Tis the Season

To be jolly.

Except we're not.

In all honesty, the last week has really sucked and been hard. The absence of Nancy right now is palpable.

This time last year was the beginning of the end. And we knew. She called to tell us that she wasn't going to be able to come down for Christmas as she was feeling too bad. And while it wasn't beyond my mother in law to say something like that to make sure she was really wanted, she never would have missed such a memory filled time with her grandchildren. Ever. Unless something was really wrong. And it was. We knew.

So we're questioning (should we have gone up to STL for Christmas even though I was 8 months pregnant, should we have confronted her sooner, should we have stayed in STL longer when we went up after EvaKate was born.....), and doubting, missing and praying.

Tomorrow is her birthday. We'll be having german chocolate cake for Christmas as it was always around this time of year. It was her favorite, I always made it for her. New Years is their anniversary. She never doubted moving up their wedding date so they could be married sooner, even if it was on an odd day.

It's just going to be our little family this year. No one's coming to visit. Not for lack of invites, just...different priorities.

But we're trying to put on our game face. It's time to impress upon the kids the reason why we celebrate, and it's EvaKate's first Christmas. I HATE that so many of her firsts are intertwined with sorrow.

We're also waiting on what could potentially be more bad news for another immediate family member. I think if I hear the word cancer one more time in the next year I'm going to vomit.

So even though when we look around right now all we see is pain, and suffering and sadness, it makes it that much bigger of a deal that Christ CHOSE to walk into this. Not only did He choose it, but He did so with a rescue plan. So that even though all we see is broken we have the hope that it won't always be. We have hope. Come, Jesus!