or else God would have us living there. The place He most wants me doing that is in my back yard, and my sons schools, in the grocery store I frequent, and to the other moms on the baseball team. Right. Where. I. Am. In what I do, every day.

When my eldest decides to be ugly to his brother for the hundredth time that day, it's having the time and patience to sit down and explain to him why he's doing that (sin) and reminding him he has freedom in Christ, and he's called to more. When the room mom calls last minute and asks me to make cupcakes for the teachers birthday (even though sugaring first graders up on her birthday seems like the opposite of a gift), it's serving her by taking one more thing off her plate and showing her I'm someone she can rely on and trust. When headed out to parent teacher conferences, bringing a fun drink and snack to help the teacher make it through the day and show her I care. After building a friendship with the other moms on the baseball team, not just giving empty responses to their struggles, but loving them and giving them Christ like wisdom and inviting them to church or sharing the gospel.

I think for the most part to women, these sort of things come some what naturally. We were created to be caring and nurturing, to foster relationships. We do this, for the most part, without thinking. But again, it's not just the action, but the intention we are concerned about. While I love my friends, I don't want to hang out just to have surface level conversation. I want to be encouraged in Christ, to be built up in His name when I'm struggling, to be reminded we are all sinful fools trying to figure out life.

Any relationship or responsibility not rooted in the gospel and it's mission will just leave us empty or wanting more.

It's not easy. I know I'm struggling. But I'd rather struggle in fulfillment and awareness than struggle feeling lost and empty.

"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus made me His own. Brothers (sisters!), I do not consider that I have already made it my own. But one things I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you."

Philippians 3:12-16

Worn out

Ok, so admittedly her 1 year update wasn't that great. I thought about re-writing it, but realized that wouldn't be real.

All of our kids are at difficult phases right now and we are a bit worn out from parenting in the trenches. Our easy kid seemed to over night turn into the one who is into everything and leaves a wake of disaster in her path.

That said, I think a lot of it is the 4 teeth she has coming in and some aggression from that. I felt like I was selling her a bit short in her 1 year post. Although exhausting, she is still sweet and snuggly, spunky and fun.

I did want to say that the past year with her has been such a gift.

We were talking about how hard the year has been and Chris pointed out that it's probably a blessing and relief that we are in the trenches of parenting right now to distract us from the chaos of change and loss.

I love that EvaKate's name means giver of life. It was our prayer for her that she would have the gift to bring life out of others with her personality, and it's such a gift that she has already lived up to her namesake. She was light in darkness, and her sweetness and snuggliness brought us life during a dark time.

She is still bringing life out of us, just in a more hurried sort of way :)

One years old!

It's here. My last baby is no longer a baby. It's made it harder since she's decided to overnight turn into a toddler. Impossible to hold, fit throwing, into everything sums her up right now. Not quite as much fun as my sweet snuggly baby.

Admittedly though, this is one of my least favorite phases. I feel like all you do during this time is say no and correct. Plus their vocabulary is so limited, you can't really communicate with them and explain. It's all about keeping them moving and entertained, and staying on sleep schedule. And you pretty much loose your social life since taking them out in public is a painful experience on all involved. She has 4 top teeth coming through so I'm secretly hoping there's just some pent up aggression from that...but I'm not hanging my hopes on it.

We had her birthday party this past weekend and it was fun. I went way more overboard for a birthday party than is normal, but it was my first daughters first birthday, so I did it and did it big. And hopefully got it out of my system, because as cute as it may have been, it's not worth it. She would have been just as content to sit in my lap and read and play for 2 hours. Meanwhile I'm spending countless hours running around making all kinds of paper crafts and snapping at everyone in my rush. Hopefully I'll remember to tone it down next time.

Now for the rundown:

• 20 pounds 2 ounces (girl has chunked up, no more 10% for her!) we were up to the 55%! Although all of the kids have always chunked up quite a bit before walking and then slimmed down significantly, so we're expecting her to drop in percentile again. Doc isn't worried, just said she's petite.
• 28 inches long, 11% in height. Did I mention she's petite? Gonna be a shorty like her mama
• 64% head. Still smaller than her brothers. We're just a big domed family.
• Pulling up on everything, chairs, couches, the toilet, my pants leg...she'll take assisted steps but not standing on her own or unassisted steps yet. Hopefully soon!
• She's crawling super fast, and wants to do it all the time, which is very inconvenient when you are trying to hold her in a place where she can't crawl around. Like the mall, or a restroom, or a restaurant, or a doctors office...pretty much anywhere other than home.
• She's into everything. Opening drawers and cabinets, pulling out their contents, pulling all the books off their shelves...it's baby proofing time.
• She jabbers all the time. Says dada and daddy, up, yes, a few others which we think are words but may be us reading into them
• She signs more and done while eating. Her appetite has decreased but her thirst has increased. Girls loves her some water!
• She's getting pickier on foods, and will flat out refuse some.
• She still loves baths, and when I put her in the shower with me she will crawl directly under it and let it run over her head. She's going to be our water bug.
• We got her a play kitchen for her birthday and she loves it. Especially when her brothers are home and "cook" for her.
• She's started hitting, especially when told no. She also is throwing fits along with the hitting when told no.

Even though she's been a bit of a pistol lately, she is still very sweet. She gets so excited to play with us and he brothers, and she has a ton of energy. She loves shoes and to play with clothes, so I'm still hoping I got the perfect girl mix of someone who is fun and can play, but also someone who can be girly as well. We will see. It's fun to see more of her personality coming out, even if what is showing proves to be strong willed. We've already gotten one of those through the toddler stage and survived. May be extra exhausting, but she's worth it!