difficulty of motherhood: venting

So yesterday pretty much sucked.

It was just a really hard day.

Sometimes being a mom is just tough, and it's not necessarily that you have a day where everyone's crying or screaming, but sometimes (at least I do) you just feel like you are in this rut of working so hard but that no one notices or cares.

Nobody seems to care you spent an additional half hour at the store with two kids searching for a star wars cupcake topper, or that you spent the little "me" time you get after the kids are in bed frosting cupcakes for a school birthday party. Or that the laundry gets done and put away, that there is a meal on the table almost every night and a lunch to take to school, or even that the baby isn't screaming because she is fed and happy.

Being a mom really is the most sacrificial unselfish thing I have ever had to do, and I can't think of anything else I will do that could top it.

Sometimes I laugh to myself when I hear people talk about their jobs. Just about anything you do at your job I do it, with three kids. Difficult phone calls? I lock myself in the bathroom or closet just to be able to have a business call, or ask the phone company why they've decided to start charging us an additional $10 a month. On your feet all day? Please, unless you're on them 14 hours then we can talk. Didn't have time for a lunch break? Me either, I'm lucky if I can get a granola bar in me before 2pm, and if i am disciplined enough to eat it usually is in front of Mickey Mouse, or while feeding a baby. Not so much of a break. Overflowing inbox? Try returning emails one handed with a kid in your lap.

I am the party planner, cater, chauffeur, administrative assistant, maid, dry cleaners, decorator and handyman all with three kids.

And is hard as it is, I still love what I do.

Yesterday was my grandma's birthday, she died almost exactly a year ago. In the past year I have lost two of my biggest supports and cheerleaders for this exhausting, unrelenting, thankless job that just happens to be one of the most important things I will do in my life.

My grandma had three boys, and was a big encouragement in the difficulties of life with boys. She encouraged me in general in my choice to stay home and serve my family. She was a great listener.

My mother in law always used to send me sweet notes building me up at just the right time. And she prayed like nobody's business for me. When I had to make difficult decisions to make, she praised me for making the right ones. She was a great example of being selfless with her family.

Both of these ladies meant so much to me and helped being steadfast as a mom be a little bit easier. I miss being cheered on and encouraged, and having people that could listen and relate on the hard days and could remind me that I will survive and will make it through, and even cry over how much I missed this.

I've had several people make comments to me recently about how I seem to have it all together, or am so calm and collected. I laugh to myself when they say this, because I am a hot mess. I feel like I can't do it all and am always failing at something. If there is any resemblance of being "with it" it's by the grace of God and nothing of me.

I know I don't always feel this way towards motherhood, but the last couple of months have been hard, and yesterday and today the toll of having lost two such important women in my life is resonating extra deep.

Ironically they were also the two who always sent me a Mother's Day card. This Mother's day is Josh's birthday and EvaKate's dedication so we will be celebrating those.

There is a book that has been a big encouragement to me recently. it's called the Invisible Woman by Nicole Johnson. I read it several years ago and it's analogy has stuck with me. It's a very short easy read and is about a mom who feels invisible. Confiding in a friend who is about to travel to France she breaks down. On the friends return she brings her a book about the beautiful cathedrals. She underlines in the book how it says the builders of these beautiful building cathedrals are unknown. Many of them spent their entire lives working on these buildings, not even getting to see them finished creating something they knew would be great and stand the test of time.

What I am building will stand the test of time. If I work hard and well people will admire the results for decades to come, remarking over the efforts of someone they very well may never meet. And even if no one else sees the beauty of what I have done, God does and it's for Him that I'm building.

Now if I can just remember that at 10:30 pm when I'm frosting cupcakes and making lunches.