But I've got thoughts in my head, and I want to write. I've really enjoyed being able to write more recently. I miss it. Maybe that's the dorky party of me that's attracted to staying in school forever, I loved writing papers. I had very few that really forced me to think though. I could usually just throw some stuff out and get a good grade. I love the teachers that pushed and required me to tap into resources I didn't know I had within myself.
I still long for that. I want people in my life that will push me further and not allow me to cruise through life. I also want to be that kind on influence in other peoples lives. I find it interesting that it's rare to find people who desire to be a teacher like that, or people who are willing to submit to teaching like that. Sad that so few people want MORE, of themselves and of their faith.
I'm blessed to have the opportunity to pour into a few peoples lives. Some incredible girls who I adore and love like they were my own daughters (or sisters since I'm not near old enough!), but the most important way I am doing this right now is in motherhood.
Especially with Josh, since he's older. Bless his heart, that child could not be more my personality if he tried. He has such a sweet and caring heart, but he also has the not so fun tendency of thinking he knows everything and that he's always right. Having not been corrected on these attitudes early on (at least not successfully) I had to go through the very unfun process of trying to correct them as an adult, which I think proved much more painful and difficult than it would have been at a younger age.
So I'm trying to dissuade him from these habits which have very much been a part of his personality since day 1.
The problem(s) is there is no manual for this stuff. And I'm still learning it! And he's a boy, and I don't understand boys. I mean I try, but really...I don't.
So even though I don't get boys, and I'm not versed in the best way to communicate to an almost 7 year old of their kind...I do think I get how to disciple younger girls fairly well. I usually just shoot straight with them in conversation, encourage them to things I know they are capable of and talk out potential consequences of their actions with them. All things I can do with Josh.
And after months of feeling like I was banging my head against a wall with nagging, I feel like we might have gotten somewhere yesterday. We had a chat. I told him that I was a lot like him and that I had to unlearn some of the not good behaviors and it was really hard and hurt. I told him I didn't want him to have to learn like that and that I wanted to help him learn how to be a strong, kind, leader who loved Jesus and others, if he wanted to. He said he did. I asked if he trusted me (he did), if he thought I was smart (he did), and if he though I wanted what was best for him (he did).
That said I asked him to trust me when I was teaching him and gave him consequences that they were for his good and in the efforts of trying to make him into the kind of man he wants to be. I asked him to trust me to parent his brother and sister and not feel like he had to do it for me. I asked him to trust that I was smart about knowing the truth and a lie and when I knew he could do better and pushing him towards that.
Then I followed it up by reminding him that I'm still figuring it out. That he is my first kid and I've never been a mom before him. That at times I'm going to yell too much, and not have enough patience, that I'm going to forget to teach him some things while focusing on others too much. I told him we all need more of Jesus in our hearts, even (especially!) mom. I also told him that if he could gently remind me when I'm doing some of those things (mainly yelling) that would help mom realize she's wrong and apologize.
It went well (it helped that I through cookies into the mix), yesterday was a better day. The thing is, I feel like we need to have this conversation (or some version of it) every. single. day. Because he forgets. And so do I.
I've learned (through my own experience, and lots of watching others) that if you cannot have respect and submission for the authority of others (parents, teachers, government, pastors, elders, etc) you can bet you're having issues with respecting/submitting to God's authority in your life.
Not to say there are not exceptions when submission should not be happening, but there should at the very least be respect for the authority that they were given (by God!), and the toll of the weight of that authority.
I feel like everyday God has to have a version of mine and Josh's chat with me. Katie, do you trust me? Do you think I am wise and all-knowing? Do you believe that I want what is best for you and to make you more like my son? Than TRUST me to do what is best for you. even in the frustrating, even in the mundane, and most certainly in the hard!
I read this quote by Tim Keller this morning which has been messing with me "Jesus suffered, not that we might not suffer, but that when we suffer, we could become like him."
That's the point of it all, becoming more like Him. IF we TRUST him.
