Tis the Season

To be jolly.

Except we're not.

In all honesty, the last week has really sucked and been hard. The absence of Nancy right now is palpable.

This time last year was the beginning of the end. And we knew. She called to tell us that she wasn't going to be able to come down for Christmas as she was feeling too bad. And while it wasn't beyond my mother in law to say something like that to make sure she was really wanted, she never would have missed such a memory filled time with her grandchildren. Ever. Unless something was really wrong. And it was. We knew.

So we're questioning (should we have gone up to STL for Christmas even though I was 8 months pregnant, should we have confronted her sooner, should we have stayed in STL longer when we went up after EvaKate was born.....), and doubting, missing and praying.

Tomorrow is her birthday. We'll be having german chocolate cake for Christmas as it was always around this time of year. It was her favorite, I always made it for her. New Years is their anniversary. She never doubted moving up their wedding date so they could be married sooner, even if it was on an odd day.

It's just going to be our little family this year. No one's coming to visit. Not for lack of invites, just...different priorities.

But we're trying to put on our game face. It's time to impress upon the kids the reason why we celebrate, and it's EvaKate's first Christmas. I HATE that so many of her firsts are intertwined with sorrow.

We're also waiting on what could potentially be more bad news for another immediate family member. I think if I hear the word cancer one more time in the next year I'm going to vomit.

So even though when we look around right now all we see is pain, and suffering and sadness, it makes it that much bigger of a deal that Christ CHOSE to walk into this. Not only did He choose it, but He did so with a rescue plan. So that even though all we see is broken we have the hope that it won't always be. We have hope. Come, Jesus!

10 months

10 months. 2 from being 1. Every time I start to get upset about how fast it's going by and wanting to slow it down, I just have to hang out with her and then I'm good. It's so much fun to see her little personality coming out! And as squirmy as she is, it's also a really fun age. Here are some of the highlights:

• She's crawling. Still not with the most grace, but she'll get up on all fours and interchanging between that position and army crawling she gets where she wants
• She's making noises that sounds more and more like words. Like Jack, Josh, more and mama. She's got dada and daddy down. She jabbers all the time.
• She is still eating us out of house and home. She loves food. It's so funny to watch her get so excited about it, and then after each bite watch her wave her arms around and smile.
• She loves to point, and also stick her hands up in the air with both index fingers up like she's saying "I'm number 1!"
• If you ask her for a kiss, she'll give you kisses. Mind you it's open mouth, but they're super sweet (and slobbery)!
• She chews on anything she can get
• She loves baths and can now sit in the bathtub on her own. She's even ok with the water going over her head and on her face.

She's just so interactive! Christmas is going to be a blast with her and she's already itching to get to all the presents!

Lost tooth

So I think with all the craziness of travels I didn't update that Josh lost his first tooth. Literally.

The week before Thanksgiving he was at school and I guess he was sliding down a slide and (his story coming into play now) at the bottom some kid punched him in the mouth and then kicked him in the leg. When the kid punched him his tooth came out, and his mouth was bleeding. With all the blood Josh and the teacher forgot to look for his first lost tooth.

I think it's a bit more likely that Josh slid into the kid and some sort of accidental hitting took place, but who knows, he is a 6 year old boy who plays like one and his lip was swollen and slightly cut.

When I got called (since when you go to the clinic your mom gets called) and they told me his tooth was lost, I won't lie I wanted to cry a bit. This is my firstborns first lost tooth and you're telling me you lost it? Well let's go find it!!! And really, if I would have had EK and Jack tired and in the car, we probably would have been out on the playground searching through mulch. Because it's a big freaking deal people! For him and for me.

Thankfully not pushing Santa gives me a pass with the tooth fairy. My kids too smart and assumed I was she. While I neither confirmed or denied his theory, I didn't really have to. But I love that he has those deduction skills. So even though he didn't have a tooth to put in it he got out the tooth pillow (with a little pocket in it and everything) my grandma had made for him years ago (I hope that I plan that well before my death, what a gift to those mourning your loss, so many sweet reminders!) and put it by his pillow. He woke up in the morning with a $5 bill. First lost tooth bonus. Plus it was kind of a traumatic event. It will only be $1 going forward, maybe $.50 if Jack start overlapping him.

He's been having some really good weeks at school too. Seems like he has finally hit his stride. In December. Better late than never!

He also had (in my mind) a very big first this week. He was finally allowed to watch the first Harry Potter. He loves it, and I love that he loves it. He keeps asking me a ton of questions trying to figure out all the mysteries. I love his thirst for understanding. I also love getting to explain to him all the parallels to how Harry is like Jesus and Voldemort is like Satan. What a gift that every story echoes that of our Savior and gives us so many opportunities to give examples of and see different interpretations of what His love for us looks like!

To make up for my oldests streak of awesomeness, Jack has been being a pill. There's always one kid (if not two) that are in a phase it seems like. Jack has just been being super whiny and slow (the kid takes forever to do anything that involves movement) and unwilling to try to do most things by himself. I think he's going through a growth spurt and being his first year of preschool constantly fighting something off which would explain most of it, but I'm kind of ready for it to be over.

EvaKate is doing great, getting more teeth in, but I will be updating more on her next week as she turns (gulp) 10 months. They just grow up too darn fast!

"Vacation"

We just got back from our "vacation" to STL for Thanksgiving.

I say "vacation" because even though it's supposed to be one, every time we go to STL we always end up, sick (one or all of us, this time only Chris was spared), dealing with major family drama, not getting to do everything we wanted and coming home feeling like we need a vacation from our vacation.

This trip was no exception.

We are exhausted and trying to hit the ground running as usual. And also trying to lay down some rules for when we go back next time.

I think for me one of the most frustrating things about this trip was I let myself be manipulated and guilt tripped into doing things I didn't even want to do. I need to stand firm in what I want and what I want to make a priority no matter what any one else says or does. I have no one to blame for the regret other than myself.

This was especially hard since my two very best friends were in town and I only got a couple hours with each of them.

Plus it rained pretty much the ENTIRE time we were there. Canceling our plans to get pictures done.

That said...we did get some good family time. I got to see both my grandparents, and Chris got to see his grandparents (moms side) it was fun to watch all of them with EvaKate and make sure we had plenty of pictures. We also got to do a couple fun activities with Chris's side, which includes 6 kids 6 and under. It's crazy, but fun. We always joke we are a walking birth control add when we go out together.

I think for us one of the biggest blessings we got, somewhat unexpectedly was more time to grieve. Being separated from so many of the memories and spots sometimes makes it a little harder to grieve in quite the same way we would if we were home. I don't think either of us went up there expecting to get more of that or even realizing that we still have a lot more to go, it just kind of hit us.

Like on Sunday, we went to the church I grew up in, we were married in, and had Nancy's service in. We ended up on one of the front rows and after standing there for a few minutes it hit me the last time I had been there was staring at a casket. And then the tears came. About that time one of the songs played at her funeral came on as well. And then there was a flood, and sobs. But I had my husband on one side of me and my sister in law on the other, and we all just got to stand there for a moment, arms wrapped around one another, crying. United on this same crazy journey. We also had multiple people come up to us and tell us they were praying for our family this season. Such a blessing to know you are loved hundreds of miles away!

On Thanksgiving we all went out to the cemetery. I think most everyone else had been before, but this was our first time back since the funeral. Again, standing in the exact same spot where just months before we saw a casket being lowered just overwhelmed us with emotion. But it was good. It was nice to just have a moment to stand there and remember what was, and what has been lost and miss it, want it back, and then to trust Him and His plan. The boys said bye to GaGa as we left.

In some strange way I think grieving more freed us up a bit to be more open to the new woman. I know that phrasing sounds weird, but well...I think it's the best I can do. To know everyone is in this hard place of still hurting and yet needing to move forward and we are all doing it in different ways. Someone new doesn't mean the old is not missed or longed for. It's a hard and awkward journey we have to travel as a family. I pray that the Lord is going to do a great thing in the midst of it.

So that was our trip home. Some rules for next time: Go when there isn't a holiday. See a Cardinals game. Stay somewhere else. Do what we want to do, no matter what! Pour into those who pour into us. Eat more vegetables. Take our kids to the City Museum and Arch. Eat toasted ravioli and Ted Drewe's.

Now I'm off to fold the mounds of laundry resulting from the insanity.

9 months

Wow. In the last month the girl has decided to get busy! She's growing so much and acting like her own little person now. Which is super fun to watch.

This months she is:

• Refusing baby purees and preferring all table food. And even if she's just eating, if she sees us eating she yells at us until we give her some
• Cheerios are consuming my life, and hers
• She's a messy eater now. I thought that was just a boy thing :(
• She army crawls when she wants something, but is pretty chill about crawling. As am I!
• She claps
• She waves hi and bye
• She says Daddy and dada, and will reach for him. This action was previously reserved just for me, but now he gets preferred treatment as well
• She'll stand up holding something for a bit.
• Holding her is like trying to hold a monkey, she is everywhere.
• Loves to grab EVERYTHING, and then place it directly in her mouth
• Jabbers all the time now and says little words that sound like mama and bubba (brother)
• Squeals with delight when seeing her brothers come home from school or in the morning
• Loves PB&J
• She throw little fits or gets an attitude when told no or not getting her way
• Is the size of a 6 month old, 10th percentile in weight and 25 percentile in height
• Weighs 15 pounds and 9 ounces

Tough Stuff

It was a hard weekend for our family.

In a lot of ways I feel we are entering a new season where everything is unknown. We usually experience this about every 3 years just in the form of moving. Now we are living in the same spot but everything around us seems to be changing.

I think I would rather move.

This was Chris's last Sunday leading worship at the church plant we've been involved with. It was a decision that was a long time in the making and one that will honestly let us all breathe a sigh of relief for awhile.

While I'll miss seeing him get to play, and at times I know he'll miss it as well we have just been so overwhelmed in the last year. When the gig first started we had two preschool age kids and a fully functioning complete family. Obviously all of that has changed in the last year.

Josh is in school which is a very different schedule than the more laid back easy going preschool life. I have limited time with him and it's filled with homework and reading, or rushing out to baseball practice, games or small group.

We also added a child and lost Chris's mom, both of which have had major impacts in their own way.

And not to brag, but that husband of mine...he's kind of a big deal, closing deals and chatting with VP's. He has a lot of responsibility at work and puts in 50-60 hours each week. And he rocks it out. The big bosses adore him and want him to play golf with them. But that's a lot of work, and pressure and a lot for his brain to keep up with.

Then to try to pick out songs, practice, talk to and meet with all the people interested in playing, get the songs to the tech people and spend half of his Sundays at church (as well as show up at small group and help coach baseball)...it was just too much. There was no way he could keep up. And I was trying to manage everything at home and pick up the slack while he was trying to keep up. Which left both of us exhausted and drained and with little to no time for each other, and that only works for so long.

So that door is closed with quite a bit of peace and answer to long prayed prayers that went along with it.

Chris's dad also came down this weekend. With a new "friend". I still don't even really have words other than to just say it was hard. Mainly because every bit of it was a reminder of what no longer is. Our family won't ever be the same. And we miss her horribly.

I have no idea what is in store for the typically dependable side of the family. I know there are a lot more conversations and prayer that's taking place both between Chris and I and in general.

I know God has a plan for us. I repeat that to myself a lot. I KNOW GOD HAS A PLAN FOR US. I know He is loving and merciful and good and is doing a great work. But right now I feel like we are running off the memory and the promise of that then the current state of feeling. And we're all weary and ready to see His face and a glimpse of his plan.

Growing

So I know I only usually update every months for EvaKate, but the last couple weeks have been filled with so many firsts.

It seems like in the last week + she has become her own little person. Our two front teeth have officially cut through, we are crawling, and we say dada to our daddy, and something that sounds like bubba to our brothers.

She also just looks bigger, like she overnight shot up a couple of inches.

Not to mention her personality is bursting forth. She laughs, oh how she laughs! She has a wonderful laugh that she uses quite liberally on all of her favorite people. She loves to play games, especially peek a boo, or daddies silly version of it. She tries to grab the spoon from me when I am feeding her, and yells at me to feed her, especially MY food. The girl is so ready for big girl food. She laughs at me when I tell her no.

This girl of ours is a constant reminder of God's mercy and blessing in our lives and she has bewitched us all with her soft sweetness.

8 months

I feel like we have had a lot of firsts this month! So here is the rundown:

• Her personality is really coming out. She laughs a lot, and she laughs when you tell her no...like she knows exactly what she's doing
• She waves hi and bye
• Not only does she wave but she does it just with us telling her to "say hi" no motions included. By verbal command.
• She says "dada" to him. Not regularly or all the time, you can tell she's still figuring it out, but she says it.
• She only says "mama" now when she cries.
• She had her first major sickness (just a bad cold) which resulted in her first
• Double ear infection, which she handled like a champ
• Has started eating actual solids. Puffs, cheerios, cooked peas. The girl is ready for more serious food. She is constantly trying to grab mine out of my mouth!
• She loves swinging at the park and laughs when she is pushed higher
• She's started having separation anxiety at church. If you give her food she usually calms down. Eventually. It's one of the only times I've seen her cry that hard.
• She adores her brothers and squeals with delight at them and rolls over to play with them.
• She still loves to just roll around the floor.
• Her favorite toy is a rattle
• She loves her daddy. It's been really sweet to watch them the last month as they've gotten really close. She gets so excited when he comes home.

I think that's the gist of it. This is such a fun age. She's very interactive and happy. It is getting a bit harder to go out with her since she always wants to be moving, or eating, which makes it quite hard for me to eat. But it's a small setback compared to how much fun she is the rest of the time! Love that baby girl so much!!!

Boys

Here is a glimpse of where the boys are at since they are less frequently updated on.

Josh: He is getting ready to play in his second baseball tournament of where his team is ranked first. He's been playing great, getting outs, catching the ball, covering the bases, backing people up, and he hit at least a single off coach pitch every single time he's up to bat.

School is still hit and miss. While he's really smart, he gets bored easily and tries to skate by when he can instead of doing his best. He will have a great week and then turn around and have a really bad week behavior wise. We can't seem to figure out what makes the difference other than he likes things very structured and it throws him off when that is out of whack. We are just trying to stay consistent.

He is very witty, which in general is a good thing, but when it comes to snippy come backs to his mom, dad or brother...not so good. When he's not using it in a derogatory way he is hilarious.

The kid is friends with EVERYONE. Everywhere we go he always knows someone or is friend with someone before we leave. I love his outgoing and friendly nature.

He is so sweet and gentle with his sister. He is always telling her how pretty she is, saying hi to her and playing with her when she gets up from naps and when he gets home. He is very patient and loving with her. I pray that someday he will treat his wife in some of the same ways.

Jack: It's been interesting to watch him change in the last month or so since starting preschool. While he still has more shy tendencies, he is getting bolder and bolder. Especially when I'm not around. He has lots of friends at school and even has almost gotten in to trouble at school.

He is very active right now, often literally running laps inside the house or jumping off the furniture doing "back flips". He is very ready to play baseball like his big brother but not quite old enough. However he loves to hang out with the big baseball boys and will often stand by the dugout and chat with his brother or sit by him during snack.

Jack is sweet and kind and funny. Both the boys inherited their fathers sense of humor. Jack is very aware of other peoples feelings and wants to try to help whenever possible. He is super sweet to his sister as well. He calls her EvaKatie buggie.

Their favorite thing to do right now is to go to our favorite park and take the walking trail. From there they love to go in the forest and find sticks to be guns, light savers, or swords....depending on if they are army guys, Jedi's, or kings of Narnia. I love their imaginations and how they are already natural warriors, wanting to protect and defeat the bad guys.

They are crazy, busy, messy, destructive and wild. But I love those boys. And I love that they will either outgrow those things or those attributes are what will make them great men of God. So I'm trying to enjoy seeing fingerprints all over my white doors and enjoy the reminder of their presence instead of getting frustrated I have something else to clean.

"E" Day

While Jack is a preschool superstar with two green weeks in a row, our more outgoing, talkative and squirmy oldest has a bit more difficulty having good days. Especially putting together a run of them.

This week Josh had 4 "E" days! E stands for excellent. This is a really big deal for him. We wanted to make sure he knew how big a deal this was and to go above and beyond in praising him. So the boys got to have a weekend of fun.

Saturday Josh had a game in the morning, in the afternoon we headed over to Suwanee Days where they got fair food and lots of inflatable fun. Then we took them out to Panera (one of their favorites) and they got chocolate chip cookies. Sunday we took them to see their first ever 3D movie, The Lion King along with popcorn, coke and m&m's. Josh also got to rent a video game for Wii for the weekend.

Hopefully it inspires him to be extra diligent about his behavior. And if not, at least our bank account will get a break next weekend :)

7 months

Seven Months as of Thursday. I was in an accident last week so we are still trying to get back on schedule after that day of fun and now adding almost daily chiropractor visits to the schedule, so we're a bit behind again.

No doctor check ups so I'm not sure about height and weight, although I know she seems long and tiny to me. I'm also very pleased that she is FINALLY fitting into all the cute shoes we bought her before she was born. We bought her size 1 shoes, because it's practically impossible to find size 0 shoes, and the boys always had bigger feet. Well at 7 months (and thankfully when the weather is cooling down a bit) all her cute boots and flats are fitting. The girl is just petite all around. Her 3-6 month pants are a bit big on her.

Although she is in such a fun age (all be it the squirmy it's like holding a monkey phase) with her jabbering and interacting, and I cannot wait to see more of her personality come out part of me wants to keep her a tiny baby forever.

She is just so sweet. She smiles at everyone and is always happy. Even though she likes to move she will still lay her head on me and snuggle up, often times even falling asleep on me. I wish I could freeze the look she give me as well. She just looks up at me with those beautiful dark eyes with such adoration. She seems to think I'm it. Even though she adores her daddy and loves hanging with him, if I walk away she's looking around for me.

I know someday we will hit a difficult phase. Chris thinks I'm being dramatic, but I know it's just part of mother-daughter relationships. I know I'll have a door slammed on me at some point and our relationship will be strained. I'm trying to freeze the sweet look of adoration she gives me in my head for that moment. Remembering that even then when she's proclaiming her dislike for me, she needs me, and even if she won't say it, in some way she still adores me and needs me to be her mom. Someone to guide her and protect her and love her despite the yelling and moodiness.

On to the milestones.

• We have two teeth that should be busting out at any point. Come on teeth!
• We jabber. And squeal with excitement. Particularly at her three favorite boys (brothers and dad)
• She has now said "mama" and "dada" in solicited form instead of a string of jabbering. Very close to calling for us.
• She's started to get very ticklish
• We do a slight army crawl when we get desperate
• She really likes food, and is constantly trying to grab mine whenever I am holding her
• She's learned to drink from a sippy, but just the big kid kind she sees brother drinking from
• The closest she gets to throwing a fit occurs when she is put into her car seat. She just kind of whines for a minute. I think this is mainly because we practically live in the car. I kind of resent it as well.
• The girl loves cords. She loves to roll to them. Speaker cords, lamp cords, Wii cords...anything she can get to.

I think that's the gist of the new stuff. Snuggly and sweet EvaKate.

School Drama

He survived the week. Not only did he survive, he did great.

I'm learning to not put expectations or assumptions on my children. I totally thought Jack was going to have a rough week and it was going to be a traumatic transition for him. I couldn't have been more wrong. He was SO ready.

He had a green week all three days. While some families may think "yeah, of course, what else is there?" We haven't gotten to see too many of those with our oldest (whose kinesthetic learning tendencies and very strong verbal skills aren't always recognized as that by the school system), and we think those green stickers are a pretty big deal.

This has however made for some interesting dynamics between the boys. Jack always asks Josh what he got when he gets in the car, and enjoys telling Josh he got a green day and "it's not that hard, you just have to try your best." Needless to say my oldest does not take very well to having his little brother out do him, let alone telling him it's "easy."

While Jack has been doing wonderfully it's been a really hard week for me. I keep going back and forth between being upset I'm one step closer to an empty house and feeling overwhelmed wondering how the heck I'm going to survive until they are out of the house.

As much as I had hoped having Jack in preschool would make me have a ton of time, so far it's done the opposite. I have to drop Josh off at 8, come home and get Jack and myself ready, drop him off at 9:20, feed EvaKate, run any errands, or go to bible study or exercise, get myself and EvaKate fed again, pick Jack up at 1:20 come home and try to let my sleep deprived daughter get about 40 minutes of sleep before throwing her in the car to go pick up my oldest. So far my daughter is not getting enough sleep and I feel like I have less time. We'll see how the next week or so progresses, but we may have to make some changes.

We've also been really struggling with what to do about Josh. The kid is a talker. Shocking I know. He also is very smart and very active, all of which combined together doesn't thrive so well in the public school system.

Getting "E" days are a rarity, and more often we are getting notes sent home about how he's talking, reading books during social studies, not sitting still, etc. Often he'll even get in trouble for talking at lunch. Seriously? As a mom I need to support the school and it's rules and for the most part I understand them. But it's really hard when I don't feel like what Josh did was bad or wrong but simply them enforcing crowd control. There are no easy options. Homeschool isn't a perfect fix by any means and honestly is not an area where I'm very gifted in. Chris knows the downsides to homeschooling and I know the downsides to public school. And we don't even see the point in paying thousands upon thousands of dollars for our kid to go to a private school and have the same issues.

We've literally tried every disciplinary and reward tactic we know, we've talked to professionals (I love having a childhood counselor as a friend!) and taken their advice, all without much luck. The common theme: consistency and perseverance. But that is really hard, and defeating. We are doing the best we know how and trying to balance encouragement and praise in with the discipline. I feel inadequate and am having my first experience of really having to fully trust Christ with my children and their hearts. I can't make Josh obey, or want to obey. He has to want to and the Holy Spirit will have to help him.

Parenthood sure increases your prayer life!

Day In Review

He survived. I survived. My daughter is too quiet.

He did wonderfully. His teacher said he was great and she is really looking forward to having him in class.

Of course he did. He is the epitome of kindness.

We called daddy to tell him how we did. Jack said "I tried my best". He did too, he even told us he told the teacher yes ma'am.

I'm pretty sure my kid just aged a year in one day.

My heart feels worn down by all the letting go I'm having to do that I'm not ready for.

First day of Preschool

My baby boy just headed out the door for preschool. My shy, reserved (unless his brother is around) little man just walked straight into preschool like such a big boy. What a champ.

I'm so proud of him, I know it's such a big step for him, doing something on his own.

Me on the other hand, I'm a bit of a mess.

I thought after the first one leaving for school it would get easier. However each one that leaves is a reminder of how much closer I am to having an empty house and how quickly parenthood and these precious years are slipping by.

Homeschooling seems like a really good option today.

Hope he has a better day than I am!

6 months

Well not only have we been a bit pre-occupied with funerals and traveling arrangements, I've been delaying writing this. I just don't want to have to think about the fact that her first year is already halfway over. It goes by way too fast. Thankfully she's started doing some ridiculously cute things to make it a little easier. So here is where she's at:

• She is just under 26 inches and is 53% in height
• Only 41% in her head circumference. Still shocking to me after the boys averaging 90% each visit
• 14 pounds and 3 oz, putting her in the 15% of weight. Apparently her activeness and my healthy eating attempts is not lending itself to cute baby rolls.
• She will say "mama" and "dada" not necessarily to us, just babbling. But she says it none the less. And we affirm it like crazy!
• She can get anything she wants. Between rolling everywhere and being able to turn herself in circles she's pretty much fully mobile. Thankfully she's pretty chill so doesn't go after every little thing on the floor. Never the less the legos are about to be banned to the boys bedroom.
• She can sit up. Not very steady and will still forget what she's doing and just leans back, but with a boppy she's good. She gets bored with it though because her aforementioned mobility is much more rewarding than sitting.
• One of my favorite things she does is wrap her arms around me when I pick her up and kind of bury her face into my hair and neck. It's her version of snuggling I think.
• Nursing is interesting these days because she wants to check out everything that is going on. And she forgets the food is not portable, despite her attempts at making it so.
• She loves food and will eat the equivalent of two baby food jars at each feeding and she's eating solids twice a day. That 4 jars of baby food in one day. Good thing I can make that stuff myself. And our grocery store runs really good specials on it. ($.41 per jar of organic baby food! I can't make it for that!)
• She refuses anything green unless it's mixed with fruit. No matter how hungry she is.
• She's so easy going and has slid right into the hectic school schedule. She'll even let me get her up and put her in the car in the morning without feeding her until we get back home! She also naps just about whenever.
• She grabs everything. If I'm holding her at dinner I have to hold her an arms length away or else she knows to grab the placemat the pull the food and drink towards her. She also will grab my earrings and hair but somehow seems to know to be gentle with both.
• She grins when daddy comes home.
• She "talks" to you when you're talking to her.
• She adores her brothers and laughs for them
• She loves baths and kick like crazy usually covering me and the rest of the bathroom
• Some nights she tries to stay awake a little longer just to get some time with mommy and daddy just by herself (which we are typically thrilled to indulge). Even if I just lay her in her crib wide awake though she'll just fall asleep on her own, not a peep.
• She got shots today, (I know, I changed my mind, mainly because our doc is so incredible, it's hard work being a parent and making tough decision. No ones got it all right or figured out.) the boys both would always look at me with the "why did you do this to me" look and then scream at me. She barely cried, and it wasn't screaming. Not much of a look either. She's SO good.

So that's where we're at. I'm sure at some point in her life it will be evident to me that she is a sinful imperfect being just like all of us. However right now she still just seems so perfect. I would be thrilled to do nothing more in a day than just play and snuggle with her. I'm excited about getting some more of that when Jack starts school soon. It's hard to get much of that time with the boys around. She's the most easy going so she's usually the one who gets the least attention. Those crazy boys!

I was remembering the other day what we went through getting pregnant with her and how much she was prayed for and over in my belly. She is such a gift and blessing and I am so grateful for my little princess!

Tough Stuff

My poor daughter. So much of the first year of her life and her milestones are intertwined with bad news, death and mourning.

EvaKate is 6 months old today. And the post for that will have to wait until another day.

Today is a hard day. We've gotten news that Chris's grandpa (Arnold's dad) has been sent home given a couple days to live at best.

There has just been way too much death.

Josh got sent home with a project where he has to include 5-7 items that create strong memories for him. Between this and cleaning out a closet I have had several reminders of the loss our families have encountered in the last year and a half.

A picture of my grandpa looking all dapper in his pink tie at our wedding, a card for Josh's 1st birthday from Nancy calling him her "Joshy Buddy Rascal", a container of English bath soaps my grandma always had in her bathrooms that she had given me...it's just all been a lot.

One of the hardest parts was having Josh pick out things that induce strong memories (mainly pictures) and him including one of Nancy's funeral. I hate that my kid strongly remembers death and loss at age 6. How do you help a 6 year old process grief when you are still so new to it yourself?

Our family could use some prayer. We could use a bit of an emotional break, and some joy. More than anything though we need the Lord's presence and the peace, comfort and wisdom only He can bestow.

Mama

Well it's official, EvaKate said her first word today! And after two boys who both said dada first, I am very proud to announce that my daughters first word was mama.

Mind you she usually only does it when she's fussing, and I'm not sure she connects that it's me she's calling just yet (although she does seem to associate it with me) she has said it, repeatedly. Throughout the day. So. it. counts.

I took a meal (putting it lightly, having been a first time mom and enjoying cooking I usually bring more like a meal, a couple lunches, breakfast and snack...it's one of the ways I serve) to a friend today who is doing mommyhood for the first time. That and a post I saw about what you would tell your pregnant self had me thinking a bit...what advice would I give?

Where to begin would be the better question. At 21 I barely knew myself let alone how to be responsible for another human being. I was the first of my friends by at least 3 years to have kids as well. No one, and I mean no one on my radar had children in the past 20 years, or ever. Even then the internet was not like what it is now where I would have had some sort of online information source on how to do it all.

I remember one of my best friends moms (who is one of the wisest women I know and adore, and wish I could be mentored by except for that whole other state business) telling me life would never be the same. I remember getting in the car after hearing that and telling Chris I didn't think that was true and I didn't want parenthood to totally change us and who we are. Someone should have smacked that proud naive girl upside the head.

All that said, I think I would have told myself that it will be the hardest most selfless thing you will ever do. But it is so worth it. Sometimes you won't think so, you'll feel like you're failing and you can't do it. You can't. Not without God. And some days will be survived by his grace alone. And it does take a village, at least one supporting you in the most difficult job ever. Find a village, and plug in. You need people, who have been there, who are there, who can tell you you'll make it, and so will your child, someone who you can escape with for a few hours. Before you know it the days of exhaustion will diminish and you'll see then end in sight. And then you will want it all back. Drink it in. Take lots of mental pictures. Snuggle every chance you get. Say yes more than you say no, or wait a minute. Because motherhood is the hardest most selfless thing you will ever have to do. You love something with all of your being, pour all of your thoughts, focus and energy into growing something and then you have to let it go. Did I mention you needed God?

That's what I would say. And why I'm extra sentimental about that sweet gummy mouth being able to say "mama" today and even more excited that I'm the one she's talking to.

First Grade

Well this past week has been our last week of summer.

As typical it's bittersweet. I'll be honest...I am so. ready. for him to go back to school. The talkback, bickering and attitude has been at an all time high. If I didn't know any better I'd say I was living with a teenager!

That said, I know as soon as he goes back I'm going to miss him. Especially once baseball starts, it seems like we get a lot less time together as a family.

We've done a bunch of fun stuff this week (on top of school supply and clothes shopping) getting ready for the return to school. We've been to the library twice, had a play date in the sprinkler with his best friend, a play date at the pool and lunch with other friends, a lunch date with daddy and some fun treats. This weekend we're hoping to make it to Chuck E. Cheese and take the boys to a movie (since the forecast has rain in it, bummer- we were hoping to go to a water park).

On top of all of that we've been brushing up on our knowledge from last year. We went over the kindergarten and first grade Dolch site words, of which he gets 90% right on the first time. Which I think is awesome. The ones he usually stumbles on are could, know, and who. All very tricky. Dumb English language. We've been working on our writing and reading as well.

Sadly it took us the end of summer to get to the library but the boys love picking out the new books. First we hit the army section, then the animals (usually sharks, wolves and other predator books are the priority), then the educational beginner reader books and then the random fun ones. It's funny they know right where to go first.

Jack doesn't start until after Labor Day, and while he's disappointed to not be getting a new back pack yet or know who his teacher is, I'm looking forward to getting some extra hang out time with him and I before he goes back. It's amazing how different he is without Josh around. And he hasn't gotten much time with just me since EvaKate came so I'm looking forward to getting to dote on him some like I did Josh this week.

We met his teacher this past week and she was nice. She has a 6 year old boy so she gets boys and it's always helpful when they can talk the "lingo". You know, bombs, guns, superheros and the like. I think what made us so excited about his new class is when we were checking his class list we bumped into his kindergarten teacher (who was great!) and she said if she could have picked classes for the kids, she would have chosen this teacher for Josh. That was enough for me to hear. Especially since she's more of an expert on my sons learning style after spending a year with him around his peers than I am.

It will be an interesting school year. We'll have two boys in school, we will be more familiar with the schedule routine and expectations, and Lord willing we won't be having any major deaths and for sure no births! I'm looking forward to being able to be more involved in the classes, and a bit more time when they get home to be more focused on homework and quality time. We'll see though, there is always the unexpected! Excited to get things started!

Seasons Change

I detest sorting through the kids clothes each season. Sorting out what gets given away, is too small for both of them, doesn't work, is too holey...not only is it a rather lackluster procedure but it's just another reminder of how big they are getting.

And now for the first time I have had to do it with EvaKate. I found myself brimming with tears staring at a pair of white pajamas with pink butterflies remembering her wearing them just after coming home while the boys held her for one of the first times.

Funny how at times parenthood seems to drag by at times and you wonder if you really will be changing diapers for the rest of your life or stepping on another lego. Then other times you look up and it seems as if you just started the insane journey and six years have flown by.

Sometimes I breathe a sigh of relief at the idea of being done with diaper changing and making regular appearances at the movie theater once again. And other times I want to break down into tears at the thought of it beginning to end and do crazy things like have more children, knowing I would be immersed in the same types of emotion after that one.

Letting go isn't easy, but whether I do it or not my kiddos are growing up.

5 months

I'm 10 days late again... although I have a really great excuse this time: vacation.

Plus I really don't want to think about the fact that she's 5 months. Because that means she's 1 month from being half way done with being a baby. And I'm not ready for that.

I know I've gushed about how amazing she is (and probably somewhat annoyingly to some of you, I promise I had one very tough baby already!), but seriously I can't get over it.

She's is breathtakingly beautiful, happy, friendly, snuggly, sweet, a great sleeper and eater, and yet shows a fun and feisty side. I cannot wait to see the woman she grows into (although if the process would slow down I would be quite content with that).

There isn't a huge change to me from this month and last that's new, just improving on the other stuff.

• She rolls over all the time and can hold herself up longer
• She laughs out loud
• She grabs EVERYTHING, her favorite toy being my hair
• Once she gets something, it goes straight to her mouth
• We're teething
• She eats like a champ (solids still just once a day but she wants more)
• She's started doing this smile that is really funny where she crinkles up her eyes

She also does this really cute thing when she's nursing; when I'm switching sides she sounds like she's going to hyperventilate with a little fussing thrown in if I take too long. She also smushes up her nose while she's doing this. Girl likes her food. It's cute.

Someone asked me in the grocery store today if I had any special tricks to getting a girl after two boys, my only reply was: a lot of prayer!

We prayed so hard for this girl. Not just her conception, but her. She is a walking answer to prayer and the grace of God and I am reminded of that daily. She is such a blessing and a joy!

Doctor Drama

I have a pediatrician here I love, she's great. Her first response isn't to immediately push drugs, she's great with all of my children and the practice is amazing when she is unavailable.

And then I decided I didn't want to vaccinate my children. And in a really nice way, I was kicked out.

I have a whole rant I could do on that, but we'll just skip on over that.

So. I have 3 kids who need a doctor who accepts the idea of non-vaccination (I'm not even looking for agreement), is great with all 3 of my kids and doesn't try to ram drugs down my throat every time I turn around.

We gave the first recommendation a try today.

Jack has had peeing issues....pretty much forever. He's been pee potty trained for about a year now so the fact that every time he has to go is "do or die" time is stressful, frustrating and after a year, concerning. So between that and a few other symptoms we thought we would see if there was anything to be concerned about.

Long story short, there's not. And it's a long story because I had 3 kids in a doctors office for an hour and a half. THREE KIDS. AN HOUR AND A HALF. Doctors offices are like mommy hell. The kids are on guard, if not cranky from already being sick, it's tight quarters with either a lack of entertainment or germ filled entertainment, they are usually being poked and prodded, and you have to try to hold at least one down and communicate with the doctor while keeping two others happy. AKA achieving the impossible.

Between the amount of time I was there and the doctors inability to once recognize or touch my child (who was the patient) not to mention the lack of any helpful advice or direction I'd say it was a fail.

Why are normal, nice, non drug pushing doctors so difficult to find?

I'm tired of feeling frustrated and defeated every time I have to deal with the medical industry.

7 years

Sunday was Chris and I's 7 year anniversary. My how time flies. I officially feel old.

We got to celebrate Saturday evening with a lovely night out and wonderful restaurant.

Some people give each other gifts, we go to James Beard award winning restaurants (Canoe). Because that's how we roll. And we really like good food.

So thanks to amazing babysitters we headed out for several hours just getting to focus on one another and good food.

It was nice to take our time, chat and reflect. And did I mention the food?

I won't lie, it's been a rough year. Some years of marriage should count for extra for all you have to endure and persevere through. This has definitely been one of those.

Lots of change dealing with loss and new beginnings.

Despite the craziness of our circumstances, and at times our dispositions we have survived another year. Each year is an achievement, this one extra sweet.

We are far from perfect beings both of us still working through a ridiculous amount of sin and imperfections. Some issues are completely in the past, some we are improving on, and others will be lifelong battles the Lord uses to keep us relying on Him individually and His reminder that He is our only source of perfect comfort, protection and love that no human being can fulfill.

As newlyweds I must admit I thought older marrieds quite jaded and swore we would never let our love fade like that. Now a few years and several children in I realize they didn't necessarily let love die but it took a different form, mostly a more realistic form.

You can't always be holding hands and making out (just ask my 6 year old how gross that is), and sometimes it's a good day if you have conversation that is more than just dealing with the business of life (did you reschedule the dentist? Are we going to sign up for that sport, don't forget the deadline is approaching, so and so had that issue again do you think we should take them to the doctor? What day was practice? etc.).

It's hard to be romantic and still pursue one another in this phase of life. I think it's hard to keep the spark going until you climb out of this exhausting and physically demanding stage and transition into one with a little bit more flexibility. The balance is in keeping up the efforts until you get to that next point and not becoming content in doing life on your own or in passing. We're fighting for that. And it is a fight.

So we are CELEBRATING this year and making it through the hurdles. Even though it's been hard it's made us as a couple stronger and the our relationship that much deeper.

And very excited about the prospect of returning to the same restaurant to celebrate a year from now. It was good enough, and beautiful enough to make a tradition of. And we could use some stability right now : )

Lessons

A few things parenthood has taught me so far:

• I am capable of being fully functional on 6 hours of sleep for weeks on end. I hit a wall at about 6 weeks
• Not even parenthood can change my night owl tendencies
• Hearing my children pray and talk about Jesus reminds me that if I have succeeded at nothing else in life I have taught them about their Savior.
• Starving yourself until 3pm on a daily basis while you are busy making sure everyone else is fed does not equal weight loss. Darn.
• Kids are contained and quieter in the car and babies usually fall asleep there. When you need sanity, drive. With the music blasted and windows down if necessary.
• Other kids dirty diapers are way worse than your own kids
• Anything that is light colored will get stained, white is reserved for an evening out AWAY from the kids
• Rocking isn't for calming only the baby down
• If you want your older children to help you with the laundry, be sure to sort your things out first....unless you want comments on all your unmentionables
• One kiss, hug, grin or "I love you mommy" wipes away a multitude of mischief
• Grocery shopping days totally count as a workout. Between lifting kids in and out of the car and the cart plus walking in the stores, bathroom trips in the stores (more lifting and walking) trips back to the back for something you forgot and finally loading it in the car and then unloading it when you get home equals at least one hour of cardio
• Just because I don't understand or agree with the way someone has chosen to parent doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong. Sometimes in parenthood you just gotta do what you gotta do to survive.
• House cleaning counts as exercise too
• Sickness, storms and ouchies are all a chance for additional snuggles. Don't let these opportunities pass
• Don't set yourself up for failure or disappointment. There is no way you are going to make it to those 4 stores without someone having a meltdown, and the kids never sleep past 8:30 on Saturday morning so why hope for it?
• Puke doesn't bother me as much as I thought it did.
• It goes by WAY too fast
• Hide diapers and wipes EVERYWHERE. You will thank yourself when you run out of them at 10:30pm at night or you open your diaper bag to find your husband used the last one without telling you, because these things DO happen! But you won't have to worry when you look in the closet, or the glove compartment and save yourself a trip or argument.
• I'm a better mom when AT LEAST once a month I get some girl time and husband time both without children
• At some point in the day I will have had either pee, poop, puke or snot on me or cleaned it up. It's just is easier if I expect it.
• My husband isn't me, and I should not expect him to be. He is excellent at his job and I am excellent at mine. He doesn't have to remember every little thing the kids need when leaving the house, or that we are out of something or think about dinner because I do my job. And I don't have to worry that our bills will be taken care of and the garbage taken out and yard mowed because he does his.
• Forget the Boy Scouts someone should have coined the "Be Prepared" motto for motherhood. You will never regret having snacks, bottled water, an extra change of clothes and/or other necessities in the car.
• It is the most exhausting, selfless, all encompassing, relentless, repetitive job I have ever done and yet it's also the more important job I will ever do. I have no desire to give it up and am glad that during their most important years I get to take in every moment of the crazy insane joy it brings.

And the first will be last

Many of you are familiar with the verse in Matthew that says:

"But many who are first will be last, and the last first."

Matthew 19:30, ESV

This summer has dawned the awareness of competition in the boys and everything has become about it. Who can get in the car fastest, eat first, pick up quickest (I like this one!), etc. Josh has an obvious advantage in age, height, intelligence, well everything that being 3 years older offers you. Sensing a bit of discouragement from Jack in his constant defeat I read them this parable and verse in Matthew hoping to show them that winning and being first doesn't rank the same on God's scale.

They squirmed and messed with each other and half paid attention to my profound thoughts and lesson and soon enough they were dismissed.

Thinking we would be back to review the lesson in short order we went about our day.

Sure enough the next day I hear storming down the stairs and debating over who was going to win. Jack surprisingly won and was declaring his rare victory to which Josh replied "it's ok Jack I'm going to be first in heaven."

RockStar Daddy

My husband is amazing. Seriously.

Not perfect, don't hear me say that. He has his flaws, and he's a boy (meaning I can't expect him to read my mind, or think like I do and that's why he is good at what he does and I'm good at what I do...we don't think a like).

But great. A great leader, hard worker, humble beyond belief, incredible father, and most importantly in this case...brilliant.

This summer our boys manners (particularly Josh's) have taken a down hill turn for the worse. We hit a wall when he responded to one of our friends by talking back. Oh no he didn't.

So the discipline on talk back and lack of manners got a crack down, with not great results.

While having issues at the dinner table again last night my husband came up with a brilliant solution. Instead of disciplining the bad behavior we would focus on rewarding the good. Every time there was a yes ma'am or yes sir they got a mark. We started off small so they would get the idea, 10 marks got a treat. They learned fast. Now I can barely get something out of my mouth before they respond yes ma'am. Now we're working up to a toy from Target.

His idea was if they were focused on responding in the right way there would be less time for them to think about talking back or responding in an inappropriate way. I can think of so many ways to apply that theory, even in my own life.

Thankful for such a great guy in my life, and for his helping to restore my sanity!

Mundane

Via this website

"Mealtime is a gathering. The people you love the most come to the same place at the same time. Conversations happen; memories are made. There is laughter and tears. A strong family bond begins to form—a bond that grows stronger by doing it again tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that.

The mundane has purpose. If it weren’t for the ordinary duties of food preparation and kitchen cleanup, than this moment, this mealtime, this bond, wouldn’t exist."

With all we have going on I'm not always the best at doing arts and crafts or reading stories. Most of the time it's all I can do to keep everyone fed and mostly happy and try to keep up on the laundry. Let's not even talk about the house. But dinnertime...I think I do dinnertime really well. We eat healthy, I try to expose our kids to new food, we learn table manners (or at least attempt to) we pray, and we talk.

I do dinner. Sometimes it's the small things we do that we need to be reminded really aren't so small.

3 years

Well Jacker is now 3 years old. Crazy. Over the next year any remaining bits of babyishness will slip away leaving me only with a little man of a 4 years old.

Chris and I were talking about the other day how I sometimes don't feel like I know as much about Jack as I did Josh at this point. I don't think it's a lack of my attentiveness as it is more of him being the younger brother. He loves everything big brother does when big brother is around, but when he's by himself his interests seem to change a bit (as well as his personality!). Having a middle child and learning about how younger siblings acts is going to be a learning process for us. We are two oldest children, both the first grandkids on either side and children of 3/4 oldest children. So we don't know that much about little brothers and sisters point of views in families. Time to read up!

That said, when Josh is around it's all about legos and Star Wars and whatever else is going through Josh's crazy imagination at that point. Jack happily follows along. When he is by himself he will quietly bury himself in a fort of pillows with a few of his Hot Wheel cars or Iron Man and sit for an hour perfectly content. He watches whatever Josh wants to when he's around, but if Jack is choosing or by himself it's more Cars or Toy Story 3 oriented. When Josh is around Jack is more talkative (if not downright loud) and crazy, more bold in interacting with strangers, but when he is by himself he's more shy and quiet and sometimes won't even go up to his friends by himself. Like I said, sometimes it's hard to distinguish which is Jack's personality and which is Josh's influence over him.

We've always said it's 3 that's the difficult age not 2, and Jack is living up to that. Jack has always required much less discipline than Josh, however he's starting to keep his own in necessary discipline though. Josh was very defiant towards discipline and would tell you it didn't hurt after he got a spanking. Jack will cry for 10 minutes if you just tell him he is going to get a spanking. He is most often getting in trouble for throwing his cup or food on the floor, and not listening. He is still generally very well behaved, especially when he is by himself.

We are completely potty trained other than at night, however he doesn't always recognize the urge to go early on so all of a sudden he's whining and jumping up and down and if we don't go potty right that minute the world will end. At least that's how he sees it. Very interesting when you are at the back of Target with two other children and he just went 15 minutes ago. We're actually keeping an eye on it since he's been pee potty trained for about 9 months and it seems strange he's not recognizing the urges earlier on yet. He also still has his heart murmur so we look to be headed back to the cardiologist at 4.

At his check up he was 50% across the board weighing in at just over 31 pounds and right at 3 feet tall.

His language skills for his age are amazing. It always cracks us up some of the words he busts out. The other day he told us something was humongous, and asked me how many a million was. Some of my favorite things he says are:

• "I need to go potty really badly"
• "I got an ouchie yesternight"
• "mommy, I lurve you"
• "Firstly we need to..."
• "Can I have a bah-ana?"

It seems odd since he is the more quiet one but he has a ridiculous sense of humor. He knows just the right thing to say at the right time and will repeat jokes he's heard on the radio all the time. He is regularly keeping us laughing and often gets himself out of trouble by using his humor, and cuteness.

He loves peanut butter and anything jelly, honey or banana. He will often choose that over Chick-Fil-A for lunch. He won't eat the red part of peaches because he thinks it tastes bad. He will eat vegetables wonderfully as long as I feed them to him (unless it's cut up cucumber carrots or pepper). He doesn't like cold desserts very much so popsicles and ice cream are usually wasted on him. His favorite treats are cookies and suckers. He likes cupcakes but just eats the frosting. He freaks out if he doesn't get orange juice for breakfast and often asks for it at dinner as well. One of his favorite places to eat is Panera and Chipotle.

He loves trains and cars and gets ridiculously excited when we pass a train (there's a track near our house). He loves to go to the park but is often more interested in dirt and bugs than actually playing. If he is playing it's usually on the slides. He loves going to Chick-Fil-A to play on the playground. He loves Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Little Einstein's on TV and his favorite movies are Cars and Toy Story and Little Rascals. He walks around singing "I've got two pickles, I've got two pickles, I've got two pickles hey hey hey hey."

At his birthday party he was beside himself about getting his own present he got to open and play with. Even though Josh hadn't wanted to share his birthday toys Jack unwaveringly shared his with his brother. He is very generous and considerate and thoughtful. He is very sweet and affectionate as well. Sometimes almost too much : ) He will grab EvaKate's hand and just sit there kissing it for five minutes over and over. He loves to give hugs and snuggles and is very physically touch oriented as how he receives love.

I think that sums up a lot of Jack. He is sweet and caring and crazy and funny. So lucky to have such an amazing three year old boy! Just like I tell him all the time, he's my favorite three year old boy in the whole wide world!

4 months

Ok, admittedly more like 4 1/2 since I'm a bit behind.

However my daughter is not. I'm not sure if it's the difference between boy and girls, or just a realization for how quickly it all goes but it seems like EvaKate is doing things way sooner than she should be!

She is trying to sit up. She doesn't have much balance, but if we lay her back on the boppy she will pull herself up to sitting. The girls has crazy ab muscles. Even the doctor commented on how strong she was.

Most everything else isn't too terribly off pace (except maybe her love for real food) but I just want it all to slow down. I'm not ready to have a squirmy wormy that wants to explore, I still need some more sweet snuggles! Thankfully she's still letting me get in a fair amount of those in. Here are some quick notes of what we are doing:

• She loves to have her legs straight up in the air most of the time, I think in attempts to get her toes
• we started her on solids right at 4 months (so we didn't have to go back on acid reflux medicine) and she loves it! Like eats a 4oz package and wants more loves it. Crazy!
• Anything within a 1 foot radius of her will be grabbed in attempts to get it in her mouth. This includes the boys toys, their hands, my hair, blankets, etc
• I'm pretty sure she's teething
• she blows raspberries back to you after you blow them at her
• when you talk to her she tries to talk back
• she's finally getting ticklish spots
• she had her first time in a swing, and as long as you don't push very hard seems to enjoy it

She was 50% in weight (13.6 pounds) heights (24 1/2 inches) and head measurements. Right on track, no matter what all the random people in the stores who clearly haven't been around babies in 20 years say.

There are not words for how much joy she brings into our house. And pink, and we all love it. We were at Target the other day and Josh picked up an outfit and said "awww, mom this is so adorable!" Both the boys are quite proud of their sister and all of her accomplishments. When Jack sees someone he hasn't seen in awhile he tells them "we got a new baby sister." Even if she's not that new anymore it's sweet he wants to show her off. And let's not even get started on daddy. He is quite proud of his baby girl.

She was being a stinker last night and not wanting to go to sleep after I had just nursed her. She was laying in my lap staring up at me with a look of such adoration trying as hard as she could to talk intermittently with soft smiles. I wanted to freeze that moment in my mind. I know before I know it doors will be slamming and there may even be an "I hate you" dropped (because what teenage girl hasn't said that to their mom?). I hope that though we may go through rough patches we can get back to a place of mutual admiration and be close friends. For now though I'm still very much enjoying a drama free house and her thinking the world of me!

Honesty

My kids are crazy, and adorable and I love them.

As we speak they are all laying in the floor with blankets and animals that Josh got for everyone. Josh declared it a snuggle party, and I was more than happy to join in for a while.

Josh was being such a great big brother making sure everyone was tucked in, telling everyone he loved them. I looked over and told him he was being such a sweet big brother.

He looks at me and says" you know why I'm doing it mom? So I can play Wii."

Honesty. You don't get much else from my kids (unless of course you're asking for the truth and then you get stories).

Josh just asked me to come handle EvaKate who has started her velociraptor squeal. Thrilled to do just that.

3 months and end of kindergarten

This post will be a two-fer.

EvaKate was 3 months about 10 days ago...I'm a little behind : ) wrapping up the baseball season and the school year has been a bit hectic. Plus I'm trying not to focus on it too much. 3 months to me marks the end of the newborn phase, which in a lot of ways is great, it means more interaction and personality. In others ways though it's hard. She's already so curious to see everything and seldom wants to just sit and snuggle as much. It just seemed to go by so quick! I'm looking forward to summer when I hopefully to get to just hang out with her a lot more.

She's so alert, and she knows her family. She smiles almost immediately when the boys or daddy starts talking to her. She's quite friendly as well, obliging most strangers with a smile. She is quite well behaved, she allowed us to go out for our first date night without her and she did fabulously. She doesn't hardly ever cry anymore, more just fusses when she's getting hungry or tired.

She has started to discover her hands and feet (although we've known about our thumb for quite some time...she's a thumb sucker!) and finds those quite interesting. She loves to talk. As soon as she sees someone she knows and they start talking to her, she usually responds back. In fact Jack just got up and came down and I can hear them having a little conversation right now.

She's pretty much perfect right now, ridiculously cute and fun. She has been such a wonderful and much adored addition to our family!

Switching to the second subject:

This is Josh's last week of kindergarten. It's been amazing to see the transformation that has occurred in the past year. He's a great reader and can read just about anything in front of him. The bummer news on this though is that spelling things out no longer works around him. He is a great writer as well and writes some hilarious stories.

It's fun to hear the teachers talk about your childs personality. He usually gets quite a few compliments from them, which is a bit surprising considering he's quite energetic and can talk like nobody's business. One of them told me he's a guys guy. I guess he's Mr. Tough Guy and whatever he's doing usually the others want to join in on. His other teacher told me how smart and sweet he was. I know most guys don't want to be known as sweet, but Josh really is, and I hope he can continue to balance being a guys guy and the sweetness which makes him so lovable. He genuinely cares about his family and isn't afraid to say so and talk about it at school. He adores his sister and is one of the greatest big brothers I've ever seen with her, so doting and caring. He wants to do good and thinks of others.

It's been a fun year to watch him grow in intelligence, awareness, self-discipline and independence. I love watching what a little man he's becoming! Pretty proud of his so far as well! Can't wait to see what 1st grade has in store for us!

6

Yesterday was Josh's birthday. Cannot believe that kid is six already!

While it's kind of a bummer for us both when mother's day and his birthday sink up, it was a little fun since it was the first time it had happened since he was born.

We didn't get to do a whole lot between my parents being in town and church (EvaKate got dedicated as well), but he gets to have a week of fun birthday things and then he'll have a couple friends go play miniature golf with him on Saturday.

It's been amazing to me to watch the difference this year in kindergarden has made. He has no babyishness to him left, he's a grown up kid now!

He's so smart...sometimes too much for his own good : ) If he misses answers, or gets in trouble it's usually because he thought he already knew how to do something and didn't bother listening or reading the directions. He definitely thinks he knows best and will regularly tell me, "but mom, I KNOW!"

He's reading and spelling like a champ, is at one of the highest reading levels that you can be in kindergarden. He's great at math and one of the easiest way to stop the question of "how long until we get there" is to make him count the seconds out of how many minutes we will get there (so 10 minutes is counting to 60 ten times). We'll be driving a long and he'll randomly ask me math questions like "mom, what is 3+3+3+4?" or "what's 40+60?" to which I make him answer and he almost always gets it right.

He's hilarious, and has the greatest laugh. Even if he's telling a joke that totally isn't funny, (like "knock knock, who's there?, orange, orange who?, orange you glad I didn't say tomato) his delivery makes us laugh, usually because he is laughing and his laugh is so contagious.

He's tough and brave. He can wrestle with his brother and dad and the boys on the baseball team throwing in some good hits and elbows. He's gotten hit with the ball a couple times and doesn't cry just bucks up and keeps playing.

Most kids avoid spiders and bugs but Josh actually searches them out and kills them for us (in the house, outside he'll only kill spiders).

Mainly because he's also compassionate. He doesn't mindlessly kill bugs. And he doesn't throw punches in baseball unless the other kids are on him and hurting him. He's great with his brother and sister, always looking out for them and trying to take care of them. He does that at church as well, always tries to help the younger kids. He remembers going downtown at Christmastime and helping the homeless and regularly asks if we can go back again to help the people.

He's sweet. He will still just randomly come over and give me a hug and tell me he loves me, or snuggle with me. He will sit there for half an hour just talking to his sister and trying to get her to smile at him. He loves to just snuggle on the couch with dad and watch baseball.

He is full of energy and excitement and is nonstop until he goes to bed.

He is such an incredible boy, and we are so lucky that God entrusted him to us!

difficulty of motherhood: venting

So yesterday pretty much sucked.

It was just a really hard day.

Sometimes being a mom is just tough, and it's not necessarily that you have a day where everyone's crying or screaming, but sometimes (at least I do) you just feel like you are in this rut of working so hard but that no one notices or cares.

Nobody seems to care you spent an additional half hour at the store with two kids searching for a star wars cupcake topper, or that you spent the little "me" time you get after the kids are in bed frosting cupcakes for a school birthday party. Or that the laundry gets done and put away, that there is a meal on the table almost every night and a lunch to take to school, or even that the baby isn't screaming because she is fed and happy.

Being a mom really is the most sacrificial unselfish thing I have ever had to do, and I can't think of anything else I will do that could top it.

Sometimes I laugh to myself when I hear people talk about their jobs. Just about anything you do at your job I do it, with three kids. Difficult phone calls? I lock myself in the bathroom or closet just to be able to have a business call, or ask the phone company why they've decided to start charging us an additional $10 a month. On your feet all day? Please, unless you're on them 14 hours then we can talk. Didn't have time for a lunch break? Me either, I'm lucky if I can get a granola bar in me before 2pm, and if i am disciplined enough to eat it usually is in front of Mickey Mouse, or while feeding a baby. Not so much of a break. Overflowing inbox? Try returning emails one handed with a kid in your lap.

I am the party planner, cater, chauffeur, administrative assistant, maid, dry cleaners, decorator and handyman all with three kids.

And is hard as it is, I still love what I do.

Yesterday was my grandma's birthday, she died almost exactly a year ago. In the past year I have lost two of my biggest supports and cheerleaders for this exhausting, unrelenting, thankless job that just happens to be one of the most important things I will do in my life.

My grandma had three boys, and was a big encouragement in the difficulties of life with boys. She encouraged me in general in my choice to stay home and serve my family. She was a great listener.

My mother in law always used to send me sweet notes building me up at just the right time. And she prayed like nobody's business for me. When I had to make difficult decisions to make, she praised me for making the right ones. She was a great example of being selfless with her family.

Both of these ladies meant so much to me and helped being steadfast as a mom be a little bit easier. I miss being cheered on and encouraged, and having people that could listen and relate on the hard days and could remind me that I will survive and will make it through, and even cry over how much I missed this.

I've had several people make comments to me recently about how I seem to have it all together, or am so calm and collected. I laugh to myself when they say this, because I am a hot mess. I feel like I can't do it all and am always failing at something. If there is any resemblance of being "with it" it's by the grace of God and nothing of me.

I know I don't always feel this way towards motherhood, but the last couple of months have been hard, and yesterday and today the toll of having lost two such important women in my life is resonating extra deep.

Ironically they were also the two who always sent me a Mother's Day card. This Mother's day is Josh's birthday and EvaKate's dedication so we will be celebrating those.

There is a book that has been a big encouragement to me recently. it's called the Invisible Woman by Nicole Johnson. I read it several years ago and it's analogy has stuck with me. It's a very short easy read and is about a mom who feels invisible. Confiding in a friend who is about to travel to France she breaks down. On the friends return she brings her a book about the beautiful cathedrals. She underlines in the book how it says the builders of these beautiful building cathedrals are unknown. Many of them spent their entire lives working on these buildings, not even getting to see them finished creating something they knew would be great and stand the test of time.

What I am building will stand the test of time. If I work hard and well people will admire the results for decades to come, remarking over the efforts of someone they very well may never meet. And even if no one else sees the beauty of what I have done, God does and it's for Him that I'm building.

Now if I can just remember that at 10:30 pm when I'm frosting cupcakes and making lunches.

Girliness

I realize my baby girl is just over 2 months old. And we haven't cooked together, gone to a fancy restaurant, had tea parties or painted our toes together yet, and yet having a girl is everything I dreamed it would be. A part of me just feels more fulfilled...I'm not quite sure how to explain it.

I just get her. I know she's her own person and will have her own likes and dislikes and desires, but I know she wants to feel beautiful and special. I know she'll love twirling skirts and giggling. It really makes life easier. I won't have to guess if I'm telling her the right things and encouraging her in the right ways, she's a girl, and I get what drives girls. With the boys I can try and speculate, but I still feel like I'm guessing and completely clueless.

That said, my friend sent me this song. I love it. I think it speaks so much to the heart of women. I want to take some of the lyrics and make a cute print of them to hang on my bathroom wall as a reminder for me, and her bedroom wall.

As I was listening to it today I had her in my lap and was singing it to her, and I started to get it. When I look at her all I see is beauty. Nothing out of place, wrong or not quite right. Perfection. And that is what Jesus sees in me. Very hard for me to wrap my mind around it because all I see are faults, but He sees none of that, just beauty and perfection in what He created.

I hope that when she's 13 and 16 and 18 and after she has had a baby I can play this song for her and she can dwell in her beauty and be comfortable in her beauty and know that when her mama and Jesus look at her that is what we see despite all the things the world tells her to see. We see perfection in what we (mainly He) created.

Here's the video too. It's equally as awesome and tear inspiring.

Easter

Easter weekend. All right. Busy.

We have a ridiculous amount of things to do and get caught up on after the craziness of the last 2 months so we're playing catch up. And between baseball two nights a week, small group, worship practice and picking out songs and practicing for worship, we're a bit squeezed for family time let alone work time. So we played catch up on Saturday.

We missed Nancy a lot. Chris' quote form the weekend "I've decided it really sucks that my mom is dead." And that about sums it up.

Interesting after loosing two very dear women in my life the last year I've realized something most people don't about grief. It's not the right after that's hard. it's the 3-4 weeks after that it really hits and holidays. I know in the future I'm going to try to check in on people who have experienced a loss around those times, or drop by with some cupcakes or a meal for some encouragement.

The kids looked ridiculously handsome/adorable on Easter. Josh sang a song with his kids class and he got to sang a solo (he had also picked out the song), he totally rocked it! So proud of him! He didn't get scared at all and in fact everyone was laughing at his cuteness because he was acting like Mr. Cool Guy the whole time.

Both the boys got haircuts on Saturday, Jack got all of his cut off and he looked super handsome showing it off for everyone on Sunday.

EvaKate was as cute as can be in her first Easter dress, and we all wore pink in honor of her addition to the family. I'm glad to know we can spice things up in the future and not have all blue and yellow to look forward to!

The boys did an Easter egg hunt and dyed eggs in the afternoon. I wasn't even a huge candy person, and I remember at some point my aunt started putting money in the eggs. That was awesome. So I took $10 and broke it into $6 ones and $4 worth of quarters. The boys were most excited about their eggs with money, plus it will allow us to do a little Dave Ramsey training with saving, giving and spending. Plus I probably would have spent that on junk that got thrown away anyways. At least we'll get a lesson out of it this way and some will be saved and given to God before the rest goes to junk that I'll eventually throw away : )

The boys enjoyed the day and understand what it is and why we celebrate. In fact having Chris's mom gone almost gives them a deeper understanding of death and coming back to life now. It sure seems to take a lot of work though to make the day special and communicate all those things. We've spent the day today just recovering! Maybe someday they will appreciate all the work I put in making holidays specials, creating traditions and filling their tummies with good food on that day. Or maybe not : ) Jesus knows!

Hard

Today is a hard day. Actually it has been a hard week.

Arnold (Chris's dad) came down for the weekend, and I think that was our first full dose of reality. For the past 3 years most of the time we have spent with his parents has been here in GA, so it was very strange to have him here without her. We went some of the same places and did some of the same things as we did the last time with her. We both kept looking up expecting to see her some where.

Chris' birthday was this week, and it's hard not to think about your birthday without remembering the one who gave birth to you. She used to call him early in the morning on his birthday. It felt weird not having the phone call where we all chat that evening as well.

In general though it seems to be more of the every day little things that make it hard. Hearing the song played at her funeral on the radio, looking at mothers day cards, hearing Adventures in Odyssey come on the radio, the boys getting excited at a package in the mail (it wasn't for them and they were bummed, she used to send them stuff all the time...even when she couldn't go to the store anymore she would order stuff online for them), talking with a mom who home-schooled... it's all the little things that manages to make life seem dull and leave me crying in the middle of Target parking lot.

We just miss her.

I find it interesting how you don't realize just how big the impact someone has on your life until they are no longer in it. Even someone like your mom or mother in law.

Easter will be hard as well. We've celebrated it with them for the last several years, and Nancy and I would always dye eggs with the boys. I thought we would just paint eggs this year (since it's less mess and I didn't have the back up pair of hands) but Josh was on the verge of tears he was so upset we weren't doing the eggs in "the water".

It will also be strange to wake up by an alarm instead of a text that says "He is Risen," to which the expected reply was "He is Risen Indeed!"

So today on Good Friday the presence of death seems very real and painful and makes us that much more mindful of what Christ's death. Looking forward to the hope that we have in Sunday morning and that even though we grieve, we grieve as those who have hope in the resurrection and the knowledge that some day we will get to see her again.

Not sure how people get through this without Jesus.

2 months

Well Little Miss is 2 months old as of Friday.

Crazy how fast it's gone already. Especially with everything going on with Chris' mom, I feel like we've finally been able to really enjoy her in the last week or so. Which makes it extra hard that it's already slipping by. I want to hit pause.

I've decided that little girls are deliciousness bottled up. I cannot get enough of her. I find myself just sitting there staring at her cuteness. She's much more aware of voices and people than the boys were at this age. Her cries already have quite a bit of emotion in them as well. She's developed what Chris has dubbed the velociraptor cry which is kind of like a squeal and a cry combined. She's been cooing for awhile, but it's really only when you talk to her, it's like she's trying to talk back.

Having a baby girl is everything I dreamed it would be cuteness, sweetness and girliness.

She adores her big brothers, and often her smiles are doled out at their crazy antics to illicit just that. She doesn't grin very often but for the most part has a sweet smile that shows what looks to be dimples. She shows it off most often when someone is adoring her and telling her how pretty she is.

So far we are average in height (22 1/2 in) weight (just over 10 pounds) and our head measurements. First baby with an average head. Her favorite spot is on her changing table right by the lamp. She'll even scoot herself back to where her head is almost hanging off the edge trying to stare up into the light. She is fascinated with all lights, especially when paired with mirrors. She could stay in the bathroom all day long. She's a great eater and sleeper. We've been doing a minimum of 6 hours for the last week and a half and the last 5 have been 8 hour nights. She's sleeping in her bed. She looks gorgeous in anything she has on but red and pink seem to be especially stunning on her. She lets mommy dress her up however she wants even putting a bow on practically any time we leave the house. She only gets annoyed at them when she accidentally pulls them down over her eyes and then she does the velociraptor scream/cry until it is promptly removed. Thankfully she has two older brothers at her beck and call.

So that's the baby girl update.

Boys are doing great with all that has transpired in the last couple of months. It's been amazing how well they've rolled with the punches. After baseball wraps up we are hoping to get some good family time and let them be boys and praise them for their months of awesomeness.

We are so blessed to have such a great family!

I had big plans of writing a blog for each month of the first year of EvaKate's life talking about where she is and what she is doing.

Obviously that didn't happen for the first month.

Our lives have been flipped upside down in the last 6 weeks.

In the last six weeks we have had a baby, found out Chris's mom had advanced breast cancer and was admitted to the hospital, found out Chris's mom had passed away and attended her funeral on top of finding out we had termites.

It's been rough.

Hopefully one day I will get around to, or have time to talk about our precious baby girl.

But for now we are grieving. The loss of a great woman, and a great mom. I have an incredible husband and a great deal of that is because of the work his mother did. When Chris and I first met I was in a difficult place, full of transitions and challenges. She was such a blessing to me during that time and we formed a close friendship. She was one of the best grandma's (GaGa) I've ever seen.

I think that's one of the hardest parts. When I think about the kids growing up without her in their lives I break down. Those boys loved their GaGa. And she loved them. She was a very accessible grandma, one to never say no (unless mom and dad required it) and always willing to get in the floor and play or do something crazy. The only time I saw her tell the boys she couldn't do something was either at our request, or 6 weeks before she passed when she literally couldn't get off the couch to play with them. Even then she mustered every bit of strength she had to hold that light saver and play with them.

Praise the Lord EvaKate got to meet her, I'm so grateful we have a picture of them together. But it makes me so sad to know that they won't get to really know each other. I think they would have found so much joy in one anothers presence.

The boys are learning how to grieve as well. Josh can lay out the biblical timeline of when he'll get to see her again and where, but he misses her. He asked if he prayed and asked God to tell GaGa something if He would tell her for him. We were explaining to Jack (again) how GaGa was in heaven with Jesus, but he just looked up sadly and us and said "but that's really, really far." When we saw the body he said that was a different GaGa and he wanted the other one. We are trying to let them walk through their own grief process and support them through it. I feel like it's asking too much of them, but we can't change what is.

I no longer have a mother in law, my husband doesn't have a mom and my kids only have one grandma.

We're still processing, grieving and recovering from an exhausting trip.

There aren't even words for the loss and the hole that is left without her. I'm not sure if I'll write any more about it because it just takes so much to even process, and hurts to think about. Thankfully God does not bring death and loss without also providing new life. We are grateful for the new life we see coming in a couple of situations in our lives, but most thankful for that of sweet Eva.

He gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, blessed be the name!

Continued Craziness

Well just when you think life can't get any crazier it does.

Shortly after I wrote the previous post we hopped a flight to STL with a week and a half year old baby.

Long story short, Chris's mom has stage 4 breast cancer that is throughout her abdomen and on her lungs. She went into the hospital and had a blocked kidney and part of her lung was collapsed. From there she underwent a series of procedures one of which resulted her being a breathing tube and having difficulty getting off of it. She now has a tracheotomy that she is breathing through and started her first round of the heaviest dose of chemo they can give her about a week ago.

We talked to Chris's dad Saturday morning and after hearing how she was doing that day decided we shouldn't mess around and were leaving our house by 6pm that evening for the airport.

We have been so blessed by the prayers and grace that covered us.

I was pretty nervous traveling with such a young baby, and mainly nursing as it was still very painful and awkward. Throughout the trip I nursed on take off and landing of the airplane, several parking lots and the ICU waiting room. I think if we survived that we can get through just about anything with nursing. She also put together two nights of 7 hours worth of sleep while we were there, which was such a blessing since we were emotionally, physically and spiritually worn out. She was a trooper and did wonderfully.

The boys both did great as well with all the insanity. They especially handled seeing their grandma like that well. She's not able to talk and so she writes messages. Instead of talking back to her, Josh started writing back and forth with her. It was precious.

By the time we left she was stabilized, and since has been moved out of the ICU. There is still a long road to fight, but she is a fighter and if anyone can make it, she can. Your prayers for healing, continued strength and perseverance for her would be greatly appreciated. Prayer for Arnold and the rest of the family would be wonderful as well.

We've been back home a week and are almost fully recovered and trying to figure out our new normal. I think we're getting close.

So far I've been grocery shopping (with all 3!), to Target, and to the mall all by myself. The biggest accomplishments though have been getting Josh ready and to baseball (with the other 2), getting all 3 and myself ready for church and there on time, and surviving my first evening of Chris having practice and feeding everyone as well as getting them to bed all by myself.

I think we may survive : )

Now if we could just get a bit more sleep...